Riveted Down [Eliane, Nelliel]

Perusing the shelves of a small bookstore in the City of Lights, Eliane's ephemeral smile seemed just the faintest bit less pleased than normal, her eyes sharp in a way that was profoundly at odds with her upturned lips. She'd never been much of a reader, really; in fact, she'd never read a book in her life beyond the ones she'd needed to read for work. Any "academics" she needed had been put into her head from creation, and everything she'd learned about hurting people, she'd just learned from experience.

Well, she was here to change herself, after all. Here to see whether or not her life was worth living, whether she had the capacity to continue it. That wasn't to say she was particularly interested in ending that life, though. She was simply here looking through their books on philosophy, wondering which, if any, might have written about something she would find interesting. Treatises on the arts? Maybe a musing on suicide? She did think that was such a peculiar idea.

It was unexpected to see anyone else in these parts. A cosy little second hand book store, and in its philosophy section no less. Nelliel had been here many a time to find it deserted when she was looking for something new to read from its small collection. She did think to interject but the ghostly woman that evoked the image of a porcelain doll seemed to be musing to herself.

If she was in this section, she wouldn't think to interfere with someone who might be engaged in a rigorous mental conflict to challenge their ideas. At the same time though this woman was in the way of the book she was after. It was a tight squeeze from the shelves never being spaced for two people standing abreast in the neglected section.

However, that didn't mean she wouldn't give it a go. It was already hard enough that they were of equal height and thickness (this in itself was peculiar but not an impossibility she had to conclude) but Nelliel did hope the stranger could forgive her enthusiasm at trying to squeeze between the bookshelf and this avid thinker to grab the book she wanted.

Well, this was certainly unexpected. Most people wouldn't have been quite so straightforward in trying to navigate the shelves like this, and though most probably would have considered this an "awkward" position, Eliane didn't really think there was much that could evoke that response from her. If anything, she just thought it was a bit amusing, and her smile seemed to turn back up the faintest bit as she spoke up.

"Looking for something in particular? I can get out of the way if you need, I'm mostly just browsing for if something catches my eye."

She could have made things more difficult, and in a way, she wanted to. It might have been kind of funny, actually, just moving between the shelves in a way to be as obstructive as possible. Such thoughts needed to be pushed aside, though, and Eliane thought to put her energy elsewhere. Being helpful, for instance.

"Ah, I'm sorry, I didn't want to interfere with your searching."

Nelliel said as her hand caught enough of a hold onto the book so that her fingers could tilt it out of the shelf and fall into her palm. Once she had her prize she could squeeze back out of the way and prevent any more obstructions of being between a shelf and a soft place.

"Interesting. Just browsing, you say? What has prompted an interest in the topic of philosophy, if I may ask? Perhaps I could direct you towards a specific piece or writer if I could understand what questions you're trying to answer."

This woman was here without a specific goal. It was the people who knew what they wanted that this area attracted and the only other type were those who had no direction, the ones who thought they could find it buried in someone's prattling about the world so that they might find answers to their questions.

So it was easy to deduce that this woman must be full of self-doubt or something has challenged how she sees the world to try to explain it in these books.

Eliane typically didn't let people's questions take any significant purchase in her mind, really. That was just part of how she carried herself, that ethereal quality that made her always seem at ease. But, to understand people better meant listening to them and internalizing their words, so she really thought about what was being asked of her.

"Ah... A sudden change in my life's direction. My mother recently passed, not that she and I had a particularly good relationship. I mostly worked for the family business, so I'm afraid I haven't taken much time to think about my own life or desires."

That was a fairly accurate summary of what had occurred, at least without getting into the real specifics of it. And while Eliane frankly didn't have any qualms about being perfectly transparent as to the events in her life, for now she was doing her best to behave and keep things under wraps.

"I guess I'm just wondering what life's all about outside of work."

"The meaning of life? That would depend on who you chose to ask. Their musings are not ones that I should try to summarise into a single word and if you do not understand how they came to that conclusion then their answers mean nothing."

Still, her new acquaintance didn't proffer anything besides a question. Surely she must have her own inkling of ideas that she wants to be validated or rejected by someone who has thought about the same issue? Was she truly bare otherwise with no feelings besides curiosity?

"But what do you expect these books, and the people that filled them, to tell you? What do you think life's about?"

"What do I expect... I suppose that's a good question. I wonder about their experiences. Their joys and their sorrows. What sort of emotions does a person feel, so intensely that they can compile them all into a work like this?"

Eyes fell slightly downward, moving over the titles on the shelves almost listlessly. It wasn't the same cloud-like way Eliane typically engaged with things; it was a simple gesture of displeasure, an awareness of her own failings. Could she blame her creator for that? She could, certainly, but it was within her purview to become more than that, wasn't it?

"I haven't thought about these things much. My life has only ever meant whatever I was told it meant. I don't like to believe that's the value of life."

"if you seek an objective answer there is no such thing to be found I'm afraid. Not even in this enlightened world that sees past the veil of death. While many of the people that wrote these books all present their beliefs, they are subjective at the end of the day and I believe that our lives meaning is an understanding that we can only reconcile on a personal level."

She further explained and turned over the book in her hands. It was the musings of a thinker from the 2050s. The views of humans that lived through the traumatic experience of spiritual awareness en masse were fascinating perspectives that were unique.

This particular writer had succumbed to nihilism she'd heard when his religious beliefs felt they were exposed to be little more than empty lies that he had been living.

"A love or hatred of the world brings out these feelings. They are infatuated with the world they see and wish to understand it more intimately or they lament the world that they see and wish to document its injustices."

She prattled on while leaning against the bookshelf beside Eliane. Due to the space it had blockaded her in but Nelliel didn't mean to keep her trapped here if she wanted an end for the conversation but she looked nothing like what she said when she was in shorts, flip-flops, a tank top, with a light t-shirt over the top. Besides the arrancar features, she might as well have been any other person on the street.

"Do you love or do you hate the world you've seen? The one that was chosen for you by others. Do you feel excitement that comes from a new perspective or does it terrify you that nothing will ever be the same as before?"

What did Eliane think of that world? The place she'd lived until now, the realm of meaningless life and death, was easy to simply exist in. She did her work, and she'd been content, but that was the beginning and end of it. When her nominal freedom had been curtailed, when she'd lost the only one who understood her, she became aimless. Empty. But that hollow existence wasn't of any concern in that place.

"That world was nothing but poison. Everything in it made me sick. Something new could never terrify me when I know it has to be better than where I've already been."

True, her current circumstances were still far from ideal. Her sisters were still hardly aligned, she still was stuck here in the City of Lights. But it was still better than living under Claudia's thumb no matter what happened.

She noted that the white-haired woman had dodged answering if she loved or hated the world. She had changed to topic to talk about her history and concealed her feelings on it to talk about fear instead. She compared her emotions to a physical experience. An avoidant personality wasn't that surprising to her if this woman was here seeking answers and struggling with her past and present, detached from herself and others.

"You seem quite certain of that."

Nelliel stated with a small smile, it might even give her the impression of naivety. This woman didn't seem like the naïve time, the opposite actually. There were paradoxical elements that she discerned. This woman spoke of certainty while uncertain about her own desires. She spoke optimistic of the future while condemning her past. The words she spoke were given freely but said as much as a murky pond; lacking context, requiring assembly, needing to be interpreted. She was direct enough to maintain a conversation but avoidant and her life had been decided for her.

A puppet who did not know what to do now that her strings had been cut and craving something to fill the void that they left.