Stressed Decisions [Hiroe/Hana]

Hana stared down the straw of her smoothie, trying to take in the color of the iced drink from inside the straw. It was a silly distraction. When she finished that, she glanced out the window at people walking by. She had a hard time looking Hiroe in the eyes. Becoming an utter failure wiped any confidence you had.

Still, the way Hiroe was reacting to it made her wonder whether Hiroe thought this was a joke, which only hurt more. Hana stared out the window now, eyes locked onto a single brick of a wall about twenty feet away. Nonsense...

"It's not nonsense," Hana said, her voice low and depressed, her eyes still focused on that one spot. "There are too many out here that decide someone else's troubles are nonsense, that their fears or whatever is hurting them is insignificant. No wonder so many people stay poor, stay weak. The powerful don't care. The successful don't help. The few that break that pattern never make up for the number of uncaring, selfish, and arrogant people they're surrounded by."

"It is nonsense."

Hiroe stared at Hana with a pair of golden eyes that demanded she offer a better explanation than what she presented to her at the moment. Stay poor? Stay weak? The powerful didn't care about their struggles? Hiroe was living proof that everything she uttered just now was ludicrously wrong. Yuuto Hisakawa was one of the strongest men she knew, and he genuinely cared about her progress even before he discovered her zanpakuto. Byakuya Kuchiki was a noble from one of the main families in Soul Society!

Part of her tried to come from a place of understanding, a place where she could relate to her words. And yet nothing came up that made sense to her. She was wrong to Hiroe. Someone who had been overlooked her whole life could never relate to someone who, by all accounts, descended from a family that presented her with a resource of material to work from. Somewhere deep in her spirit, she wondered if the woman knew what it felt like to face actual adversity.

"I don't get it. This talk about the weak and the powerful. If you have issues, I'm always here to help, Hana. But even if I wasn't... that's no reason to quit. To begin with, why are you even harboring thoughts to quit, anyway? What happened? Maybe if you explain it... I'll understand."

Maybe.

Taking a slow breath, Hana closed her eyes and thought about the things that made her so angry. Each memory held nothing more than failure for her. They were all new signs of how weak and completely worthless she was as a shinigami.

"Ever since graduation, I've done nothing but fail and fall behind. I almost died, twice. I ended up against an Arrancar who made sure to tell me how pathetic I was, so much so, that she didn't even bother killing me." Hana said, and lets face it, she kind of wished that had happened. "I was literally a waste of her effort, and then after some strange girl who knew nothing about my struggles stupidly convinced me to try again, I went to my own Captain for some advice... And I admit, I was nervous as hell, but I hoped I would get some sort of guidance, but I was instead told to go waste someone else's time. So, to both an Arrancar and my Captain, I'm not worthy of their time." Hana rolled her eyes at the situations she mentioned here. There were so many other things she could vent about, but what was the point?

"How is this not a reason to quit? I'm clearly not cut out for it." Hana said and then chuckled, "You are, obviously. Being trained by a Captain, a former Captain who is also a famous nobleman, and you've gained your shikai before graduating."

"Wait a minute... your telling me someone thought you weren't worth the effort of killing and your upset about escaping with your life? I know the sting of defeat hurts, but your still alive. You sound like your disappointed to be alive. If you were worth her effort, you might be dead."

Hiroe addressed her first point before leaning against the chair, a stupefied expression proof of her disbelief at how preposterous it sounded. She should be relieved to be alive, no? Or was she misunderstanding something? Another issue followed as she leaned against the chair, aiming to make sense of her words. The second reason made a little more sense.

Whoever this captain was sounded like an asshole. Granted, without much context, Hiroe could only rely on her friend's words. Seventh division... that was under Elyss Kishimoto's command? She heard rumors about the lady. Her rough around the edges personality wasn't exactly the easiest thing to swallow, and Hiroe could only imagine how that might have meshed poorly with Hana. She was prepared to speak until she noted her last words. Why... did it feel she sounded... No, she wouldn't even entertain the thought. Jealousy? Hana was from a lesser noble family. Such a thought wouldn't cross her mind.

"None of that is a reason to quit, Hana. If you ask me, it's all an opportunity to get better. I do think I'm pretty cool, but that's only because I feed my own hype, you know? Anyone else who feeds my ego just makes it a little better, but I certainly didn't expect to get to where I am now. I just kept on going. Sure, there were some roadblocks. I was almost killed once, too. I cried and nearly pissed my pants when someone entered my house. It was my darkest hour, and I still made it through. If I can do it, I know you are more than capable of rising up, too, Hana."

Hiroe wasn’t wrong. Hana looked at that particular situation very negatively. The meeting with Amaranta came after she already failed multiple times, needing to be rescued. The threats her parents sent her way were always in the back of her mind, so sometimes death was much more welcome than it should be. Hiroe’s following words brought about a small chuckle from Hana, a genuine one.

“I have never possessed such confidence, especially in myself. I do not know how to 'feed my own hype,' as you have called it. In truth, self-reflection has only solidified the knowledge that I have not ever experienced an iota of real value in myself or anything I do. My life has belonged to my them." Hiroe would likely know that "them" was a reference to her parents. They've controlled her for years, and trying to find her own calling, her own path to follow, has proven difficult. Hana was not someone used to failure and disappointment. Yes, many would chalk that up to "luck" or "nobility" or "spoiled," but it wasn't just that. It was terribly sad.

Hana's parents selfishly sheltered her and then threw her into the world without her understanding many of the basics. Brash personalities, failure, disappointment, rejection, and even evil... She never faced anything like this beyond what her mother showed her over years of neglect, and even that was painted over with messages of love and motherhood. Hana was not just learning how to be a shinigami, but how to be a person, and becoming a person on your own was scary and hard.

Hana's mask cracked again. She took in a strained breath, the recognizable threat of full on sobbing. She closed her eyes, put her hand over her mouth, and clenched her jaw shut, using what little will she had left to hold back making a scene in such a place. Letting her hair fall forward on purpose, she hid her face from possible onlookers. And when she spoke, her voice was slightly muffled, cracking under the weight of emotions that she was trying so desperately to hold back.

"Hiroe... I don't know what to do."

Hiroe knew that expression like the back of her hand. It was a familiar face she wore long ago. In all honesty, she had grown wholly familiar before her current stroke of luck came about. It was the moment of truth where one questioned if they were truly built for the lives they wished to lead. For a moment, Hiroe paid no mind to anything else but her friend's words. Sure, she couldn't shake that there wasn't the slightest hint of envy in her words prior to now, but that pain in her eyes was far too difficult to ignore.

In truth, Hiroe wondered. Had anyone beyond her told her what she was capable of beyond her? Was she truly prepared for what this life had entailed? It was easy for Hiroe to feel noble life had prepared her, but what if she truly didn't understand how the world operated precisely because of that damnable factor? Failure and disappointment were familiar to HIroe, but were they truly familiar to Hana? That is what Hiroe had to acknowledge here.

Hiroe had to build confidence for herself in this relentlessly cruel world. She recognized that no one else would hold her hand. Rindou told her that long ago. She had support, of course, and she was undoubtedly grateful about that. Kaito. Ajora. Hana. Yuuto. Byakuya. Rindou. There were several people who genuinely wished for her success. Did Hana have that? She didn't know, but from what she could tell in her facial and body expression, she needed help. Hiroe rose from her chair, walking over to wrap the woman into a tight hug. She didn't know what to do immediately, but she didn't care. She couldn't let her fall further into the depths of her own despair.

"Your destiny doesn't have to be controlled by them anymore, Hana. You are your own woman. One of my best friends. I think you have potential, and I know it might not seem that way, but trust me, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I just think... that if you quit, you'll regret it. Maybe I'm wrong, but you might always wonder what could have been. Look, if you want to genuinely quit, then I understand. But please, don't think so lowly of yourself. I can't bear to see you like this, and you know that."

Hana had no real support system. Hiroe was the closest thing to that, and they now lived in two very different worlds. Even though she was surrounded by many people, it felt like no one was looking her way, no one had her back. Even at the academy, she had a difficult time making friends. Most assumed her nobility meant she was unrelatable, unapproachable, and unworthy of anything more than ridicule by people who had less. Hana wasn't a "normal" noble, and a bit of conversation would teach them that, if they cared to have it. Unfortunately for Hana, most people didn't.

Feeling her friends embrace, Hana's free hand reached over and tightly gripped Hiroe's shirt and leaned into her. Hana's body was trembling as she continued trying to hold back the flood of emotions she felt. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She kept her mouth covered. It was hard for Hana to even breathe.

"I do not know how to do this," Hana said, her voices struggling to escape her throat. "I do not want to quit, but anything I try fails. I have not figured out how to get the help I need, and those I ask..." Her mind went back to that annoyed expression on her Captain's face, the words used... "waste" "bother." It only welled her insecurities. "It was made clear they do not care. Frankly, she was a bitch."

Hiroe maintained the tight embrace as she patted Hana on her back, allowing the woman to spill her tears freely. She wasn't particularly accustomed to consoling others, yet she recognized the impact it had on others, wholly aware of how almost anything could break one's resolve if they weren't careful. Doubt was a crippling, self-destructive weapon of the mind. Once it took root, it withered away any semblance of confidence the average person had.

Hiroe could've certainly viewed it from an ignorant lens, treating it as the lamentations of a wealthy girl with a fragile sense of willpower, but there was one line of similarity they shared. Doubt. Hiroe wasn't exactly the spitting image of confidence herself, her commentary on building her own hype was no ruse. It was certainly one way of saving face, because she knew how faulty her spirit would be if she let someone else's words get to her.

"Whoever this lady was, you shouldn't let it get to you. At least not to this extent, you know? Was it one of your peers? What did she say that made you break down?"

Hana finally felt relieved of most of the panic and despair that finally freed her tears. One big inhale, and her tense and trembling body finally felt relaxed. Sitting up fully, she released Hiroe's shirt and looked up to her friend with ugly red puffy eyes and a light streak of running eyeliner. Using her sleeves, she wiped her cheeks, picking up the majority of the dark purple makeup that smeared on her face.

"Um," Hana sat up straight, reclaiming the elegance she normally held. The only evidence of the depressed young woman being her eyes. "It was my Captain who said it. Captain Elyss Kishimoto. Her exact words were 'If you want to waste someone's time, go bother your Vice Captain.' Now, please understand, I did not break and decide to quit because of one person's words. I'm not that fragile.

That horribly unkind troll was just my last straw. It was the weeks of almost getting killed, needing to be rescued, not hearing a sound from my own zanpakuto no matter how much I meditated... And I don't have anyone. Please do not take that the wrong way. You are my best friend, but you have a life that is now separate from mine. I do not have friends in my Division, or anyone to help me train. I'm alone, and... I don't know what to do about it. I just... feel like I want to disappear."

The trembling had ceased, her tears slowly diminishing as Hiroe maintained her embrace. Only when she relented in her sniffling did Hiroe take her arms away, allowing the woman to provide her a proper explanation. She didn't pay any particular mind to the fact her shirt was muddied up now, fortunately she wore something rather casual in nature, an article of clothing easily replaceable.

What mattered now was every detail Hana provided now. Elyss Kishimoto... the captain of the Seventh. Confined to the academy walls, she had never crossed paths with the woman, rumors were her only piece of information as far as having any inkling of who the woman was, and there divisive opinions on her level of approachability. Some admired her rough personality, others thought her an ogre. Some even feared her.

Regardless of the opinion, Hiroe had never developed a full conclusion of the woman herself. She would have to correct that one day, for her one desire was to join a division that would test her mettle. Hiroe was thankful to hear Hana hadn't resigned as a result of that, doubly so that it wasn't the entire reason. Otherwise, part of her would have felt obligated to shift her advice in alternate direction, since she certainly felt the woman's mettle was far above something as harmless as that. Reaching over to rest a hand on her shoulder, Hiroe offered a warm smile to ease her spirits. She didn't necessarily have any good advice here, but she knew a path that might help, someone who might give her the push she needed to restore her faith in the Gotei.

"I cannot deny that. I'm not even in a division yet, so it's hard to keep in contact. I had intended to join you in the seventh, an intent that still hasn't diminished in my spirits even now. Of course, I understand if you wish to leave her division, though. If you envision a future where you won't get along with anyone in your division, then I suppose it isn't a bad thing to go elsewhere."

Hiroe shook her head softly, fingers clicking thoughtfully against her chin. No, she felt she should persist in finding someone else before giving up on it entirely. Everything was always worth a shot in her eyes, after all.

"On the other hand, I think it would be better if you actually tried to look for others in your division. The captain isn't the only woman there, after all. There might be plenty who are more than willing to be your friend. In the meantime, though, I would recommend two options. Take some time off to join another division, relax, take some to get your mind together. If you still want to persist, I think Captain Hisakawa would be willing to give you some advice. He was the man that helped bring something out of me I didn't expect, and I believe he would certainly be willing to extend that same kindness to you. What do you think?"