It's Been Alright, I Guess [Liltotto/Natasha]

Nat wanted to hang out and talk it seemed, having seen the text when she finally collapsed on her couch from a day of work and training, not bothering to shower the crap off her. It was whatever, she would just get the cover washed and sit in the freezing shower before the crack of dawn, like normal. Her days felt like clockwork lately, going through the motions to get by. Reminded her a little too much of the old days of trying to keep herself afloat with a crappy retail job.

Maybe she should take up that invite.

On the arranged day, she'd go by where they decided to meet: the beach. She could see the blonde head of her friend who she honestly didn't get as many opportunities to speak to lately; always assumed that Natasha was busy with coordinator duties to bother her, but she was the one to invite her after all.

"Hey Nat.." She'd call out, walking across the warm sands to sit by her, "You wanted to talk to me about something?"

Free time had seemed to elude Natasha ever since her promotion, but that didn't mean it made her any less coherent or privy to the relationships she shared with her fellow peers. She had always made it her sincere effort to at least provide a source of comfort and a shoulder to lean on, even if she once denied those shoulders and comfort herself. In a lot of ways, Liltotto had been a fine friend, a listening ear who never judged her whenever she admitted to her past and her own missteps.

Naturally, Natasha wanted to return the favor. They hadn't spoke in a while, but Natasha believed that there must be a few things to get off of her chest. The Ichigo Kurosaki incident, Seaside Tournament, or even something entirely separate... surely there would be something to talk about, and the southern woman wasn't going to let her simply turn her away from being the shoulder to lean on for a change. Sitting on the warm sands with phone in hand, Natasha would wave toward the approaching guest of the hour.

"Yea, Lil. I do. We've been so busy with work, but some free time opened up, and I wanted to see if anything's been botherin' you, lately. Now, I know you much prefer keepin' stuff on the low concerning your own mood, but even when we pass each other by, I can't help but notice... somethin feels off. Mind tellin' me what bothers ya, sweetheart? We have the whole beach to ourselves, and I'm not takin' no for an answer."

She was picking through her bag for some snack to eat as they spoke, before Natasha hit her with the no-nonsense 'what's up' style question, the blonde briefly freezing as she grasped a package, appearing a bit weary for a moment before softly grunting, biting the package open with zero difficulty and already starting on the chips inside,

"Work and stuff has just been tiring lately," Her gaze was averted, as if she didn't want Natasha reading her, putting another face full of chips in her mouth, "It's.. It's stupid. It's nothin' to worry about, really."

Slouching in her seat, she'd finally look toward Nat again, pushing an awkward smile onto her face, "It's really nothing.."

There it was. The ever familiar diversion. The default answer she expected. It was easy to blame any stress on work, after all. If the roles were reversed, Natasha would certainly used it to validate her own poor mood. Precisely because she was familiar with it, Natasha took a moment to grab the drink at her side, taking a light sip, brown eyes observing the woman as she opened a bag of chips. Nothin' to worry about, huh? Well, that awkward excuse for a smile certainly didn't help her case. Turning to face her completely, Natasha shook her head.

"Honey, I'm all too familiar with that answer. I used it way too' many times myself. Work is tiresome, true, but ya' never let that bother you much in the past. There's somethin' more goin' on, ain't it? You can be honest with me, Lil'. I'm not takin' no for an answer. Tell me what's on your mind."

In the past, Natasha rarely pressed the issue concerning this stuff. She was a prime example of hiding her emotion, putting on a honeyed smile and emanating a bubbly aura, to avoid letting anyone understand her, and by extension, learn about her self-loathing. However, she didn't want to run away from it anymore, and she wasn't going to let a good friend deny herself of a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. No matter how angry it might be, she'll listen.

As her friend quickly quashed her attempt at hiding what's going on, her smile dropped back to her neutral look, eyes skirting the sand as she tried to figure what to even say, but honestly Nat would just jam holes through any other excuses. There wasn't much getting around it, huh?

"Fine. Fine you win..." She'd grumble into the bag of quickly emptied chips, sitting upright to address her properly, "It'd be more a bother to not tell you than to do so at this point.."

What should she even say? She can't just spill certain things like she did with Alastair - guy looked like he was barely hanging in there trying to speak to her, and that was her down with a horrible case of hollow lava stomach. Nat definitely wouldn't be able to follow with that kind of stuff.

"..Well, what's happened recently, it's put me on edge and stuff..." Beginning, her heels digging into the sand, "City got fucked, my boyfriend was working himself down, my mom almost died - again, permanently this time, and now all of these Shinigami are going about like they own the place, and it's like everyone's okay with it..."

Her eyes half closed, a sigh escaping from her, "It's way too much. I don't like it."

Good. She wasn't being stubborn this time. That in itself was a victory Natasha could take in stride. Now, she can play her part and be the listening ears, even if her words might not be able to provide the woman with the peace she desires, Natasha will support her in any way she can. That's what friends were for, right? Truth be told, there were some things she expected to hear.

The Incident with Ichigo Kurosaki was her chief expectation, to say nothing of Giselle's near-death experience. Even the soul reapers were no real surprise. The Seaside tournament may have been an event that half of her other peers were fond of, but she imagined that Liltotto was one of them who was not at all happy with the current events taking place. It was certainly a lot to take in, and even Natasha had to admit she struggled with swallowing down the fact the city she'd come to love had nearly ended up in ruins. As expected, she doesn't really have any helpful advice immediately, but she'd definitely try her best! Sighing softly, Natasha replied.

"Yea... I'll be honest, that's been weighin' on me too. I wasn't even here' when it happened, but even hearin' about it... and the people who got hurt... it wasn't easy to swallow. As far as the shinigami go, I expected that one honestly. Ya' never were really all that fond of em' and now we've got plenty of em' walking around in the city, courtesy of those seaside festivities. I thought about enjoyin' a match, too, but... I met the worst opponent possible. Bitch' was a real piece of work," she stated, a surprising amount of bite to her tone at the end. It wasn't about her at the moment, so she quickly shifted onto offering her own opinion on the matter she felt mattered most.

"I... didn't really know how to handle it myself, and I still don't... but I know the best thing I - no, the best thing we can do regardin' that is to get a lil' stronger than we were before'. To try and be prepared, god forbid, if it happens again'. Far as your boyfriend goes, I think a lil one on one time'll be just what you two need once your schedule opens up. I haven't been in a relationship in a while, but work always feels a lil' bit better when your gettin' support from that special someone, ya know~?"

She hoped she was helping her to some extent, if only a little. She was no fool enough to know this wasn't really her area of expertise, but Liltotto was a dear friend. She'd do her damndest to at least try.

Listening to her friend's try at being encouraging, and especially that reference to someone she was curious of in a poor way, Liltotto would shake her head, golden locks shifting over her shoulders as she did so, "..No Nat, I don't think getting stronger is gonna make me feel any better. I don't wanna bother Dorian with my stupid stuff either. He already has enough going on, he shouldn't have to waste energy worrying about me when there isn't much he can do about it."

A bitter look crossed her face as she said those words, her tone souring, "Nobody can really do much about it, not even me. Not without ruining everything," but soon after she pushed that feeling aside, shaking her head, her gaze lowered to the ground,

"Did your opponent demean you with 'little quincy' and tell you bout how thrilled they'd be to tear kids apart in front of their parents?" Hugging her knees and smothering her face in them, her eyes were pressed to the sand, "Did you catch the name of the sword maybe..."

"I guess you're right, but still, a lil love and affection never hurts. I'm sure Dorian' would try his best even if it might seem impossible, just like I'm tryin' now. Even if it doesn't seem like it'll amount to anything, we're all here to help Lil. This clearly ain't ma' level of expertise, but I can still try', right~?"

As she expected, her encouraging words, while not falling entirely on deaf ears, didn't quite merit the results she liked. Was she expecting anything else on that front? Probably not. Natasha was by no means foolish enough to think honeyed words would lighten her mood in an instant, but at the very least, she could let her express herself till her heart was content. If one objective failed, it was better to cut one's losses, and search for an alternative.

It was telling, though. Listening to that last part had caused her to raise an eyebrow, but her following words left the woman with a dumbfounded expression. No... don't tell me she... Natasha sighed softly. Liltotto hadn't participated in the fight night festivities, so there was no way she'd know her outside of actually meeting that wench outside of the arena.

"...I unfortunately think we're talkin' about the same lady, but based on what I heard just now... I'd say you ended up gettin' the worst of it. I entered the match thinkin' it'd be a fun and excitin' lil showdown, and I even hyped the crowd up... but then she spoke about regrettin' the fact that our kind's extinction wasn't ensured."

Natasha leaned beside Liltotto, noting the way she seemed to bury her face in her knees, an action that pretty much confirmed that her suspicions. Natasha couldn't bear the woman in a battle setting, she could only imagine how insufferable that detestable woman was outside of it.

"And yeah, she kept trying to verbally taunt me, get a rise out of me. Little Quincy, that. Disgusting Quincy, this. I... honestly don't want her participatin' in the event anymore. And I'm sorry you had to meet her, too. If you don't mind my askin', how the hell did you two end up crossin' paths? What other horrid shit did she fill yer' ears with?"

"Natasha," Liltotto suddenly cut in, visibly looking upset as she tore another snack bag open, her gaze allowed to be far more tired than before; physical exhaustion didn't come by her so easily, but the wear on her mind was allowed to come surface in those autumn pools, before they pressed toward the ground,

"I was thinking about kids, Natasha. Like, having them. Not now, in the future," Her face remained partially buried in her knees, "Things're relaxed, Dorian doesn't have to work as much, we have somewhere nice to live... Just have one, maybe two kids. I think about that occasionally, but then I remember, things can't be that simple."

Her head tilted to the side, a finger tracing the sand next to her, tone growing shaky and painful, "Coz then I remember, at any time, at any day, that nice house can be brought down in flames. My children can be gutted in front of me, my lover's mangled body crushed underfoot, and all I can do is watch. Watch, as everything i'd ever gained, just torn from me again, and i'm right back where I started..."

She was visibly shaking, hugging her knees tighter, "Because some bastards from up high decided so. And, if I punch back, they'll just hit me harder. They can do whatever they want to me, but I can't do a damn thing back or else i'm the villain."

Rubbing one of her eyes, she'd sniff softly, "..And here I am wondering, how the fuck am I supposed to live with that? I can't be angry, but I can't stop myself from being angry."

Following Liltotto's heartfelt admissions, Natasha was rendered speechless for a moment. In truth, Natasha had never thought her friend possessed heartwarming notions of settling down and building a family. There was nothing wrong with the notion. She once imagined a life like that for herself, dreaming of a day where she could spend her days raising children, reflecting on memories of a time that never came to pass - a time that never existed. If that hadn't been enough to stun her into silence, then her vivid description of how she envisioned it all falling apart certainly did.

It was a torturous train of thought, though not entirely unfounded. All of these events so far were certainly attempts geared toward strengthening bonds between their respective forces, but even Natasha had to wonder if that would amount to anything within the grand scheme of things. What if a Quincy killed a Shinigami?

What if that bastard of a woman, Kanae, provoked one of her fellow members? She reacted well enough, but she didn't expect Solomon or Freyja to be so level-headed. Sighing softly, she remained silent for a moment, consuming the rest of the alcohol in her cup. How could she react to that? What could she say? Motioning her body over, she wrapped an arm around Liltotto's shoulder, holding the woman close as a sibling would to the other.

"Truth be told, it's never an easy feeling to live with. No, I'd say it's quite terrible. It's as if you're livin' yer life walkin' on a tightrope, and the damnedest little misstep can leave you in ruin. I experienced somethin' mighty similar before I came here. There were threats beyond my abilities' that threatened the way of life I'd built with my own two hands, and I tried fightin' back to make things better. But I ended up bitin' off more than I could chew, lost more than I bargained for, and now... I'll likely never know what it feels like to experience a life with a husband and children, settled down somewhere nice without a care in the world." For a moment, Natasha trailed off, contemplating her next words as she looked to the woman.

"As one of my close friends, I don't want that for you. Liltotto. There ain't nothin' wrong with bein angry about the way things are now. That hardly makes you a villain in all of this. I reckon most in your situation would feel the same way. I can't tell you what to do with those emotions, because they are your own at the end of the day nor can I predict how things'll play out movin' forward, but I can say offer genuine words of advice. Just... be careful. Don't let that anger fester inside you. Don't let those negative emotions stew. It'll only wear on your conscious the longer it goes on, and things'll only get worse before they ever get better."

In a perfect world, Natasha sincerely wished she could have told her that the events she worried about wouldn't come to pass, could have said that the future she dreamed of was right within her grasp. Yet, she was a realist now. She knew how it was to see a dream lost before it could truly flourish. All she could do was offer her own heartfelt opinion on the matter, speak from her experience, and hope she could nurse some of the pain that was visibly shaking this woman to her core.