Thumping Heart, Wrong Person [Gamukira, Kazuya]

"Mmm... Your friend here was coming by while I sat in your field..., pondering..."

That's his explanation for them being here together. He felt it unnecessary to include the part about Gamu thinking him a manservant. It was pretty weird for him to simply be there, but he won't go into too much detail about it. What's important here is what Gamu has to say. Ah, but Kazuya did think Leopard a handsome young man. He can imagine the lad growing into a strong gentleman. Though, that is simple diversion from his main thoughts and concerns.

He is not here to speak about his own issues. This is Gamu's time to relieve herself of all that burdens her. Kazuya brought forth this situation. He shall wait to see where he fits into it. He may not even have to speak at all, but that is the opposite of an ideal situation. So, with a slight nudge, he pushed Gamu forward, leaving her a shark stranded on land.

"I wanted to deliver you a letter but... I want to say it now but it's really difficult to tell you, Abby."

Gamu didn't know what to say though, so the woman just grabbed the letter that had become crumpled in her hand and opened it up. This felt so stupid, especially with this stranger here to listen in but decidedly she would not shy away from it. She didn't want to care who knew about how she felt and if this guy spoke rumours.

The fact that he had pushed her forward didn't help her. She was almost too scared to recite her feelings for the fear of what she heard in response.

"Abby...

I want you to be my valentines and more. I'm scared and lost without you, I need you. I don't know how to cope with this feeling like I did with my hunger, and you said you'd be with me forever and always. The hollow feeling in my chest is different to the feeling in my gut and I don't know what to do. I'm a scientist and you know I'm super smart so it's love right? The irrational and illogical thing that can't be reasoned like a total mystery to anyone that would call themselves a scientist.

Do you release pheromones that make me feel this way? Is your spiritual power just that intoxicating? I don't know. You just make me feel full in my heart like how you filled my guts by pacifying my core and I need you... I feel lonely and I don't laugh as much as I used to, all of my jokes leave me unsatisfied and I want more than the instincts and whims that fulfilled me before.

I don't want to be a predator anymore, not even your predator. I don't want to eat people or be a monster if I can have you and being without you makes me wish I still was. I still wish I was that monster since it was easier to live like that, you told me that you wanted a world without sufferring or strife but why am I feeling like I am sufferring now that I'm different? Is this what you intended or what existing is really like? I hate it. I hate the world like you said you did if this is what it's really like.

I just want to be with you and this letter doesn't convey it enough. Please give me a chance, I'll fulfill any physical requirements you want. I'll look like your dream guy, you know I don't care about what I look like. Just let me have a chance."

Gamu admittedly read most of it off her letter and she could speak the words better than her poor handwriting and unrefined technique might convey. Saying it all just made her turn meek, she was terrified of hearing what she had to say. Terrified of what expression that might greet her when she looked up from the letter after everything she had just said.

"Oh? Kazuya, you ought to come in rather than waiting about outside, I might have had tea or a lunch prepared for you."

She had been prepared for any number of things, certainly, but as Gamu spoke, the smile Abalia had worn quickly faded into an expression most would call unreadable. She had never wanted this. Never anticipated it would come this far. Was that even true?

She didn't know.

Abalia had simply wanted to leave the public eye, leave behind her poor decisions, the cruel things she had done simply for the sake of practicality. But what was she to do about something like this, when it was a problem she herself had created, and when it was one that could not simply be left behind?

There was no answer that came to her. Every answer that seemed logical was cruel, every answer that did not hurt her only felt dishonest. Not to others, but to Abalia herself. What did she want? Not to be with Gamu. But why? Because she was a woman? That was easily changed. Was "I am simply not attracted to you in such a way" not a meaningful response? So why did it feel so hollow?

Because it would hurt her. And, even if Abalia did not feel that way, she did care deeply about Gamu. She wished for her happiness, for her to grow. How could she then turn her back and bring her harm? Wasn't that selfish? But everything she had done of late was selfish. She was here because she had wanted to finally think of herself, to not be infinitely selfless and to simply be a woman.

But being a mere woman was not always so pleasant. If she were a weaker-willed woman, she might have had tears in her eyes, but she was still composed even now.

"Please let me consider it. I cannot give you an answer so suddenly."

Her mouth had spoken on its own. That was not what she had wished to say. Why? Why delay the inevitable hurt she would inflict? Because she was not prepared to see it? How cruel. Both cruel and selfish, everything Abalia did not wish to be. She hated this. Hated herself, for having created the situation.

Selfishly, she even for the briefest moments wished she had died rather than live to see the outcome of what she had done. That her children had not been forced to be raised by a woman like her. That no one had needed to live in that spectre.

That was an interesting letter. Though, Abalia’s response proved just as concerning. There comes with every confession a response, but when the response is not as heartfelt as the confession, then there grows an imbalance. Right now, Kazuya could sense one stirring before any of the two could continue their conversation. He was content with simply waiting on the sideline, but he cannot allow things to continue as they are. He has felt his heart swell before, and he knows the suffering that comes when it deflates. Never has his face looked as it does now: worn, experienced, aged. With a heavy sigh, he stepped forward, a hand moving to Gamu’s shoulder as he squeezed, preparing her for what is to come. He knows all too well the result that is soon to come after he has spoken his mind.

“Miss- No… Abalia. I do not understand the connection between you two, nor will I pretend to understand all that you are or have become. I do not know how this woman has grown thanks to you, but I do know that this is not the way to handle it. My clan lived by always speaking their mind. Even if it meant fighting, arguing, or hurting one another. The pain one feels at that moment may be intense. It may break them, leave them a shadow of themselves, but that is better than forever leading them on to wonder, for even that can eat away at a person’s very soul. Your eyes, your tone, and your response: I understand what your answer is, for I have suffered the same fate as this woman before. They did not stutter or hesitate to break me, but I know you. Despite what you may think, you are a good woman, a strong woman.”

He stopped, his hand on Gamu’s shoulder loosening as he stepped between the two and looked down at Gamu. His one eye held sorrow like no other, the visage of a man who has lost everything reflecting in the pink haired woman’s gaze if she dared to look.

“That emptiness that you feel. It will hurt you, make you question why things are the way they are. That monster you felt like, if I am to understand correctly, Abalia helped you destroy it. I am unsure of the intrinsic details, but are you positive that you wish to return to a life bound by such a thing? If you are to leave here empty handed, will you simply cease to exist. My clan would shun you, run you out, and leave you to rot. I don’t know you, nor am I sure if we’ll ever interact beyond today, but just this alone, the action of coming here, speaking your heart’s desires. I think that is meaningful enough to your life. You have evolved beyond simple emotion and now know a world that takes away just as much as it gives. Even if today leaves you without the results you desire, if you feel like there’s no way to continue, do not fall into the abyss. Cry, yell, damn the world if you must, but remember one thing. After the rain has fallen, life may thrive like never before.”

There were a lot of things that Gamu expected, even the potentiality of being given the answer that put it off. Even though it was not explicitly negative and could be taken as meaning "yes" it was in its core, a maybe. That was strangely the worst answer that she wanted for a scientist like her hated the unknown, wanted to tear it apart at the seams and see the truth of it. Hypothesis afforded nothing if unable to be pursued and Abalia's response was just that. An substanceless delay, a limbo.

No, it was more than that. Abalia was decisive, which narrowed the possibilities and left her with the worst possible reason for it, it was just the most likely conclusion based upon all the available information. Why hesitate if it could be an affirmation? Because it wasn't.

"Gives... Hehehahaha. This world doesn't give. Everything I've ever gotten I've had to claw for, every piece of information or power or status. This world takes far more than it could ever give, when you're expected to chase it's rewards like a cat after a rabbit. Where's what I had before?"

Gamu pushed Kazuya aside, not enough to launch him through a wall thankfully but enough to let her look at the woman of her affections again with a pained and spiteful look, she couldn't describe how she felt with how foreign the turmoil was. Even though she felt hate, she still had want, even if she was furious she still wanted her tenderness. Everything was so contradictory.

"Where's my zanpakuto, huh? No matter how much I reach out to her she cowers away in fear, terrified to even respond to her own name being called because of you. That's not even touching on how you've impacted my ability to do my job."

She was not exactly sure where she was going with this but Kazuya's speech and Abalia's answer just made her want to be allowed to talk because for some esoteric reason, she cared about how she was viewed by Abalia, she didn't want to do acts of violence and other awful things if it would make this woman hate her.

She was, ultimately, getting a bit caught up in her thoughts. Not that they were any less oppressive, even as she collected herself, but Abalia was at least remarkably good at simply sectioning off the parts of her mind that were not, at present, especially helpful.

Yes, there was guilt, there was remorse, and above all there was that disconnect from everyone and everything around her. She bordered on being someone else, a woman with no choice but to inherit the decisions of a past life. But, even if that was the case, she would not let it drag her into the abyss.

"I have asked myself the very same question, Gamu. 'Where is what I had before?' Where is the life that I led, free of guilt or worry? The life where I simply did whatever was most practical, most expedient? And upon reflection, I realized where it had gone. I have killed it. And you, Gamu, share that very same path as I do."

She had spoken of this with Gamu before, hadn't she? That the two of them were not so different. She still believed that, even now. Perhaps to a degree that she only found all the more distressing.

"Will you cling to that past, knowing it will not return? Crying out in vain for something that cannot ever be again? Or will you grow? Become a woman who can be self-proud not simply as a predator, as an animal, but as someone that has lived a fulfilled life?"

But she hadn't answered the question Gamu wished answered. And, ultimately, she knew that she should.

"It would be cruel of me, Gamu, to ask you do anything simply that I try and love you. I have already once in my life tried to love someone when I could not feel that way. And I will not make that mistake again, knowing how painful it would be for you in time. You deserve far more than that."

As he had. As everyone around her always had.

"I don't care about that. Why can't I have that chance? Please. I don't want to be an apex predator or cling to my old life, I want to have a new life. I want to make a new life with you."

Her composure broke and she stared at her with an earnest desire for her to change her mind, reconsider or just give her a chance to show her.

"It's not impossible, just because you're scared of it. I once told you nothing could change me, nothing you did could make me without that crippling hunger but you refused to accept it. You overcame it and took away that feeling which I had come to accept. I tried to change it myself and failed, I ran from it and accepted it was a constant."

"If we're so alike then I'll help you like you helped me, if you're scared of being unable to love someone else after failing in the past then I'll teach you how and won't give up on you. I'm a scientest. I'll create the means myself to see you able to love again if I have to before I sit back and do nothing, got it Abby? I won't ever let myself believe something's impossible ever again."

She had become lost in her own indignance, her will refusing to bend or despair. Even though she had been told no, why wasn't she stopping or grieving? Hadn't she been scared to confront her about it just before, why was she so full of vigour over it now.

"And what would you do, Gamu, if it came to pass that I could not love you? Would you pursue this for eternity?"

Abalia asked the question almost accusingly, but there was a part of her that already knew the answer she did not want to hear was also the answer she would respect the most deeply. She knew exactly what answer she, herself, would have given if she were in Gamu's position, even now. Why was this matter so complex? Even now, knowing what was or was not love, she would be lying if she said that she did not admire the tenacity on display here. But the question was whether or not it was something worth respecting.

"And what would you do if I found that I loved someone else? Are you prepared for these hypotheticals, Gamu? That even if you love me, devote yourself to me, you might still know pain in the end?"

She suspected she already knew what Gamu's answer would be. And, frankly, she hated that. Hated that she saw so much of herself in this woman.

"Don't ask me stupid questions that you know the answer to."

She said with a hint of anger from frustration at this situation and for the questions posed, Gamu hated stupid people who asked questions that were rhetorical for her to answer. It was a waste of her time. Her indignant golden eyes stared back while she curled up in a pout, hypotheticals and what-ifs.

"I don't care about hypotheticals when you refuse to let me even have the necessary apparatus to even try. This world is full of sufferring, you said that."

"You're asking me, if I can handle the pain if I am given a chance and it turns out to be all for nothing, not even being allowed to try though? That's more painful than failure, I'm already in pain as I am now. How is that any different!?"

It was making her eyes water up, this conversation sucked.

"Bold words, for having asked why I do not give you a chance."

Abalia replied sharply, not particularly fond of having been put on the spot like this. After all, had she not already made her position clear? And yet here she was, being asked this regardless, her own emotional attachments weighing down what should otherwise have been a tremendously simple answer.

"So be it. I will not deny you your chance, then."

What else was there to say? She had no other recourse. In the end, she knew that Gamu would never accept a no for an answer. She respected that, if nothing else. If the only way to dissuade her from this path was simply to show her that it would not work, then that was what she would do.