Oh, My Poor Head [Abalia, Gamu]

"I have never denied what I am."

As Abalia turned her gaze back toward Gamu, there was more than the mere intensity of will in it that was relatively common from the Captain Commander. Now, there was genuine emotion in it, a contained fury which, for the briefest of moments, had legitimate murderous intent behind it.

"I hate this world, Gamu. It is diseased. Rotten to the core. A world where the strong rule simply because they are strong, all while they lack anything more than selfish ambition or, just as pathetic, blind idealism without any willingness to admit the flaws in their thinking. Those who subscribe to the laws of nature, the idea of jungle rule, make me sick to the very core of my being. They are nothing more than blights upon all creation that I would grind underfoot if given the chance. I freely admit the failings in my outlook, and they are why I strive to change the world."

There was no visible tension in Abalia herself, no anger or irritation in any of her body language. But her eyes told a far different story.

"I do not get rid of you because nothing would be accomplished by it. Yes, I would lose your abilities, your skill as a Captain and an intellectual. But you would not suddenly atone for your nature. You would not even understand why such a thing might be asked of you beyond basic societal expectations. We are far more similar than I allow others to know, and I have changed. You, too, are capable of it, and it would be a failing on my behalf if I did not do what I may to see that through. Perhaps you consider that nothing but sentimentality, petty ethics."

And then she laughed. It was a humorless laugh, empty, a simple accompaniment to the thought that crossed her mind then. She did not believe it, of course, but that was the nature of a discussion such as this. Gamu had forced her hand, and she had shown it willingly. As it turned out, Abalia was rather tired of playing the diplomat even when she did not need to do so.

"If sentimentality and petty ethics carry no meaning, if life is indeed this empty dance of strength and conquest, then all of creation ought to simply burn. It has no value if that is the case."

Ah, the feeling of that intense stare and Gamu's body recoiling. Her guts churned in that same primal feeling that she was getting to see more of. Her heart simply wanted to burst out of her elastic chest with how fast it pumped blood through her body. Every part of her being recoiled and Gamu found herself grinning, she could not explain why. Her tembling hand reached up to touch at the lips which just refused to drop their corners.

It was indescribable for her, the why that she did not understand of this situation.

"Ha... Hah- Hehe, hahahaha."

She started while throwing her head back in a small fit.

"Don't compare us. We are as different as black and white, the result is the same but do not compare our nature and nurture as the same thing. You who was made the way you are by experience and me who was born this way."

"You are every bit as idealistic as the people you just condemned. Why, why, why? Why do you want me to atone? You're right, everything is meaningless at the end of life. Your beautiful ideal will have people leading empty lives until they pass, conform these animals to your expectations of humans. It's absurd! Don't you see that it'll just lead to that end, you'll end the world because it'll never be fixed. It'll never be what you want it to be."

If Abalia wanted to see Gamu become more humanlike, it could only be the opposite for what Gamu wanted to see. The very same thing that she wondered when she enabled the restoration of her soul. Would she truly become a monster with the return of emotional awareness, the despair and ability to lose faith in your fellow humans, jadedness, cynicism and hatred. The captain commander's pressure was just too much and she rolled over, the nervous laughing fit turning to coughs while she panted for air.

"I'll answer your questions next time but I want to know in return, if you decide that the world is as that and your spawn carry the very things you despise in the world. Will those children burn with it? Children are so nice and innocent up until they're painted nasty colours by the world they live in."

She spat out like it was a chore while her green eyes blankly stared at the fact that her fingers had created long marks down the solid material of her desk. Oh, it truly was a feeling that only Abalia could do to her. Gamu hoped she did not remain long, her poor heart could only take so much and she'd find it a bother to repair any damage when she did not need to.

"By way of experience, hm?"

Abalia's attention turned to the door, having fixated on that more than perhaps everything else Gamu had said. She heard it all, of course, and considered it all very carefully. This was an important conversation, so she could hardly brush it off.

"Had you listened more carefully, you might have noted that my condemnation was of blind idealism. Those whose views are shaped in spite of the world around them. Mine has been made this way because of it. You, Gamu, whose whole worldview has been this way since the moment you were born..."

Her eyes once more met Gamu, judgement clear in her gaze. She did not hold Gamu to account for her very nature, but if she wished to argue these sorts of things, then Abalia had no recourse but to be quite straightforward.

"You yourself subscribe to such blind ideals. Yours are simply antithetical to those of others."

And then, she was gone. There was nothing more to speak on, not this time.