Oh, My Poor Head [Abalia, Gamu]

"I do."

A simple affirmation, one which carried with it the full scope of Abalia's belief. She did not believe her own desires were unreasonable, or even impossible. After all, even if no others wished for it, Abalia would never cease to.

"If I disagree with what is held to be the very core of reality, then I will not change that view simply because it is how things are. I will not bend to the world if I do not believe in its tenets. If the world is one built on suffering, on the weak being forced under the foot of the strong, then I will change reality as we know it. That is within my grasp, within my ability, and I will do it without hesitation."

Abalia appreciated Gamu's willingness to speak on this matter, however, and she knew that few would do so. This was exactly what she had known Gamu would provide her. A clear, open dialogue unhindered by anything other than genuine belief.

"The soul cycle is built on death, yes, but the nature of pain, suffering, is not necessary for it. I will remove them for the sake of those who are incapable of changing their own lives."

"You truly are a monster. A bigger monster than me."

She said plainly, there was no accusation. Just a statement based on her assessment of Abalia. An individual that did not accept the world but would force all its denizens to abide by her own ideal. Deprive them of their own power or place for some trivial idea of peace despite the impossibility of it. Take away power, they'll make weapons, take away weapons and they'll weaponise tools and if that is taken away they'll just murder each other with their bare hands.

"Death is natural, an inescapable thing and by that very nature of fragile existence people will fear it. Make desparate moves, their bodies need food, pleasure, satisfaction. All resources that are limited and yet for survival. So you'll never succeed, you'll fall short somewhere like being unable to lead the living and the dead as you are finding now - or you'll succumb to your own selfishness and want to spend more time with people you actually care about and know over those faceless masses you value so much."

It was coming back to the point that she raised at the start, did she not want to step away from Vastime for her own selfish whims? Her children and friends were taking priority over that desire by the looks of it.

"Even if I fail, I will not simply accept that fact. I am not a weak-willed child. My vision for the world is one fundamentally built on the needs of the people. What would you instead insist I do, hm? Simply accept the nature of things? Close myself off to the miniscule scope of my own desires and life? To accept that would only be admitting failure."

Of course, Abalia knew that Gamu was correct on at least some level. That her success, if any, could only be temporary. And above all, that her own desires were now holding her back from the ability to simply enact whatever goals she saw fit. She could not even necessarily say that she was unhappy about it. But she would not accept anything so passively.

"If I fail, then I will fail. I will not quit out of fear that it might happen, or acquiescence to the nature of things."

"Yes, it's more pragmatic rather than being a fool and a chuuni where you go beyond what's realistic. Quite stupid really, what? Should I continue my pursuit of being an apex predator, even after you made me experience fear. Oo it was just so scary that I almost wanted to wet myself in terror but by your logic I should resist. I should... pursue it even if I would fail and try to kill you. Pfft."

Gamu said, partly chiding but finding her more quirky attitude to be coming out in that she was beginning to make flamboyant gestures with her hands and face to illustrate how scared she was and waving her hand away dismissively after the end of it. She liked to live, even if she had to put her desire on pause while she was underneath Abalia out of submission to the woman.

"Failure's part of life. Don't you know the rule of thumb with making smart goals? It has to be possible and then done in a reasonable timeframe. You won't live long enough to establish this by your own ethical code; and when you're gone or not looking the monsters will crawl out of the woodwork, out of that gorgeous shadow you cast and tear at everything you've done until it was like you weren't even here to begin with."

She declared it with assuredness because she herself was very proof of that fact. A leashed dog that would only behave for its master, even if she dominated every single person in the world into following her whims it wouldn't matter when she wasn't looking or dead!

Sighing to herself, Abalia had no other option but to concede that, ultimately, there was some validity to Gamu's stance. That it was unreasonable, even to the point of being detrimental, to hold this idealistic stance. It would hardly be the first time that Abalia had only harmed others by the pursuits of her ideals.

"I suppose it is. It is a part of life I make a habit of avoiding whenever possible, but I suppose it cannot be avoided forever. We ought to speak more, you and I. Your thought process is quite helpful."

Best not to comment on the fact that she simply felt a measure of pity for the woman, for her mindset being as it was. Abalia's love for others, for her children, for her friends, was enough that she could only feel a faint degree of genuine sadness for the mentality Gamu displayed.

"I wonder what other room for growth you have, beyond the fear I have instilled in you."

"Speak more? Hahaha, why would you want to talk to me more? Are you falling for me? Oooo, does that mean I can kiss you and play with your boobs?"

Gamu swapped from the generally serious demeanour to her own more happy-go-lucky attitude. Ignoring the fact that she was just talking about something so serious. A thoughtful look while contemplating Abalia's question of how much more she could grow.

"There's lots of room for growth in me. Watch this."

She put her thumb in her mouth and blew, the bubblegum body going up in breast size a few cups like she was showing off the most trivial parts of her incredible physiology. A stupid party trick compared to its true purpose and benefits.

Gamu did not exactly understand what she meant by Abalia's comments. She spoke of potential but Gamu only knew growth as the form of power and dominating prey. Everything else she had displayed was either superficial or done out of imposed selflessness by Abalia's presence. If someone wanted her to take care of kids who wasn't Abalia they certainly would not be returned in the same condition.

"I am afraid I have no interest in the same sex, Gamu. If I did, perhaps I might yet have feelings for you."

A simple admission, one that carried with it, in Abalia's eyes, little meaning or importance. It was a hypothetical, after all, based on a life that she did not leave. Standing from her seat, Abalia moved around the desk to give Gamu a simple hug, unperturbed by the change in her physiology.

"At least you are self-aware."

She knew that Gamu likely did not see remotely eye to eye with her on this matter, but it struck her as tragic, in a way, that a woman so intelligent as Gamu was burdened with the outlook of a wild animal. Was it even possible for Abalia to teach her something more? Such a question was irrelevant, really. She would try regardless, for that was simply in her nature.

"Hehe. Me neither."

Though really that was better said as, she didn't have an idea of sexuality. It was something she knew of but the idea never really held in her mind. Could she at any point in time say that she had felt lustful? No. She was keenly aware that animals - people included - had the inclination to procreate but it was a missing factor in her own psyche. There was no purpose for her to reproduce when she aspired for the position of Apex Predator and continue the concept of reproducing an individual who would continue that legacy when she would acquire it herself or pass away.

Hunger was all she felt, the need to eat that gnawed at her from the way that her soul was constituted. A horde of hollows shaped and twisted into a shinigami. If the hollow from four-hundred years ago was dubbed White for its internal appearance then Gamu could only be dubbed as being Black for she was empty and sought to fill that dark void. No different than the hollows of Hueco Mundo.

So when Abalia hugged her, Gamu felt nothing. What was she supposed to feel from this genuine act? Happy? Lustful? Scared? Instead she just sat there on her desk until Abalia was done. Even the statement that if she was interested in women then Abalia might harbour something for her did nothing but make her think how eerie it would be for this terrifying woman that could end her at any moment on a whim to regard her like that. She never viewed another individual like that.

"Well duh, what kind of soul would I be if I wasn't sentient? I wouldn't be much of a predator if I didn't have that."

She seemed to take pride in that statement. Being self-aware gave her a leg up on those beasts driven by only instinct. She had both instinct and self-awareness ergo, a greater threat than they could be.

Perhaps Abalia had given her a bit too much credit on the matter of self-awareness, but she would not take back what she had said. Even if simply because it would be rude to do so. Removing herself from the embrace she had given to Gamu, Abalia straightened her uniform out before turning toward the door.

"I will certainly be back to speak with you again. Before I go, I will leave you with a handful of questions that I would like you to consider, and for which I would like answers by the time I return. Do not give me answers right away. I would like you to take time for these."

Each question was matched by a counting on Abalia's fingers, shown to Gamu as if to more fully illustrate for the woman.

"First, what is it that you believe defines you from others? What distinguishes you from both other people, and from other living creatures as a whole? Second, how do you intend to pursue your own goal in life? Third, what do you believe your life will look like when that goal is achieved? And finally, the fourth question, what would you do if I ordered you to perish?"

Radically different questions, and the last one in particular certainly carried no small amount of menace simply in what it was. But Abalia meant nothing by it. She simply wanted Gamu to think about these things.

What a handful of questions. Gamu smirked as Abalia headed for the door but she let out her more authorative tone that she used at subordinates from her position as a captain which really held no sway over Abalia but it was confident.

"Wait."

Her expression was difficult to place, so straight that it gave away nothing of what she might be feeling when she said it which made sense considering it was a matter of curiousity but might answer the fourth question in the process.

"If you ordered me to perish I would try to kill you, successful or not. There is no point in not trying come that point..."

The woman's eyes narrowed as she continued, staring at Abalia like she demanded an explanation. For all those questions the last was the only outlier.

"I do recall having already offered to let you consume me. Of which I have no doubt I would surely manifest inside you as an inner hollow for someone of your pathetic spiritual constitution could not hope to evict or destroy my own. You may never struggle with your powerful will to subdue my hollow nature but you would never be rid of it. Soooo, why not?"

"You claim all those grand goals when you cannot fight those individuals who hold power by yourself, you don't pursue power though. You acknowledge your own goals will likely fall apart once you disappear and yet you are aware that I can't live in your ideal, by nature of my wish I will make others suffer. You don't get rid of me for what I presume to be you see value in my abilities rather than any sense of responsibility or care for me but you take this pathway instead. I can only assume it's because you're weakness shows, you're sentimental and claw at your ethics. Are you scared that if you forsake those silly things you'll be just like me at your core?"

It wasn't fair for Abalia to try and make her understand a human mentality to the extent of this self-reflection when Gamu did not understand the case study that was Abalia's own mentality and she was the only person that she acknowledged so how could she reflect on herself when she didn't understand what Abalia wanted from her.