Rattling Winds [Shishiyuki, Asami]

"One meeting will not tell us everything about a person's worth, no. But bear in mind that one meeting is not simply a chance arrangement of events. It is ultimately the interaction of you and them, a view of how they are in their day to day life. If you do not find interest in it then, it would be unreasonable to think that you might in time come to find it pleasant."

A first impression, after all, meant everything. It wasn't as if Shishiyuki and Makoto's first meeting had been what could be called "pleasant." But it had nevertheless incited interest from Shishiyuki, at least enough that she had kept Makoto in her life and involved herself in Makoto's more than was typical.

"Happiness is not something which comes only once, which we must catch or lose it forever. I know that what you are going through is difficult, and I do not pretend that you ought to simply feel better about it. When you feel such a way as this, that grief will make any chance at happiness seem a welcome reprieve. But that is only inviting further hardship, futures where you must break the heart of another or where you invite those who would take advantage of you."

She sighed quietly, not in any disappointment in Asami, of course, but because she understood what a heavy situation this was for her.

"You will be alright in time, Asami. Happiness will come. You do not need to push yourself to feel it sooner than you are ready for."

“But it was right there.”

Asami hissed, the sudden shift in tone cutting through he air between them like a knife. She near slammed the cup back down on the table, a white knuckle grip saving it from shattering but offering little to quiet the clatter. Her cheeks flushed with colour, frustration painted behind those crimson orbs, before her head bowed in defeat. She really was a wretched little thing. The loathing was barely concealed beneath the surface now, as she tried to lower those guards that kept her civil just for the sake of progress.

Time. It was always time. Everyone said it. She said it too. Whispered it into the mirror at night and told herself that one day she would wake up and the ache wouldn’t be there. That she had made the right choice to act as she had. That her feelings were well intentioned but never meant to last. Time was her curse, it seemed. To ensure the slow torture of the dagger that has slipped between her ribs and pierced her heart. Too deep that she could remove, too tough that she could not shatter it.

“Sorry. I must be quite poor company. If it was just a matter of waiting for myself to feel better then that would be hard enough, but it is the pain I carry along with it. The genuine thoughts of wellness that I want to give but find myself now lacking the courage. I do not want him to think of me as bitter, to think I blame him in any way for what happened. I am the cause of all this, that is all.”

"If you were poor company, Asami, I would already have left, or declined to speak with you in the first place."

By contrast, Shishiyuki was still composed, lacking in any judgements toward Asami. After all, wasn't this all wholly reasonable? She certainly thought that it was. Perhaps not what one would typically call "rational," no, but that is not the way to think about matters of the heart.

"You are correct, Asami, that it is only your own heart that leads to this. There is no one else to blame, but that does not mean that you are guilty of doing anything wrong. To make a comparison to something less abstract for a moment, what is the correct course of action when one injures the body? Is it to simply push yourself anyway, put forward effort until the matter resolves itself and you are healed?"

Shishiyuki set her own cup down more gently, her expression growing just a touch stern now.

"You wait. No matter the agony of the waiting, because to force yourself is only to invite further injury. That happiness was there in your grasp, yes. It is now gone, and to focus on it, imagine what would have been and continue to imagine that it was your only opportunity, will cause exactly what you fear. I know without any doubt that there were countless chances in my life where I might surely have found lifelong happiness, but they are past. If I clung to them, if I continued to hold myself to blame for them, then I would not be happy now."

To think of it like a physical injury was an interesting change of perspective. Did that make Shishiyuki her attending physician? Asami did want to believe her, she knew that every piece of advice she gave was spoken from a position of care and experience, so she should listen to her doctor. A master of illusions like her should have no problem with fooling even herself.

“I don’t know how to let go. I thought I did but something always remains, and then it aches all over again. It would be nice to just go back to how I was before all this but I will have to go the long way around, won’t I?”

She sighed, softly, as the tears welled up in the corners of her eyes. Her gaze lingering on the table as she seemed reluctant to meet Shishiyuki’s firm stare. Desperation had robbed her of much of her sensibilities; trampled on her spirit until she was holding together the last few failing embers, yet she was thankful not to be alone. A selfish thing for a pit of misery to think, but just hearing that gentle reminder that this was not the end was a welcome reprieve.

“Is it better to just wallow in it all until there is nothing left to feel, or find some grand distraction to bury it all under until I forget what was buried? I’ve had the time to do bits of both, but I’ve been dragged this way and that so much that I’m still somewhere in the middle.”

"To simply go back to how things were is not the nature of life. As with every experience in life, this will stay with you, in some fashion or another, even if you do not remember it decades from now. It is a matter of learning from it."

Shishiyuki didn't like to see Asami in such a vulnerable state, though the last thing she could do was blame her for it. To open one's heart was no easy thing, after all, and she understood perfectly well that if she were to lose Makoto, that would wound her deeply.

"To simply force oneself into one of two extremes is unhealthy. There is no reason to push away that grief if it reaches you in your hours alone, as simply pushing our emotions down only causes them to fester into something worse. However, do not let yourself be consumed by it either. Go about your life, and allow yourself to be reminded of what is good in it. Do not open yourself to whatever might come, of course, but remember that you are not alone in this world."

Huffing to herself, Asami reach up a hand to gently wipe away those building tears before they began to run down her cheeks. She was hardly composed once more, her expression somewhere close to a frown whilst trying to move past that hill. It was not like she enjoyed showcasing this side of herself, or the pity that people showed her because of it. This was something she would learn from and, eventually, it would be a distant memory.

"What more can be said then? I fought, I lost, and now I have to learn to accept that defeat. I cannot say I am overly familiar with the concept, yet by the end of this I feel like I will be something of an expert."

If that was unhealthy to think that way then perhaps it was for the best that she had opened up to Shishiyuki. Still, for all that she had said, Asami didn't feel much better. There was no quick fix to heartache, no shortcuts she could take, just a whole lot of waiting and feeling numb.

"If there were more to be said or done, I would crtainly say as much. But such austerity as has always been maintained by we of the Koizumi has sheltered us from many of the realities of life. In that respect, I ought to ask your forgiveness, for having fostered such an environment as that."

Shishiyuki offered a genuine bow of apology, not an overly showy deep bow, but a personable one, her gaze low even if her posture only lowered a bit. She held herself personally responsible for many of the troubles the younger members of her family faced, and that naturally included even matters such as what Asami was now facing. Things like this were matters that had long been considered simply part of being Koizumi.

"Please feel free to reach out to me whenever you feel necessary. I would not wish to make you deal with this matter alone, though I understand that there are likely others who might have a better word for you."

Asami's cheeks burned with shame as Shishiyuki bowed before her, the disappointment of receiving such a gesture was enough to crush her as thoroughly as even the most telling of blows. The tears that she had just a moment ago attempted to abate now stained the floor between them. A good part of her wanted to descend to her knees and ram her head through the ground so that there could be no mistaking who should be shown respect in this meeting. But she would not disgrace herself further with such uncouthness. No. She matched the bow with an equal one of her own, the quiet pitter-patter of tears against wooden boards the only accompaniment.

"Regardless, I am glad to be a member of your family, Lady Koizumi. For that, I would never wish for your forgiveness, even knowing that I would end up here again."

Backing away slightly, a hand reached up and tugged at the fascinator that sat atop her head. The red ribbon flew free, no longer held stiffly in place by the intricate design, and yet remained wrapped around a few strands at the back of her head. Swallowing her pride once more, she rose to showcase those broken features and forced a candid smile back upon lips that had long since consigned themselves to a frown.

"The Furukawa are always at your disposal if there is anything that you need."