I'll See You in Sierra (Cala/Saiko)

As Cala answered they were somewhere trapped between regret and hope as they spoke it. Their emotions at literal war with one another as Saiko blinked, rapidly, and before she said anything Cala was both worried they had said something too.... much.... and also hopeful it had caused the same effect on her as she did on them. Even if only for a moment, that stunned, quiet and yet thought-provoking rush was well..... how she always made them feel and now that they had a better way to identify it with her, they would say something.

Saiko's answer, however, brought that idea to a halt. Caused their vision to waver and pulse to quicken, a quiet, happy inhale coming from Cala and when Saiko rested her head on their shoulder they warmed up considerably. Though, what came next left Cala a little conflicted through the happiness. As Saiko's hand pressed over where Cala's heart would be, sinking in the fabric of the shrine maiden clothing to press on.... nothing.... Cala was sharply reminded of their existence as a Hollow. It was almost like a bucket of cold water to the face, a douse to their flame, but as Saiko bid them to relax they simply... did.

As if the water had been frozen mid-toss Cala simply.... let go of the tension. Her words brought about a guilty grimace from the Arrancar and they would look down, sheepishly fiddling their hands in their lap until Saiko looked up at them with eyes that made Cala think of individual, deep, mysterious and wonderful oceans. The fireworks would finally begin to fade and sputter and Cala pursed their lips and blew a small puff upward from their mouth, causing their hair to flip gently and as their body went lax they simply... shrugged. Their voice genuinely confused as they turned to look down at their hands.

"I-I suppose... something had to happen, h-huh?"

A sort of.... hurt would flow over Cala's features as their chest ached. They couldn't put it into words, yet, but something about what Saiko had said had hurt them deeply. A simple question, a sensible question, but still one that left them feeling..... horrible. Slowly, with tender gentleness, Cala's arm that Saiko rested on the shoulder of would blindly search for her hand and take it, squeezing it softly, seeming to draw strength from her touch as their eyes of a usual bright lavender appeared.... sunken in that moment. It was only after a moment of holding her hand that they drew in a shaky breathe and answered.

"I.... I don't know if you could say s-something happened. I-I mean... besides us... me... dying. Us becoming a Hollow... we remember bits of it, it's vague but umm..... in the same way that when I look at you I f-... feel... ermm...."

Cala glanced at Saiko before looking down at their joined hands and muttering.

"....H-...Home.... I think? Comfort... but also confusion. I'm sorry. I know I don't make any sense. But.... well.... we feel like for a time we could have become a much worse person than we are a-and... and that potential isn't gone. Our aspect, we remember going to the City of Lights. The Quincy h-had just.... suffered terribly. People died, the city was s-scarred..... People suffered."

Cala's hand would tighten it's squeeze on her own just a tiny but, their knuckles whitening but surprisingly their voice steadied itself due to her touch.

"In the moment we saw so much Loss, we became... enraptured. I met a Quincy then, who caught a building that was going to fall on us because we were justlikemothstoaflameandwedidn'tevenfeelalivenaymore and......."

Cala closed their eyes, a tear running down their cheek, and looked down at her, meeting Saiko's eyes with their own shimmering lavender orbs.

"That has been our whole existence, being fascinated... being addicted to Loss, to seeing other reduced to nothing, irreparably. Feeding on it, losing our minds and.... I-I'm worried one day we won't come back."

Cala went silent then, inhaling shakily, letting their words stay with Saiko as they leaned their own head over, resting it gently against her own. Their dark hair mixing together as Cala inhaled her scent gently. Slowly, bit by bit, calming.

Saiko felt silly when she touched Cala's heart and felt nothing there. So, a playful giggle left her mouth as she gently moved her hand down his chest and looked at the hollow in their eyes.

"Mmmmm, sorry about that. I forgot you were a hollow, hehe."

With that little mishap addressed, Saiko let Cala move his hand wherever he wished. Observing him made the woman realize that he was again tensing up and trying to prepare himself to express those nervous emotions. So, she let her soft hands gently squeeze to comfort him as she listened to what he had to say regarding his life.

From what she could digest, death was most likely a traumatic experience with complications that altered the mind. Going from a human into a hollow was a laborious process, let alone when you were made to be two people like Cala seemed to be. Regardless, they were searching for something that was home to them. And when Saiko heard that, she knew that the hollow was looking for something to ground themselves to.

Furthermore, as they described their need to always be around loss, Saiko nodded and understood that desire quite well. When her possessive powers as a demon took their greatest control over her in the past, she always wanted to drain and suck out the world's misery, woe, and pain. And from that sentiment, she could understand him and gently stroked the head of Cala before she was ready to speak on these things.

"You...are looking for something or someone to ground you. It's scary being a being that is the worse aspects of humanity put into one."

Being careful about speaking on this topic, she paused for a moment before continuing.

"Cala, you are scared of losing yourself to your power and becoming a genuinely evil hollow. I know that because I was scared of that myself when I let my demonic half guide me for many years."

Now resting her free hand on his shoulder, Saiko looked Cala in his eyes and continued.

"If you need help, reach out and ask. There are people in this world that can help with that. I wouldn't want to see you suffer in silence."

For reasons too complicated for Cala to truly process in the moment Saiko giggling and stating she forgot they were a Hollow made them feel.... better. Saiko accepting their actions, listening to them, and from what Cala could tell, genuinely understand them made them feel.... better. The gentle squeezes she returned, in the dying embers of the fireworks, her fingers softly running through their hair as she pat their head to comfort them, all of it.... made them feel better. In her first response to their desires, she was distinctly correct, though her statement about them as a Hollow, what being a Hollow meant, stung severely compared to how wonderful everything else she said and did made them feel.

After that though, when she compared what they were to her own past, a past Cala had seen glimpses of already..... they gave a faint, almost imperceptible nod, their eyes widening as they stared back into her eyes. Cala's own pupils expanded to the point their lavender irises nearly vanished, like a faint corona of lavender light around a black hole, they stared at her. Barely registering her hand come down to rest on their shoulder Cala blinked, slowly, as she mentioned there being people who could help them, that Saiko did not want them to suffer. Those words.... left Cala in a state of boundless mixed emotions.

Even now, in so understanding a situation, they could not change what they were. Even now, here with someone who enchanted them completely, they could not shake that feeling from within. Even now, even now it felt like they failed to continue to improve in combatting that part of themselves as their mind began to race. To worry, to claw and scrape, to tear and demolish, at every bit of stability their mind attempted to grant itself. Every comforting thought and feeling that it used to bolster itself, and it was not enough. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

What was not said was as important as what was said, at least to Cala's lost mind, and as Cala simply stared at her suffer in silence is most certainly what they began to do. They couldn't bring themselves to speak, not for a long while, as their mind took from them even the comfort of her attempts to build them up. She had said others could help, others, or that there were... people? She didn't want to see us suffer.... but....

In truth Cala wanted to scream, but still they did not move, did not speak, and their body language was absolutely still. Their mind, or their aspect, or their self, whichever one, had ground to a halt as Cala slowly closed their eyes. They had been close, so close, to wounding their own heart. So close to the thought that Saiko would not help them, was telling them to find someone else to help them, and yet after the thoughts stopped, after silence reigned over their mind for a blissfully clear moment they realized how foolish a thought that was. She was helping right now, she was doing just that, what need had she to say it?

Lowering their head and their gaze Cala would nod, gently, and purse their lips in a slow, pensive motion. Their mind now strangely quiet, their other self still slumbering, and they would inhale a shaky breathe as they licked their lips and murmured in a quiet, distracted voice.

"Th-Thank you. That does s-scare us.... umm...."

Almost finding the quiet harder to deal with than the panic Cala shivered and draw Saiko's hand closer, their fingers gently lacing over the back of her hand as they clasped her.

"I think... I-I think I know why.... I worry so much. Why you seem so f-familiar, a-and... why you make me feel so wonderful a-and scare me."

Cala did not mean Saiko scared them in the traditional sense, no. She was the opposite of frightening to them, and even her power did not elicit their primal response from their other self and despite saying this Cala went silent, they did not know if they should continue, did saying it even change anything? Would it change anything? They doubted it but now they felt like their perception of a lot of things had shifted in that moment. Instead of speaking anymore Cala swallowed and simply murmured.

"I-I don't know... how it was f-for you. We seem so similar b-but.... o... okay. I don't want t-to be a burden, I don't want to be weak, I feel so lost right now but I think you're the o-only one who would know how to help me w-with..... all of it. Friends help. A-Ari helps. Aina helps our other half but.... h-how can I be better? What do I do? Wh-Who..... Who is here for me? The weak burden, the split freak, warring with themselves with no one having any reason to care....."

Mmmmmm. Saiko could see that Cala was becoming more nervous again, but that was the nature of speaking things that came from the heart. It was a terrifying thing to express the sentiments of your soul, but one that was needed if you wanted to feel any connection to people in this realm. So, she softly tightened her grip and just let the hollow speak.

The words that came out of their mouth indicated that they felt useless, weak, and a burden on others. They wanted to become stronger, have people be there for them, and not be such a freak. And it is for that reason that Saiko let Cala's head rest against her shoulder as she gently tapped it.

"You have to take things slow and accept where you are at now."

Once Saiko nodded, she continued addressing things.

"You have to make a plan to get better, have people in your life that motivate you, and clear out all the toxic shit in your head."

After tapping her head, Saiko reflected internally on herself as she knew the demons she faced and carried on with speaking to Cala.

"Of course, I can be there to help you along the way. Whatever you need to be stronger mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, I'll help you with that. You aren't a burden on me, and I want to see the people I befriend in this world be happy."

By now Cala was so emotionally exhausted, so close to numb and defeated they simply listened. The soft touches to their head, the feeling of their head on her shoulder, acting like some sort of odd orchestrator for Cala's thoughts. The touch and wind of her finger causing them to dance this way, a tap and swirl causing them to twirl that way, and so on. As Saiko mentioned for them to take things slow Cala gave a small, almost furtive nod, as if they didn't want it to be seen. Now that their mind had calmed some, now that their hair and head were being pet and played with, the quiet of their mind made them feel... guilty.

This feeling was only exacerbated as Saiko mentioned she would be there to help and it was with a sinking heart that Cala realized they felt guilt not because they had anymore pent up anxiety, not because they were scared of anything in this moment, but because of their inability to control themselves Saiko had largely missed her fireworks just to comfort them. A thought that made a cold feeling squeeze their stomach tightly, crush it even, but Cala was far too tired to have another bout of anxiety. For once a greater set of emotions smothered that cold feeling under mounting exhaustion and guilt and Cala didn't know what it meant that even with both those unpleasant emotions weighing down on them they still felt better than they would have without them.

As Saiko confirmed they were not a burden they nodded, softly, and would swallow gently before muttering an apology.

"I-I'm sorry if me being this way ruined the fireworks. I-I just wanted to help you have a good time, get away from your... your own split self and maybe try to figure out why you make me feel the way you do but...."

Cala shook their head

"... I don't feel like anything has changed. Just the emotions. It's almost scary but you are a wonderful person s-so... I... I guess it could be worse."

Softly Cala would lift their joined hands up so they could see them and begin pulling as if to separate them but never quite completing the act as they grimaced. Their voice a low, contemplative murmur as they returned to simply holding Saiko's hand.

"You know w-what it's like.... to be at war with yourself. E-Except for me..... my other self is helping, the other voice inside is a good one but.... it's the... the instincts we have, the things that aren't a voice, that torment us. We're just as much monster as a person, and it f-feels futile sometimes."

"You didn't ruin anything; it's just conversation. Ya gotta stop being so hard on yourself."

Giving Cala a gentle chop on the head, Saiko nodded to affirm her own stance. So, for now, she would listen to more of what the hollow had to speak on. From what she was able to hear, Cala was pretty scared of turning into a monster. That war with yourself always makes you question the essence of yourself, and Saiko gave a gentle exhale of breath before summoning her thoughts.

"Look, Cala, I get that things like this are scary. To see within yourself and feel there is nothing but ugliness is something I know quite well. But, we are not those thoughts. If you truly want to get better, you cannot see it as futile."

Standing up, Saiko threw Cala in her arms once more, enveloped them both in an aqua hue of energy, and leaped upwards in the air to get a good vantage point of the forest below. As to her, the illumination of their oceanic and pink energies against the moon's backdrop made for a beautiful scene. Yet, for the time being, she couldn't get lost in that. She had a demonstration to do.

"Did this forest grow over time? No. It took time for the trees to grow, it took time for the animals to find a way to make life possible here, and it took time for things to develop and evolve. And much like this forest, you will have to be patient and change over time."

Speaking in a soft and nurturing tone, Saiko's gentle gaze looked back at Cala before speaking.

"Do you get it? You know the most awful aspects of yourself, so the true test of character will be to work to improve them, reach out for help and resist those urges."

At Saiko's insistence to stop being so hard on themselves Cala... was a bit surprised as Saiko bonked them on the head. Their lavender eyes widening and blinking quickly as it was almost as if she had simply hit a reset button inside their head. Her next words, about not seeing their efforts against what lay inside as futile, those struck a chord with Cala. Their lips pursed tightly in thought Cala blinked as Saiko stood, only to yelp quietly as Saiko picked them up with no effort, Cala's arms quickly encircling her neck as their legs kicked gently.

With their eyes squeezing shut as the wind whipped by them, their raven hair billowing softly, when Cala next blinked open their eyes they looked up Saiko, shrouded in a spread of hair as black as night, aqua eyes all but glowing against the backdrop of the moon itself and.... their heart skipped a beat. Oceanic blue and brilliant lavender swirled and coalesced against the stark white of the bright moon, a dancing, flowing mixture of color and expression that made Cala's hands clench in appreciation. Softly scraping the back of Saiko's neck by accident as they peeked down at the forest below. Seeing where they camped, the animals, the streams, all of it so beautiful.

As Saiko made her point, soft and in a nurturing tone, Cala's breathe softened and quickened. A vague sense of understanding and excitement fluttering in their stomach as they swallowed down the dryness in their throat. Cala would look into Saiko's eyes for a long moment, their expression unreadable but internally they were tensing all over and mustering themselves to ask a question, only to drop their eyes and look at the center of Saiko's chest instead. Their arms tightening around her neck softly as they murmured.

"To change.... to improve a-and try to be happy......the first step.... i-is to choose to try e-even if it seems hopeless? T-To do your best no matter how much it hurts a-and those urges tell us i-it won't matter? R-Right?"

Cala would tense if they moved any, they didn't want to go down yet, they wanted to stay here, in the clouds and the sky, with their own personal angel if only for a bit longer. Knowing that, just like how their urges and made them feel, eventually it was pointless and they would have to go back down eventually. But for this moment, truly, Cala wished to remain right here.

Saiko noticed Cala tightening his grip around her, so she allowed it and eased her flight so that they gently levitated in the clouds. She figured he may have been shaken up from their speed, or he could just want to get close. Whatever the case, she smiled, looked back at the sight before, and nodded.

"Bingo! You got it. I mean, even your average Joe schmoe human being has trouble changing their, thoughts and feeling. They aren't like an on-and-off switch that you can just flip on a whim. I still expect to relapse, struggle and feel like nothing is working. But if you can be aware of that fact, you can eventually succeed and deal with the stressfulness that is progression."

As a gentle breeze blew by the two, Saiko closed her eyes and pondered how to keep moving the conversation out. Not because it was awkward for her but because these types of talks took a delicate touch. S, when the right words came, she nodded her head again and spoke.

"I think...it takes a village to help a person change. Like, when you have people you can trust in your life, they can be reference points to adjust your perception of reality. I mean: how can you know what is right or wrong if nobody even explains those concepts to you? You won't know if you are changing, staying the same or altering for the worse without people to pick you up. Does that make sense?"

After asking that question Cala's ears were full of the sound of their racing pulse, a tenseness to them they knew the exact cause of, a shortness of breathe they could not stop, and an anxious grip around Saiko's neck they couldn't let go of. Cala had meant to move the moment Saiko confirmed their question, the moment she said 'Bingo' Cala's entire body tensed, as if they were scared and they mentally kicked themselves. Intense worry causing their pulse to THRUM through their body so that by the time Saiko said 'You got it' Cala leaned up, fueled by anxiety and worry that they had already messed up what they intended, their lips briefly grazed Saiko's in a feather-soft touch. A brief, fleeting thing that Cala was too worried to put emotion into, acting too much on instinct to deepen, and it was over in a mere moment.

Her observations about the Joe schmoe and the village would go, likely unsaid as Cala slowly pulled back and looked away. They felt.... almost guilty? They were not good at these things, they barely knew what they were to begin with, and really only knew what their other self had told them. In truth they didn't even know how to truly kiss anyone and they could only imagine how clumsy their own had just been but, slowly, heavily swallowing down their fear they drew in a breathe that made their body shake in her arms as they murmured softly.

"I-.... I tried."

Closing their eyes Cala would wait to be dropped, or otherwise rebuffed, and in the silence following their words they murmured.

"E-Even though it seems impossible. E-Even though I feel like I am going to fail n-not because of you but... because of me.... I hope th-that makes things clearer. A Hollow that wants to love a Shinigami..... doomed to failure. But f-for you..... I tried."

The words hurt, very much, so much that Cala felt a spreading arctic chill in the pit of their stomach. Confusion suffusing their very being as they pondered over the things their other self had told them. Wasn't love, or affection, supposed to feel good? Were they supposed to feel like they were expected to fail? They had no idea but even as that chilling feeling deepened inside them they finally raised their eyes to look into Saiko's, steeled what remained of their nerve, and murmured.

"A-And I would keep trying, if it's what you w-wanted...."

Love, huh? That was a strong emotion and sentiment. Yet, that same emotion flowed from Cala's lips as the hollow moved his head close enough to Saiko to briefly graze her lips.

Following that action, Saiko blinked her eyes as she was honestly in a state of surprise. Yet, there was no look of disgust, anger, or sadness in her eyes. Instead, a more focused look came that aqua gaze of hers. She was processing that tingly feeling of closeness, desire, connection, and a need to dissolve the loneliness within the hollow's soul.

"Jesus...I'm not sure where to begin...."

Although Saiko thought she had the words, the suddenness of the moment still took her off guard as she briefly licked her lips. As she began to chuckle, the woman then caressed the cheek of Cala and continued speaking.

"...but Cala, be careful throwing the love word around. It's great to like a person, but it's still too soon for a deep love to form."

What better way was there to express her sentiments? There were a few people trying for her love, but that was something that took time to develop and nurture. Even if there was the potential for that, things had to go slow, and even that wasn't certain.

"I don't want to break your heart, but there is another that also has the potential for love to blossom."

Nodding, she continued.

"But that doesn't mean you don't stand a chance. I just want you to know what you are getting into."

Ugh, this was awkward, but it had to be done.

"If you intend to keep pursuing this, you may get your heartbroken. Are you willing to put yourself through that, Cala?"