It Reeks. [Liltotto/Cyrus]

Lil appeared to have almost completely vanished a short time prior - she wasn't around town, she wasn't even present for the festivities past a point. The only thing giving way to her present location was a note taped to her door for anyone who may have been of concern; having gone off to one of the beaches for "training", with little else to elaborate what she was doing or when she would come home, just an exact place to find her and her number if she was needed for anything.

Arrows of condensed Reishi whizzed into the distance of ocean waves darkened by the fall of the sun, a lone bow wielding woman being their source. She had been exercising for hours, fighting through hunger pains, to fixate solely on practice. Her only place of rest was a set tent nearby that she wasn't intent on moving unless told to, having spent a day or perhaps two now out here by herself. At the very least, she wasn't lying about training - she was working herself hard in the short time, Sanrei gloved and everything.

She wordlessly told her legs to stop trembling from weakness, commanding her arms to remain steady, her gaze to remain unblurred. Liltotto knew very well in a bad situation she wasn't going to readily have access to things for her to eat, so if she had lost tolerance for the worst of the sensations, she had to build it back up again.

Complacency couldn't be afforded.

The Grandmaster was many things, but a fool was not one of them. He kept track of all the members of the Vandenreich as best he could, and so it was only natural that word of Liltotto Lamperd's departure to a distant corner of the City of Lights reached him. There was rather little he could do but watch over his people at present, and so naturally he journeyed out. Certainly, Cyrus had made many mistake, but he had remained quite connected with those who worked with him. At least, he hoped that to be true.

"Do not overstrain yourself, Miss Lamperd. The Quincy arts are taxing ones. I watched my own family perish from the strain, and I would not especially wish to see such a thing happen to you, as well."

His voice wasn't necessarily chiding, but it was clear from the low, solemn, almost fatherly tone to his deep baritone that he wasn't necessarily pleased to see Liltotto pushing herself ot this degree. He understood, of course. Many of the Vandenreich had begun to strain themselves to keep from falling behind. But it was his place as their leader to ensure they did not stumble on that path forward.

There wasn't any need for her to even hear his voice to know who exactly was about to address her, though when the man's words actually reached her, she initially responded with a low, drawn out sigh, as she'd lower her weapon and give pause to her training, the glowing weapon remaining rested in her dominant hand hung lowly at her side. Her gaze turned to meet his, visibly tired from working herself practically to the bone training, her suffering of hunger making her legs feel like they were going to give out, even standing still, held up merely by her willing.

"I can handle a little Sanrei training." A calm yet worn tone dressed her words, and by the looks of things she appeared to have set herself to commit to the entire week's worth at the harsh pace she put on herself, "I can push myself. Anything less isn't enough, especially with what's been going on. If it'd really be enough to kill me..."

Her voice trailed off as her expression darkened, realizing whatever next she had to say would've just been stupid, lacking in the constructive, and depressing, "Nevermind.. I'm just being an idiot saying idiotic shit."

With a loosened hand, the bow dissipated, her head hung low, "...I've done nothing but slack off. Maybe i'm just punishing myself. I dunno."

"Much of the Vandenreich has been found insufficient in the face of Ichigo Kurosaki. But that is not a matter of failure, of slacking off. How could anyone have been prepared?"

Of course, Cyrus wasn't necessarily one to speak, when his own hubris had created this very moment of weakness. But he could not and would not ruminate on those feelings of regret any longer than he already had. He'd done that more than sufficiently by now, and the Vandenreich required its Grandmaster.

"Your well being is naturally of great importance to me. It is natural to punish ourselves for our mistakes, but we cannot simply let those matters weigh on us when others require we give our best. Perhaps we have failed, in one way or another, but what is more pressing is to ensure we do not do so again. I think you know already that such punitive training is meaningless."

Not that he was incapable of understanding her position. Quite the opposite, really. Cyrus understood it far too well.

His words were heeded, and perhaps on someone else they may have been at the very least convincing, but Liltotto's expression remained heavy and darkened with guilt both fresh and rotting in her heart. Her arms hung uselessly at her sides, the only bit of tension to them being her hands gripped tightly into fists, as if she hadn't any idea of how else to productively externalize her emotions. A deep breath pushed her tired tone into motion, soft and filled with pain, "I wasn't here, Cyrus."

With another labored breath that looked almost painful to take, face softly scrunched as her shoulders rose and fell, she'd continue, "And I kept thinking, even if I was here, would it have made a difference? And I just kept coming to a 'no, no you'd just be here to watch it all fall apart again'. I'm nothin' but a massive pussy, putting it all off, thinking everything'll turn out alright, and then it doesn't, and then i'm set to think that if I had actually bothered to try, maybe it wouldn't have turned out so badly."

Pants escaped her lips as she spoke, her hunger ebbing in her weak sensations, but she still kept her body up and talking, "But no. I got to almost live my worst nightmare all over again. The city's wrecked, my colleagues were horribly injured, my boyfriend worked himself raw trying to help pick up the pieces, and my mom nearly died again. And I couldn't do shit about it."

Her voice was trembling and almost to the point of breaking towards the end, but she swallowed her feelings, forcing herself to become composed, "I don't have any excuse to be sitting around, acting like everything will be fine. And if i'm really a part of the Soul King, I absolutely don't have any excuse for being so goddamn useless, neither back then, nor now. I don't want to lose everyone all over again."

"Enough, Liltotto."

Cyrus' voice, for the briefest of moments, reminded him of his own father. Harsh, cutting, authoritative. It was the voice of the Vandenreich's Grandmaster, not simply the man that had become embittered by his own failings. But even in such a harsh judgement, there was no anger, only the firm reminder that such a damning self-evaluation was not worthwhile.

"You are correct. Even if you had been here, nothing would have changed. But that is true of every member of the Vandenreich across the entire world. There is not a soul in this organization that could have stopped Ichigo Kurosaki. Perhaps, if Ahura Mazda were still with us, he could have handled the matter. But that only raises the question of whether the grave cost of such power is worthwhile."

He had chased power more aggressively than anyone, had climbed to the greatest heights and been thrown down for his hubris. Cyrus knew, better than anyone alive, the danger of such a drive.

"To simply rest idly is unacceptable, that much is true. But to push yourself beyond reasonable limits? To reach further than you can achieve in the moment? You will only invite your own destruction. Do not think of yourself merely as a part of the Soul King. That will cloud your judgement, in the same way that it did mine. You are a Quincy. A member of the Vandenreich. The reality is that we have always struggled, and we must do so now yet again. Will you struggle alone, simply in the vain hope that no others will do so? That is the very same burden I attempted to carry."

A soft cringe hit her features with Cyrus' tone, knowing that kind of voice plenty well. While in other contexts she would have taken it in a rather patronizing manner, here some part of her was hoping the man would shut her up with how much of a beating she was giving herself, both with the excessive training and with her own words and thoughts.

When she heard that name once more, her expression soured, looking off to the side in contemplation. Even if he were still around, she doubted it was entirely a good thing, both up front and in the long term. Her thoughts occasionally roamed into that territory several times, of if he were still around. With the power he held, Mazda conceivably could've handled most existential threats to the Quincy, but paired with everything else... Having but a single individual, especially someone like him, wasn't the best for everyone else. It'd likely inspire complacency the more things went on, just like how many placed their hopes and lives on that one man so long ago, and when he was gone...

"It's hard not to compare myself," Her tone was soft yet had a lighter inclination to it, raising her head properly to address him, "I spent my life lying low and hoping that things would just blow over and be alright. But it just kept getting worse, and worse, til I had nothin' left. And I lived in that nothing, thinking i'd be happier. I hated it. I missed everything too much. I just... I want to be somebody that's willing to do anything to keep that everything safe."

Her expression betrayed a look of anger, "I didn't wanna be small anymore, but I don't wanna be like Mazda, or that bush-faced asshole. I just felt like, I had to make it up to everyone I let down. I'm the one left alive, after the war, after the genocide, after all this time, it has to be for something," Her expression softened a bit, "... Least you're figuring that out well. The Quincy deserve a leader that doesn't expect them to throw their selves away to make ends."

"I would imagine so. You have had the displeasure of living through both Yhwach and Ahura Mazda's leadership, and that would only invite comparison. But I know already that you are someone who would be willing to throw yourself into danger for others. I hardly think you need to become someone like that."

Her anger was justified, expected even. Cyrus could not help but feel much the same way, but it was not worth simply sitting in that mindset forever. It was a poison to one's growth, and pushed people to make the worst choices. He knew that all too well.

"The people of the Vandenreich will grow strong, but it will not be through the paths walked before. There is certainly a tragedy in knowing that we cannot expedite the process beyond merely pushing ourselves, but we have seen all too well the suffering when we force a path where none should be carved."

Of course, Liltotto was correct. Cyrus, too, had been given little other choice but to see the reality of things after all that had happened. Sacrifice was an unacceptable path to walk at this stage, not when every person was worth so much.

She couldn't help but reflect upon her thoughts and experiences as the man spoke. Yhwach and Mazda, both powerful figures with influence among the Quincy, that ultimately passed. The former expected, no, ensured that those beneath him were ready and able to fall for his cause, but in the end, following or subjugated, amounted to nothing but a mountain of corpses and their "king" slain like a dog put to rest, any remaining Quincy being set to suffer for the actions of one tyrant's reign. The latter presented with just as much arrogance, but in the end gave his entire being up for stability. Sacrifice was the early end for the both of them, and as much as she felt responsible for others' safety and welbeing, and considering she herself may tread that path... Was that what she actually wanted for her life? To spend whatever remainder priming herself to be thrown out for further prosperity, to make amends?

There was a deep sense of misery in that idea, now that she was being forced to truly consider it, a deep sadness she couldn't describe nor understand, one that stretched past lifetimes. Her eyes glistened with tears she did not will, her lips firming, her legs visibly shaking from weakness.

"I feel like i'm selfish," Her tone sounded as if she were admitting to something shameful, "Like I haven't done enough to deserve what I have. I just can't help but feel inferior. I can't help but be reminded of my past shortcomings and state of mind."

She'd look off to the lights off in the distance with a mournful stare, "I can't even sit and enjoy a rare time of mutualism. If i'm even near any of them my chest tightens, and it's like i'm back to that field, fighting the Gotei, watching... Everything fall apart. I can't even put that behind me for a few days, and it does nothing but make me feel like shit. Lower than shit."

"There are some matters which we will never fully step past. It is not in our best interests to attempt to push them behind us. It is a fool's errand, a task so impossible that we will drain ourselves entirely in any attempt to move beyond it."

It wasn't as if Cyrus was unfamiliar with the concept, after all. In some ways, certainly, he had never carried the weight Liltotto had. He had not lived through the era of Yhwach's grand failure, and he had never known the Vandenreich of that era. But he had certainly seen his brothers die. He had created one of the greatest threats to all mankind in his own hubris. He had harmed those most dear to him.

All of it, however, was something he could no longer simply attempt to put behind him.

"The past builds into the present. Those lowest points of the past are simply the foundation we build upon now. Do not feel as though you should ever forget those shortcomings. Do not think that you should put that past behind you. Build upon it. Look at it and know that you would not be where you are today had it not occurred. And, above all, do not think you ought to forgive those who created that trauma."

There was certainly spite in Cyrus' voice, but it was not toward his subordinate. He had, after all, created the Vandenreich so that the Gotei could be kept away from Earth unless truly necessary. He stood by that, even now. Their current truce was just that; a truce. Nothing more.

"The Gotei United are allowed on Earth only because we are powerless to stop them for now. Because the lives of good and innocent people would be at risk if we went to war, and because the threat of Ichigo Kurosaki is a far greater concern. Selfish? You are a member of our Vandenreich, Liltotto, fighting for all the people of Earth. You are certainly not selfish."