Unforgiveable Sin [Murasaki, Hime]

There had been an unreasonable number of issues that Murasaki seemed to have inherited from her predecessor, and the worst part of many of them was that she knew perfectly well the previous Commander hadn't considered them issues at all. Many of them, like the Special Squads, had been an outright intention on her end. It only made her despise the woman's tenure all the more, even if she had to respect her the smallest bit.

This particular one had taken longer than a lot of the others, if only because there wasn't really even much record for her to work with. A prisoner that, by all possible metrics, really shouldn't have been released, and now she was just...out and about. Murasaki couldn't stand it, honestly, so she sent a missive to one Hime Tatsumiya.

It was quite clear from the wording that there was no refusing this summons.

Hime would, quite honestly, be insincere to say that she hadn't envisioned the possibility of being summoned by the newly appointed Captain Commander, Murasaki. She was a prisoner who really shouldn't have been granted a release from her cell without going through the proper channels.

To assume that someone with the weight of the Gotei United on their shoulders wouldn't find the methods that led to her release disagreeable would've been absurd. Blissful ignorance was not she ought to embrace here. She was thankful for her freedom, but if Murasaki thought otherwise, she would accept her fate. Come to think of it, would this be their first meeting?

Perhaps it would be a welcomed distraction from the indescribable change she felt in her memories, as if things didn't connect as properly as they did before. It felt so muddled....

Stepping before Murasaki, Hime would bow in respect towards the woman, observing her with an inquisitive gaze.

"Captain Commander Murasaki. I received your message. You wish to speak with me on a matter of great importance, yes?"

Murasaki certainly noted that the woman had used her first name, something that she couldn't help but consider a poor first step. She wasn't typically a stickler for all these rules and stuff, but this was a formal meeting, and she wasn't really a fan of being called by her first name in this context, much less by someone she'd never met.

"I'll cut right to it. I know the previous Captain Commander let you out of prison to serve as her guard, but that's not a position that matters anymore. Maybe more important, I know perfectly well why you were in there to start with. Kin and the Kokuryuteshi weren't exactly small threats."

Yeah, Murasaki knew that she probably remembered things much worse than the vast majority of people now. She knew perfectly well that, these days, the Kokuryuteshi weren't quite on the same level that they had been before...well, before everything was suddenly different.

"I don't really see very much reason I should keep you out of prison. You haven't exactly done anything to merit that other than be close with the previous Commander, and I think we both know her having you work for her outside any real Gotei position makes that even worse."

As she expected, the matter was indeed centered around her rather tenuous position as a Abalia's bodyguard. To be certain, even if she had made strides to turn over a new leaf in life, Hime was not so naïve as to think that that had any bearing on her being redeemable in the eyes of others.

She was a murderer who once fought under the banner of the Kokuryuteshi. Gracious though she may have been, she acknowledged she was no saint. She also acknowledged that she hadn't referred to the captain commander properly, speaking her first name as if they were familiar with one another.

Perhaps, something may have been more amiss than she wanted to admit. The mere mention of the Kokuryuteshi hadn't exactly presented her with clear memories. She knew what she did but everything else felt indecipherable right now. Still, it was her duty to remain composed. There was no excusing her making what might well be a poor impression.

"Understandable, Captain Commander Kagyaku. If anything, I always knew my position as Abalia's bodyguard was tenuous at best. I praise you for acting on the matter immediately. The Kokuryuteshi were fierce enemies of the Soul Society as a whole. And indeed, I fought and murdered in their name. Even with me defecting when I no longer agreed with their worldviews, I am aware that doesn't wash away the sins of my past."

Some small part of her mused that, if this were to truly be her fate, to return to prison after she had accomplished so much and found meaning in her life once more, she could certainly say her time was well spent. She met a fine number of people in the time she had been given.

"If this is the decision you feel best benefits you and the Gotei as a whole, I have no objections. There is no particular reason to contest it. I am grateful to Abalia, but I understand she hadn't exactly operated in a way most would find... agreeable. Though, if you will allow me to pose one question...is there anything I could do to prove myself worthy of being free or do you find my crimes to be unforgivable?"

It was a simple question, truth be told. There weren't many ways you could justify what she did in the past. Hime wasn't trying to change her mind. If she did not align with this woman's ethics or the way she desired to conduct her business as a Captain Commander, Hime would accept that in stride.

Murasaki wasn't entirely sure what she should have expected as a response on this. On one hand, yeah, she was glad that at least Tatsumiya seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. Some people barely even seemed to care about what they'd done under the last commander, or passed it off as being only her responsibility. But on the other hand...

"I do find your crimes unforgiveable, yeah. But that's not the problem. I've known a lot of people who did things that are unforgiveable, but they still tried to make up for it on their own."

Her voice wasn't cruel, but it was certainly cutting, to the point. Murasaki knew several people in the Gotei who had used it as a method of turning their lives around, and she'd be lying if she said she trusted all of them. But they'd still shown the initiative in doing it, and Murasaki respected that.

"I've been Captain Commander for half a year by now, and this is pretty much the first time I'm hearing about you outside of the last commander's notes. If this mattered to you, if proving yourself worthy was really important, wouldn't you have done it on your own already?"

Murasaki had spent her whole life trying to make up for a crime that wasn't even hers. Prove herself as something more than just a mistake. She couldn't stand the thought of being so...passive, least of all when it was about a crime as heavy as treason.

Murasaki spoke with sharp precision, as she should have concerning this matter. Hime could sense that there was no malice behind her words. The Captain Commander was undeniably correct.

Outside of the duties she performed as Abalia's guard, she hadn't notably did anything that would indicate she deserved to truly walk as a free woman. There were relationships she had built, friendships she had fostered, and although there had been opportunities to perhaps join a division, she never actually made the first move to step in and join any specific group. Of course, none of that mattered here. It wasn't tangible enough to be used as proof to roam freely.

To the prisoners released who did make strides to prove their worth, to earn some semblance of freedom, Hime may have looked to be little more than a fraud, one who got by on the whims of a the former commander giving her an opportunity. At the time, she wanted to know that her sister was safe, that she was protected. And she chose to follow Abalia without question based on that one factor.

But now, things were different. There was more than her sister. There was Elyss. There was Hanako, and countless others. Try as she might to feel she could accept a return to prison, she couldn't help but wonder about how they would feel. At the same time, Murasaki presented a compelling point. If she was so eager, why hadn't she made the first step?

"Indeed, that is correct. I should have. There is no excuse to be made as to why that didn't come to pass, either. My first few months out, I myself questioned if I even deserved to be walking among those who hadn't committed half of the crimes I did, if any at all. Perhaps I didn't even think it was important at first, either. I did as I was told by Abalia, and from there, I simply operated as she wished until she stepped down. I should have chose to take the initiative and do more outside of that. Even so..."

Hime sighed deeply as she gazed at the woman with a sincere expression in her countenance.

"There are so many people I admire here, so many I've met that I care for with every piece of my soul. I want them all to thrive, and I want to support them. I do want to do it on my own. I want to offer my all to the cause of the Gotei. Perhaps, those words mean little now... but still. I would be lying to you if I said I could truly welcome a return back to prison without seeing if that scenario could be avoided. Captain Commander Kagyaku... if there is anything I can do to prove that I deserve to be free, I will do so without question. I want to be of use, I want to have a purpose here."

Above all, she wanted her existence to mean something. There were was a time where she welcomed death, to be executed for her crimes. Perhaps, she still deserved that, but for the first time, she wanted to be selfish. She genuinely didn't want to lose her freedom if there was an option to avoid that fate.

If Murasaki were a less composed woman, she might have scowled at Hime's response. As it stood, her expression simply remained professional and stern. What a terrible response that was. She had to know that, right? Was she just trying to be honest? Murasaki might have respected that in itself, but she didn't really think just being honest made up for the other options.

"Even after all that, you just end up asking me if there's anything you can do?"

She thought about the others in her division who had committed grave crimes, and maybe it was cruel of her to make the comparison. But, no. There were too many people who had betrayed the Gotei in Murasaki's life for her to treat this as a totally impersonal matter.

"If you'd told me what you wanted to do, I would have listened. I'd probably have gone easy on you, let you get to it with someone watching you. Look at Saiko Mori. She's every bit as much of a traitor to the Soul Society as you are. But when she came back, she wanted a change, even knowing people would want to kill her. She didn't roll over, she just did it, she worked for it without anyone needing to tell her what to do. So I walked with her every step, and I'm so proud of her."

Crossing her arms, Murasaki simply stared at Hime, honestly still unable to even imagine being so passive about everything, so willing to just roll over and accept it.

"If you wanted a purpose, you'd have made it. If you wanted to be of use, you'd have been of use. Even right here and now, you'd have told me what you wanted, instead of just hoping I had something for you. My vice captain will take you back to prison."

In truth, Murasaki hoped maybe Erika would be able to at least get something out of her that she herself hadn't been able to. But she couldn't really say much more here without bending on her own principles, and that was something she'd never do.

Even now, it seemed that Inaction had been her greatest affliction. To be certain, that was a part of a greater issue, one that had troubled her for the better part of her life. She recalled a time where she had a purpose long ago, one that didn't particularly require anyone's validation. Had she lost sight of something along the way?

There was a difference between words and actions, and so far most of hers had seemed to ring hollow. Perhaps, Elyss would likely call her out as well for not stepping up enough, for asking for purpose rather than making her own pathway in life. If anything, she'd probably call her a pushover.

There were a wave of emotions she felt at hearing Murasaki's words as the woman stood before her with arms crossed. Regret, perhaps, for not offering a compelling case, being chief among them. To be certain, Murasaki had certainly presented how this could have been avoided but what she suggested, is perhaps, to some degree, what Hime lacked at the moment.

A true purpose, a goal to strive towards. Something she was willing to die for. Its something Saiko certainly possessed. Hime had crossed paths with her before, could gleam that she desired to actively make use of herself once she'd earned a chance to be redeemed.

Hime had done nothing. That was an undeniable truth. Even now, she was saying nothing. She was not trying to be defiant. She was simply lettings thing be as they would. A return to a familiar prison cell with a sentence that likely wouldn't let her see the light of day any time soon.

Perhaps, when she hard the finality of Murasaki's words, something struck her soul. The fear of being isolated from all those she had met. She found friendship, she found some semblance of affection, she had been viewed in a favorable light in spite of her own crippling self-doubt. To go back to a place where she could not openly wake up and enjoy their company... it frightened her.

I don't want to go back there.

Then say something.

What can I say?

Are you truly that much of a coward? Even after all this time?

"I don't want to go back there. I can't deny anything you've said and you have every right to feel the way you do about me... but I can't accept this. It's true. I never took that step forward, I stumbled even after my release, doubting that I of all people deserved to roam free after all that I've done."

As Murasaki stared at her, the poise in her emerald eyes remained unwavering. Perhaps, this would change nothing. It very well may have been too late. Even so... even if she had to constantly show something, to act for a change... she could not bear the thought of returning to prison.

"There are many that are far deserving than me, who have shown something tangible enough to justify their freedom. I get that. Saiko is a wonderful example of that. Be that as it may, I don't want to go back to prison. I can't tell you what I want to do at the immediate moment. It would be dishonest to say I have a defined purpose in mind outside of merely following the rules I am given. My entire life has... always been a series of aiming to be affirmed by someone, to show that my existence means something, to simply go with the closest person who would say I mean something. I let that guide me down a regrettable path. I can't stand here and act as if I deserve mercy... and yet..."

As if it were unexpected even to herself, Hime had decided to speak her mind for once, even if it was perhaps an exercise in futility. For at least one moment in time, something compelled her to speak.

"I know I want to be here. I can't bear the thought of leaving the people I love and care for behind, to be imprisoned again. It would have meant that all of their faith in me had been for nothing. And I can't accept that. Still, I can't change your decision, Captain Commander Kagyaku. If I am to return to prison again, so be it. I know what I'm about to request is absurd, given that I have no sway as a prisoner, but..."

She sighed softly, gazing at the ground.

"I know that she can protect herself, but if I can't be present... at the very least, promise me you'll continue to watch over Elyss to the best of your ability. That is all I ask. I am so fond of her, so proud to see how she has grown. Mm, perhaps it wouldn't be all that far fetched to say that I love her. Don't tell her how much of a push over I was, though. She'll probably find some way to chew me out even when I'm locked away or maybe she won't care at all. I can't ever pinpoint her mood, truth be told. Maybe that's the most enjoyable part about her."

She looked up at Murasaki, prepared to accept her fate. There was no changing things now. At the very least, she could walk away knowing she hadn't been a coward, that she had expressed herself for once. Even from prison, she would find a way to prove herself, difficult as it might be. She would find a way out. Maybe this was the spark she needed. She couldn't say for now. It was time to face this new obstacle head on.

"I'm ready to be escorted out now. "