I'm Not In The Closet, You're In The Closet [Abalia, Makoto]

She was like a dog that had lost its bite, and it's bark. She didn't need to imagine that it might've hurt Abalia by how she said it was different for each of them. Her friend's condition didn't even cross her mind when she said it, it was just all her frustrations boiling over and now she felt like she had scalded herself with it.

Her red eyes struggled to look at Abalia but her ears didn't miss a beat in taking in everything the woman had to say about this. There was a lot to process like when did these two begin to mean a lot to her or her to them.

"I do want stability but I don't want it just handed to me by someone else, I trust you both a lot and you mean a lot to me which is why I don't want to be a burden either of you. I don't want to hurt either of you and that's why I don't want to love you like that."

It was a plural usage but she thought in hindsight it was lost a little bit, Makoto didn't even know what was happening anymore. If she didn't know about Abalia's condition then she'd have thought that was some kind of weird admission of love or interest, like when they met and she did not understand what the captain meant when she would stay the night.

Abalia was fairly certain she had not misunderstood what Makoto had said, but she felt, for now at least, that it was better for her to focus on other aspects of Makoto's response. Frankly, any meaning to be gleaned from these final words could be discerned on her own, rather than pressing the poor woman on it.

"The worry that one is a burden is a quite consuming one. But, Makoto, I can only assure you that you are no burden to me. I ensure your well-being, seek your happiness, because I do not wish to see one who matters to me in such a state."

While perhaps normally it might have seemed a poor decision in this situation, Abalia nevertheless moved herself from the opposite side of the table and sat directly next to Makoto, a reassuring gesture. Hopefully, anyway.

"Do not think it is a question of stability being handed to you by someone else. It is brought because you have made these bonds of your own accord. It is, I think, decidedly something which you have earned by allowing yourself to create these emotional connections, even in spite of your misgivings at the very idea."

This seemed a little familiar to Makoto. Patterns and parallels like how talking and being vulnerable like this with Shishiyuki also lead to sitting opposite one another to sitting right next to each other. It took her a bit to digest and push those thoughts back down especially because she was more comfortable at a distance but if she actually tried to retain that then it might make her wonder why and Makoto wasn't really looking to share the evening events and how they concluded.

Instead she just tried to give a small smile to the well-meaning gesture.

"But what if..."

She was going to reiterate the point of people betraying you but came to a standstill when she looked at Abalia's gaze. It was insincere of her to keep holding onto the idea that all people would betray her when it had been established as the opposite. It did make her a little ashamed that she was going to say that to her.

"Um. Nevermind. You're right."

Even if Makoto chose to simply avoid what she had wished to say, Abalia felt it worthwhile to build off of. Perhaps that was motherly nature, but she could hardly say for certain.

"There are many hypotheticals which might give us pause, which may at times seem to wholly overrule our own views or decisions. But, if there is one thing which I have learned in my life, it is that these hypotheticals are not nearly so important as even a single genuine event."

Abalia knew that perhaps that might have sounded a bit harsher than she intended, but she also felt it was more important to speak honestly than anything else.

"I do not intend to push you in one way or another, or to insist that you do anything in particular. But I do wish to make it clear that I will support you in any way that I am able, and in any way you require."

A single genuine event, Makoto did find herself wondering about that but also just how her friend might change after this mission was resolved. She did not know how much would change or if she would even remain the same person given how little she understood the actual process. Sciences wasn't her strongest suit, she understood what was important but left the rest to the actual researchers and third division people who chose to specialise in the applied and theoretical sciences. Ultimately though she decided that she'd still hold that person in high regard.

"Thank you."

She finally said and leaned in to give Abalia an embrace, hold her close and take a moment to show her appreciation. Makoto didn't want to acknowledge that she did feel her heart race a little more at the close proximity, if anything it was another nail in the coffin of being able to deny the obvious but her friend was very right.

Sometimes you couldn't control everything but she could accept it.

"I love you, Abalia."

The words left her lips and she considered clarifying what she meant but trying to explain it seemed pointless. She had faith that her friend would understand what she meant by saying them.

Ah. That was peculiar. Abalia did, of course, understand what Makoto had meant by that. It was not a romantic admission, it was an affirmation of the bond the two of them shared. To reply in turn was not to make some sort of false promise, so why, then, did Abalia hesitate, even if only for such a minute fraction of an instant that it was all but imperceptible? It was quite simple, really.

No matter how much Abalia might have felt it to be true, her heart was still empty.

Though she returned Makoto's embrace as warmly as she was able, she already understood how she ought to reply, what the correct course of action was. She could do little else but hope that it did not sound as cruel as she thought it might.

"I think you know far better than most that, were I to say those words in kind to you, they would be distressingly empty. They would mean far less than what you deserve."

Despite her own composure, Abalia's hold on Makoto tightened, just the faintest bit. Certainly, she could control those scant few emotions she did feel, but in this situation she had already lowered her guard. She did not wish Makoto to be upset with her.

"Such words are far too important to be said with anything less than the fullness of one's heart, I have found. And I, as I am, do not have a full heart with which to offer them to you. They are a promise which I would not dare make to you in such a state, not when you are so dear to me."

"It's alright."

It was alright, she understood. She was doing this mission for Abalia after all and her wellbeing, she volunteered for it and put other things on hold to enable that to happen and she did not regret doing so either.

After a small drawn out hug she sheepishly pulled back, her wry smile trying to hide her embarrassment at the act. She rebounded quickly it was how she coped with things or rather that to linger on things for too long weren't healthy and so to remain quiet, meek and mopey wouldn't get her anywhere. If only it was so easy for other aspects of her life as well.

"The food's going to go cold you know."

Crawling over to fetch Abalia's bowl and put it next to her own while she started to eat, no point wasting good food and especially not when Abalia made it.

Abalia had, quite honestly, not anticipated that her own words would have been received so warmly. Perhaps she was too critical of her own views, or had simply allowed her judgement to become too clouded by her own lack of emotion. She supposed that was all the more reason for her to be thankful that she had friends who were willing to assist her on that matter.

"Yes, I suppose it will. Thank you for reminding me."

She would not linger on serious topics any longer, if Makoto did not wish to. It was pleasant enough to simply share a meal with her friend, to see her smile and express such earnest cheer. It was something that Abalia could only hope she would find that much more uplifting in time.