I don't want to, but I know I have to [Inner World / solo]

Two things really began to irk Hanako. The first was that Bakumusha wasn’t telling her why he was seemingly hellbent on actually fighting. Not spar, but actually fight. The second was that while Bakumusha had a Shikai version of his Zanpakuto-self, she didn’t seem to be able to release the sword she had.

Actually there were three things: Bakumusha had begun to taunt and mock Hanako. And it began to really, really annoy her. He had the superior weapon and her on the defense. And he kept pushing…

WIth a loud cracking noise several trees, right where Hanako was standing just an instant before, came crashing down. Hanako stopped her flash step and was forced to dodge again instantly. The giant blade buried itself into the ground she had stood on, only to get pulled back by its chain a second later. Bakumusha began swinging the sword slowly and demonstratively relaxed on his right side. It was slow enough that Hanako could see several flower buds that had sprouted all over the sword. Bakumusha, who followed her glance, chuckled.

“Oh, don’t worry. I won't use it. You can’t learn anything that way.” he said and with a quick motion threw the sword once more in Hanako’s direction.

She deflected it with her own sword to her left, while she dodged to the right. Even the glancing blow was enough to make her arms hurt. What an incredible strength Bakumusha had. Her face was red and strands of hair stuck to her forehead, wet from sweat. She breathed heavy and could feel the end of her strength coming. Bakumusha pushed relentlessly, giving her no chance to catch her breath. It went on for...hell, she didn’t even know anymore.

“Oh, come on. You’re finished already?” Bakumusha roared, audibly amused.

“No, I’m not…” Hanako began, but was interrupted.

“Yes, you are. I can see it. I can feel it. And I can smell it. The smell of a coward. Of a little chicken.”

Hanako’s face hardened. He hadn’t called her a coward...until now.

“You heard right. You’re a coward.” he scoffed. “What was all the training for? Hm? Look at you, you’re almost completely out of energy and haven’t even landed a single hit on me. You will never be able to make an impression on anyone this way. No one will remember you. Your past may be hidden somewhere inside you, but your future is just an illusion. You have none. You’re a disgrace.”

The words kept hitting Hanako like stones. Even when the Hollows tore her apart it hadn’t been as painful as this now. The worst thing about it was...he was right. What was it that she had achieved. A posting as Lieutenant? Not for her strength, so much was made clear. She felt like the green graduate that threw herself into the tryouts of the Fourth Division and failed miserably. She had always blamed the Captain back then, but was it really him.

The thoughts that spread through Hanako’s mind were so dark they almost clouded everything, consuming her. Maybe a while ago they would have. Now, however, she wasn’t the same person anymore. She had evolved, had learned. She had learned a lot about herself. The dark, slimy, undirected self-loathing was still there and it probably would be for her entire life. But there was also something else. An ember, small, even tiny, but it was there and waited. Waited to become an inferno. The moment was now.

Violently the ember burst out and flames of defiance spread throughout hanako’s mind. Defiance of the self-loathing, the frustration and pity she felt for herself.

NO!

It was one word, but it was strong. It fought its way through the filth of the dark thoughts, clawed it’s way to the surface and with it came reason and pride.

No, I am no disgrace. No, I won’t give up. I haven’t before and I won’t start now. No, I won’t let this happen to me. Not any more. Proud...I am proud. No, I won’t back out of this. No, I won’t die! No, no, no, no!!!

Once again the sword flew towards Hanako. Once again she deflected it. Only this time, she didn’t try to get away afterwards. This time she charged. She sped away with a flash step, directly towards Bakumusha. But it wasn’t blind rage, Hanako knew exactly what she did. She knew the weakness of her Shikai and used it. Directly in front of Bakumusha she rematerialised, sword drawn back for an attack. With might she swung it. There was a flash of light and there she stood, her Shikai in hand, finally.
At the last possible instant Bakumusha had blocked her blow with his own armored arm.

“Good.” he growled in his deep voice, an equally deep satisfaction in this single word.