Bleach Platinum Hearts RP
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Pockeh
Pockeh
Metal as Fuck
Joined : 2010-12-11
Posts : 3387
Age : 29
Location : Where all sinners congregate

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue44400/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (44400/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:56 pm
Application Checklist
  • Name [O]
  • Appropriate Age [X]
  • Gender [X]
  • Appearance Present [X]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [O]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [X]
  • 10 sentences for personality [X]
  • History is of appropriate length [X]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [O]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [O]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [X]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[X]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [X]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [X]


Will Skills
  • Willpower/Determination:
  • Mental Deduction:
  • Pain Endurance:
  • Focus:


Comments/Notes:

A/N: Didn't see the Eternal Partner stuff the first time around. Will review that upon the re-check.

H'okay Kade. I'm gonna keep this as productive as I can, but know in advance that this is a doozy. There's a lot that has to change before this character can ever hope to actually RP, so I'm not gonna beat around the bush here.

To start, having a fuckton of titles is one thing, but the affiliations/ranks you have on your character don't exist. That space is for organizations or entities that PH actually has that your character might find themselves allied with. It isn't to rip off a bunch of syndicated TV crap to try and make your character seem like a badass or fulfill some kind of manchild power fantasy.

Secondly, I need literally every reference to Dragonball Z taken out of this application. No ifs, ands, or buts. If I re-check this and I see so much as a senzu bean I will deny it outright on principle. This copypasta ripping straight from the source stuff isn't gonna cut it. So, again. EVERY reference. Everything from titles and ranks to appearance, down through powers.

“Likes” and “Dislikes” need to be changed for this same reason. There is no Prince Vegeta here and he didn't murder Amon's family. Make up some random figure to have done it, or ask around to see if anyone would like their character to have been the one to do it, but don't just rip off characters from other sources, man.

Needless to say this applies to History as well. ALL the saiyan stuff needs to go.

Now.. to powers.

Chaotic Energy Origin

Discovering his power, Amon can produce a energy system almost the same to demon zoa koa but of an unlimited supply because of his dark birthright. Allowing the danava to generate, produce and even create deadly amounts of chaotic energies into his well being. Because of it from the raw energy that comes from it, Amon's physical abilities can become stronger perhaps even faster in his demon skills. Special Trait: Chaos energy can something more of a power booster allowing the danava to reach new levels of energy power. Allowing Amon to ascend to become something greater than he already was as a normal danava reaching a new plateau of power. By drawing on the chaos energy from the chaos magic the danava produce energies that can help both physically and mentally. 

Alright, so the first problem I have with this is that absolutely NO source of energy he could generate on his own would be unlimited. Not gonna happen. He already has access to za koa, so you want to give him “similar, but just doesn't run out?” Also not really an origin since to me this ENTIRE section can be covered as a couple of custom demon spells.

Secondly, you can't just say “this boosts him”. I need to know by how much of a factor, for how long, and how many times it can boost him in the areas that it can. I also need to know if he can have on multiple boosts at once, or if it needs to be in only one area at a time. These are details vital to powers having balance.

All in all, the way this is worded as far as what this energy actually is and what it actually does is incredibly vague and poorly worded. It helps him mentally as well? How? Is it like Prozac or Marijuana? Why even include that detail if you weren't going to elaborate?

Chaotic Energy Origin Abilities:

The enhanced strength and reflexes both need to be tuned down a lot. Basically what you're telling me is that he can not only get stronger than his opponents, but faster AND smarter too? This is seriously venturing into Gary Stu territory and needs to be corrected.

Devil Trigger:

This needs to be toned down, made like.. his ONLY form, or more preferably removed entirely. What I'm seeing is that this is a boost to ALL of his skills on TOP of the boosts he's already receiving. I expect literally this entire ability to be reworked since you can't have a form WITHIN your origin abilities anyway especially not one that's supposed to function like a normal form progression???

Full Demon Buster:

For BOTH of the sub-abilities of this I need some sort of idea of how strong they are in comparison to another kind of attack. Cero, a high-level kido, whatever, but I need to know how strong these are exactly. On top of that, I need to know how many times he can use these per post AND per thread.

Origins p. II

YOU NEED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN CRIMSON FLAME AND RED HELL LIGHTNING FOR THE SECOND ORIGIN. YOU CAN HAVE UP TO TWO BUT DANAVA CANNOT HAVE THREE ORIGINS. DID YOU EVEN READ THE RACIAL INFORMATION?

I will grade both of them but you have to PICK one you can't have all three.

Crimson Flame:

I read the Origin Power description three times and still don't know what the fuck this ability does. You need to get a lot more specific as far as the individual things he can do with it. On top of everything else he can do, he can control fire that honestly won't even hurt anyone strong enough to stand “in his way” or whatever. WITH that fire, he can hit targets and make defenses? Or hit defenses that are made of flames? That doesn't make sense. On top of this, you weren't even consistent with how hot the flames get. Origin power says 320 degrees, but abilities says up to 400 degrees?

Red Hell Lightning:

If he can generate lightning, I need to know the voltage. I also need to know if while he's channeling the energy if he will shock people that touch him. On top of that, I need more specifics on ALL of these origin abilities since none of them give me even a rough estimate of their strength.

I need to know how many times he can use Maverick Lightning per thread, and how many posts it lasts for.

I need to know how many enemies Overload Burst can chain through before it stops, how much weaker it gets for each opponent hit, how many times it can be used per thread, and how many times it can be used per post.

Hellshock Grenade's blast radius needs to be tuned WAY down. A mile is way too huge of a radius to just pass off casually like that. On top of this, I need to know how long it takes him to charge one and how many he can use per post/thread.


Atma Vatou Abilities:

I need your Getsuga Tensho ability to be specified as to how many times it can be used per post, per thread, and also how strong each individual blast is. On top of that, I need to know how strong the sub-abilities are, as well as if using them lessens the amount he can use the sword's abilities overall.

DE Powers:

(He can actually drink poisons???) 

Remove this.

On top of this, his semi-immortality has no specifics as to how fast or strong his regeneration is. Even with the pain it causes him, I need a limit on how much damage he can heal and how many times he can heal himself. On top of this, I need the bio-degeneration toned down to specify that he can resist toxins/poisons but not degrade ANY harmful thing that enters him. That's a bit too OP as far as how vague.

DE Barrier:

This also needs to be toned down. The complete negation of holy energy is not gonna happen since holy energy on site specifies how effective it is against demonic energy. On top of this, you don't at any point specify how strong the barrier is. It also needs to be said that there has to be a way to break the barrier for everyone. I need to know how much it would take to break the barrier for those above, at, and below his tier level. Those at his tier level would not only be able to weaken it by 80%. There has to be a way for them to break it. For those lower than him as well.

DE Breakdown:

I need to know how strong this acid is as far as what it can break down. Also, I need to know how many times this can be used per post/thread, as well as for how long the acid will burn once its made contact with something.

DE Merge Powers:

Same note as above. I need to know how strong the acid is, and how many times he can use it per post/thread, as well as if opponents can negate the burn, and how long the burn lasts for.

Berserk State Enhancements:

For “things of immense proportions” within the Dragonian Berserk Strength, I need to know an approximate maximum of how much he can lift. Otherwise, this is also worded very vaguely and I need to know the kind of durability we're looking at here since being able to block “some or many attacks” doesn't tell me a hell of a lot.

For the Berserk Speed, I need to know what his base speed could be compared to. Either in a MPH readout of some kind or comparable to a high speed movement technique.

Necro Hellfire Breakdown:

Once again, I need to know details about the acid he uses. Also, I need to know the strength of the fire and the blasts themselves if used in blasts, as well as the bombs. I need to know how many times the blasts and/or bombs can be used per thread/post.

Volcanic Power:

Need a note here that he can't dissolve Player Characters from head to toe without permission from the controller. Also, I need the molten rocks, underground lava explosions, and earthquakes removed since all of these are way too vague as just things he can say he can do at “some level” since it's not specified how or what he can do with any of these things.

Dragonoid Burn Strength:

At this point I think we need to cool it with the strength buffs. This is the third or fourth one that doesn't specify how much it boosts him and it doesn't even seem necessary since it says he has muscle problems from throwing “medium/large things”. There needs to be some sense of progression through the app that things start weak and will gradually get stronger but Amon is all over the place. Some abilities in his base form are stronger than his final form which makes no sense.

Dragon Pure Durability:

Aside from the fact that this ability repeats itself about five times without saying anything, I need to know how strong the armor is, how much damage it can take, etc. But this is also to the point where I'm shaking my head at seeing another durability buff because it seems all this guy can do is get stronger and harder to hit and then throw getsuga clones.

Demonic Burn Flying:

Need a note about whether or not the speed boost this gives him can be used in combat or not. If so, same note as above as far as why keep repeating the same thing over and over?

Dragonoid Claws:

These aren't going to be able to penetrate literally anything so I need the 45% note changed since its likely that stronger opponents could probably block him completely.

Telekinetic Mind Powers:

Aside from the title being redundant, this ability is too powerful. If he's gonna have telekinesis, it needs to not be able to affect other people's techniques/attacks. He could lift inanimate objects with this, but he cannot stop stuff like kido or “shikai/bankai” attacks. Even with the vulnerabilities this is still too overpowered. Also, I need the part about him being able to talk to people mentally removed as that is telepathy and not telekinesis. Beyond that, it is also OP since from your description he could do it to anyone without their consent and that my friend is Godmodding.

Magma HellBurner:

Any and all of the things that are mentioned in the description I need specifics on. You can't just list a bunch of random shit he can do with a power without giving any specifics as we do not trust you not to abuse that vagueness in a way that would cause you to have the upper hand in a combat situation. This entire description needs to be rewritten to either omit the random-ass abilities and just keep the ones under “Techniques”, or to specify the ENTIRETY of what he can do with this ability.

Hellzone Burner:

Again, need the blast radius toned down. A mile is too far. Also, need to know how strong it is and how many times it can be used per thread/post. Same as the others.

Hellzone Magma Killer:

Same note as above. Also, I need to know how long they can “track” the enemy for before they disappear, as the enemy will obviously have chances to dodge away.

Apocalypse Burnwave:

I need a comparison as to how strong this blast is. Gran Rey Cero strength? Oscuras strength? If it's strong enough to destroy “a small city”, I need a note that this can only be used one time per thread, and make it Event Only as well please.

Burning Devil Cannon:

Once again, need limits on strength and usage just like with the rest.

Magma Final Hell Buster:

I need actual details on this blast since from what I'm seeing its just ANOTHER energy wave attack. Is it stronger at all than his normal ones? If so, how much? And how much stronger is the “Super Magma Hell Buster”? Because you just mentioned that without giving any details about it at all.

Overall Kade this app isn't bad so much as it just feels kinda rushed. Take your time making corrections and make sure everything is balanced and fair. Once all these issues are taken care of, I'll sweep through the app again, pick out any more small details that need changing, and try and get you an approval.

Tier: N/A


I envy because of the heart.
I glutton because of the heart.
I covet because of the heart.
I am prideful because of the heart.
I sloth because of the heart.
I rage because of the heart.
Because of the heart...
I lust for everything about you.


------------------------------------
We Are Legion
Character Permissions
Communication Thread
Character Substitutions

The author of this message was banned from the forum - See the message

Pockeh
Pockeh
Metal as Fuck
Joined : 2010-12-11
Posts : 3387
Age : 29
Location : Where all sinners congregate

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue44400/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (44400/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Tue Jul 12, 2016 10:14 am
Zanpakutō/Katana Trained Specialist: He was actually born with the knowledge of using any kind of sword weapons handling them in battle. Zenon gained knowledge of shinigami and basic/mastered skills of how shinigami used their zanpakutos. Passing the ten trials, his overall skill has been shown to be a same as a shinigami's captain of perhaps maybe a vizard's skills. Zenon is master swordsmen but still looking to an be an expert at this ability. Still a stronger person can defeat him at battle which can be really troublesome. Zenon learned many techniques of a swordsmen which can be used in a fight which can be useful using any katana/sword during a fight. He's right handed fighter when using blade

Change this to swordsmanship. He can be skilled with blades, but not with shinigami Zanpakutō as he is a demon. Once this is changed, I believe the app will be ready for approval.


I envy because of the heart.
I glutton because of the heart.
I covet because of the heart.
I am prideful because of the heart.
I sloth because of the heart.
I rage because of the heart.
Because of the heart...
I lust for everything about you.


------------------------------------
We Are Legion
Character Permissions
Communication Thread
Character Substitutions

The author of this message was banned from the forum - See the message

Pockeh
Pockeh
Metal as Fuck
Joined : 2010-12-11
Posts : 3387
Age : 29
Location : Where all sinners congregate

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue44400/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (44400/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:39 am
Application Checklist
  • Name [-]
  • Appropriate Age [-]
  • Gender [-]
  • Appearance Present [-]
  • Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [-]
  • Appearance is Not Claimed [-]
  • 10 sentences for personality [-]
  • History is of appropriate length [-]
  • Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [-]
  • Powers are described reasonably enough [-]
  • Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [-]
  • Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[-]
  • RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [-]
  • RP Sample is 10 sentences [-]


Will Skills
  • Willpower/Determination: Adept
  • Mental Deduction: Adept
  • Pain Endurance: Advanced
  • Focus: Adept


Comments/Notes: Thank you for the cooperation, Kade. Approved.

Tier: 3-2--


I envy because of the heart.
I glutton because of the heart.
I covet because of the heart.
I am prideful because of the heart.
I sloth because of the heart.
I rage because of the heart.
Because of the heart...
I lust for everything about you.


------------------------------------
We Are Legion
Character Permissions
Communication Thread
Character Substitutions
Henrex
Henrex
Tor'uk
Joined : 2016-01-20
Posts : 5100
Age : 24

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue419100/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (419100/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:37 pm
Henrex wrote:[mod]Moving to inactive. Post in the link provided below to have these moved back to the right section.

https://www.platinumhearts.net/t9712-the-staff-request-thread-for-moves-archives-locking-or-whatever-else-you-need-staff-for[/mod]
darkfunnel
darkfunnel
Veteran Member
Joined : 2016-01-31
Posts : 2396
Age : 26
Location : Uhmm... not sure...

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue128100/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (128100/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Sun Jan 15, 2017 8:13 pm
[mod]Moving back to active due to a little misunderstanding.[/mod]
Henrex
Henrex
Tor'uk
Joined : 2016-01-20
Posts : 5100
Age : 24

Member Info
Platinum Points:
Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Left_bar_bleue419100/999999Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty_bar_bleue  (419100/999999)
Tiers:

Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

Fri Apr 14, 2017 9:51 pm
[adm]Moving to archives due to member being banned.[/adm]
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Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--] Empty Re: Amon Asthavon [Approved; 3-2--]

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