That Sinking Feeling [Liltotto, _____]

…

She didn’t remember falling asleep. Must have happened somewhere between the burning red and the darkness… Yeah, that sounds right.

Was that right? She had been staring at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity, fixated on the dark wood’s curves and grooves. Awareness had been possible for a good while, she couldn’t have been asleep. Shapes moved to morph the dim light that flooded the room, tiny particles floating in her field of vision, the true forms of them too small for the eye to make out. A cold darkness pressed on her body, yet felt as if she was floating, free and unrestrained.

She almost forgot what she was originally doing. Nothing seemed to matter or feel relevant to come to mind, there was simply the want to sleep, her eyes feeling heavier as the moments beckoned her…

This place felt familiar.

That open-ended statement stopped her mind’s drifting, it gave purpose. It felt really familiar… Like…

Home?

As she sat up, it felt like everything crashed down on her, as if her moving had given way to the final pillar preventing a mountain’s fall. Everything mattered again. She could hardly breathe, her lungs freezing with every sharp breath. Grimacing with pain, she’d dash her emotions to force herself to observe her situation. Practically ancient furnishings, overall appearing like a normal old wooden house, one could rise a sense of comfort from the homely appearance, if they weren't too torn up by the lack of clear light spilling in to color them with warmth.

She wasn’t back in the City of Lights, she wasn’t even back home at the apartment, she.. Couldn’t tell where she was. Her surroundings were that of an old cabin, muted of color by a strange darkness, one she had to look out the window to truly grasp.

Water, water and sand. For miles and miles, a barren sea shelf overlooking a drop into pure darkness, as if one had reached the end of the world and was but a single mistake from falling into the unforgiving abyss. Her only company was the dark shapes that swam about the desolate scene, like the ghosts of life that once was.

“Okay,” Her heart sank, body slowly coming forth to lean heavy on the window, bubbles escaping her lips as she spoke to herself, “It’s just another weird shit, kinda lucid dream. You’ll wake up and it’ll be fine, don’t let this dumb hogshit your dumb brain does get to you…”

A firm grasp for control in this situation, she tried to distract herself with getting her bearings, as sitting around and pretending it was all a dream wasn’t doing shit for the crap bubbling up on her. She paced the place, until she went to open the door, as if that’d change the scene she saw in the windows. It was nothing but a hopeless plain of dark blues sinking into a black beyond black, the appearance of the churning void almost seeming to mock her.

“Amazing, a stupid cabin I don’t know anything about, and nothing else. Just great. Awesome.”

The silence did nothing to soothe her, there was only so much here she could distract herself with until she was sitting for what felt like an hour.

She wasn’t gonna let it win.. No matter how that fight went, that monster that she couldn’t even dent, that could throw her away with such ease. Were all of those months of pushing herself to learn the arts not enough? Would they ever be enough? Was she just delusional, thinking if she taught herself some new tricks everything would be okay? That some giant bastard wouldn’t come in and take everything-

“Rrgh!” A sharp groan cracked the tinny sound of the underwater.

Panting, she felt shocked out of that spiral of thought. Her thumb was buried in her mouth, sharp teeth coming down to give herself a firm bite. Her fingers trembled as she pulled her hand away.. It felt like an actual bite.

Now she really didn’t know what was going on. And that just made the winding in her grow tighter. Her hands sunk to lie limp at her sides, the crushing weight of futility raining on her…

This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. She was finally getting comfortable in lying her roots down, she didn’t want to run away again. But what could she do when everything she cared about was on the line? She didn’t have anything remarkable to her, she never shot high or mighty, she was just Liltotto Lamperd, village monster, soldier, outcast, that graduate student that never seemed to stop studying, outcast…

She didn’t have power like the only other that shared her supposed origin, at least allegedly. Maybe that was a mistake, or a lie, maybe she wasn’t anything that mattered, that could turn this situation around…

Teeth clamped on her index and middle finger this time. Stupid, that was stupid, this was all stupid! Why would she even want to be like that bastard? So that she didn’t have to feel this way?! Was she really so willing to throw away her humanity just so she didn’t have to lose everything all over again?!

She bit herself harder, squeezing her eyes shut, stewing in her emotions.

“I bet he was just as clueless as me,” She spat out, “All that power and big talk but not a fucking idea, what the hell am I thinking…? It’s not like he’d have a how-to guide on this shit or anything, if he even felt like giving that sorta thing up. For all I know his bigshit sacrifice was just feeding his stupid pride!"

She kept summoning up whatever anger she could, but she also couldn’t help but wish she could talk to him, a hand slamming into the wood, which only let a reserved thud ring out.

“..It’s not even like I can ask him anything. He’s triple-dead, there isn’t anything I can do about it. Unless another one that had more of a clue than I do just showed up… I’m alone on this.”

Sliding down from her position by the window, her paled tones sinking to the floor.

“... Yeah. I really screwed up not asking you when I had the chance, huh Mazda? Would have to put up with the dickhead talk, but it’s better than the squat I have right now. Must be yucking it up at my expense for that, huh?"

Momentary silence, a soft groan clawing into the amorphous water.

"Who am I kidding, you’re fucking dead, i’m probably not awake, it’s not like you could even hear me if I wanted to.”

Some part of her wished terribly that he could hear.

[note: pretty much an inner world situation]

"To speak in such a manner about your own flesh and blood, who gave up everything for the sake of the world... You truly have fallen into no small despair, hm?"

Such a voice was unmistakeable to anyone who had ever heard it. Though the deep baritone was much the same as that of the Vandenreich's Grandmaster, the tone, the attitude, was infinitely more self-aggrandizing. It was a voice lost from this world, from time itself in many ways-

The Wise Lord, Ahura Mazda.

"Speak your ills then, Liltotto. Ask what it is you wish to ask me, for you are among the only ones left who could make such a request. And I, as your kin, shall answer freely and unrestrained by the secrets of the realms."

All of his typical pride was undoubtedly still present in that voice. After all, he was the Tongue of the Soul King, and his words were those which could create all things. But that pride was more measured, more restrained in the moment, for Mazda was speaking with one of the only creatures in all existence that he would consider an equal.

Face buried in her knees, the voice alone wasn't enough to prompt her to lift her head. She had plenty of stupid random shit pop up in her dreams or, whatever you could call this. What really prompted her to bother lifting her head was the sensation and scent of another presence, separate from her, but still connected; even in this state she seemed to still be able to rely on her senses. Hair idly shifting and floating in the stagnant deep water, her dull gaze slowly rose to look up at that familiar figure, visibly yet subtly taken aback by his presence before settling into a quiet stare.

Well, either she was entertaining an extremely convincing, stress-induced delusion, or she was talking to the real thing; there wasn't much to lose here.

"I don't understand what I am, and there's not a single thing left on earth that's able to tell me," She'd begin, her tone worn, perhaps even a bit distressed, but definitely on the depressive side, "What is the Soul King? What does being a part of that mean? And if I really am a part of that, then why am I such a nothing compared to you?"

Her expression grew a pained look, as she couldn't help but be honest here - emotions were high for her as the shadows in the room appeared to darken in response, "Horrible shit keeps happening and...I don't want to sit by as my life's destroyed all over again. I don't know what to do, I couldn't even put a dent in that hollow, much less would I have a chance against the bastard who wrecked the city."

"The Soul King was undoubtedly the strongest being to have come into this world. A god, or perhaps something else entirely. To be a part of him means just that; that you carry within you a piece of that power. But what is power? And, for that matter, what parts of ourselves bring power? I, the tongue of the Soul King, speak on his behalf. All his language is mine. But what strength lies within the stomach of a man? And, by extension, what strength ought be expected of the stomach of a god? However–"

The voice of the departed Sun rang through the dreamscape in a chiding, almost father-like manner, only marginally less prideful than was typical of him. Of course, such a subtle change was nothing short of magnanimity from one such as he. She ought to be thankful that he considered her an equal in all respects that mattered.

“What am I, Liltotto, but power brought into the world? Divine authority pressed upon a mortal form that could not contain it, which proved so burdensome that he in the end had no choice but to remove me. That is where you and I differ. I am divinity, above man and forever distant from them, no matter how dearly I may love them and how deeply I have given away everything for their sake. You, however, have been born one of them.”

He walked closer to the one who could only be called his sister, and sat next to her on the floor, a profoundly human gesture which he was all too transparently unused to. It was not in his nature to lower himself for anyone.

“‘Nothing?’ How deeply shortsighted, to view it in such a manner. Yes, you are less than I in your power. You will always be, having been incarnated as you were. But such an existence is still one with far higher limits than any typical life could hope to see. Chase them. Know the struggle and the agony of mortality, and know that your limits are what allow you to have those bonds which merit protecting. Live among them, as I could not.”

There was grief in those final words, a grief which Mazda did not deign to hide. Or, perhaps, one which ran so deeply that not even a god could hide it.

Even within her state of growing ennui, it was clear her attentiveness hadn't waned. Exhaustion even took it's toll on this mental form, but there was still a will to figure something out, to get answers from the only one she could, regardless of her subjective feelings. Though her darkened eyes were barely visible between her paled knees and near colorless messy locks listlessly drifting in the still sea water, there was a sense of levity in those pools of despair; was he trying to be comforting, or was she imagining it in some unconscious, aimless grasp for some kind of warmth?

That explanation of his coming of being was a lot more illuminating than any she might have received before, if anything it sounded like a big, distressing mess. The imagining of it, though she figured he definitely wouldn't have been too torn up about it himself given what he was, yanked at some sympathetic strings in her to such an extent it provoked a deep, emotional sigh of contemplation from her. She tried to shake off the thought that made her eyes burn - why did it?

She saw his feet walk closer to her, and soon his greater presence was next to her - not that she had bothered to either move or indicate such a move was unwelcome; he himself didn't seem familiar with doing so himself, she wasn't going to go out of her way to make it any more grating, especially when she was the one who wanted to talk to him. Still, she felt so small next to him, her head only prompting to lift as she listened to him speak in defiance of her self determination as 'nothing'. Her fingers curled, balling tightly against her legs in listening to his tone, her lips finally parting with a mustered will to speak,

"..I've done all of this before," Her gaze had lowered from him, "I'm over a thousand years old Mazda, and I spent a good portion of that hoping i'd be dead. That stupid invasion, the genocide, I couldn't do anything. All I could do was watch as anything I ever fucking knew died right in front of me, I was the only one left, and all I had was 'what if's and 'I could have done's. That arrogant bastard held me under his thumb as if I was some necessary asset, but what good was I? I couldn't even form a bow back then, let alone do anything once we were in the Seireitei..."

Her voice edged closer and closer to sobbing, but she pressed it down, she pressed everything down with all she could... But that didn't quiet the ghostly wails of the lost that formed outside, vaguely humanoid shapes of darkness and flame-like wisps forming a taunting dance just outside the windows, glowering and weeping at their scapegoat hidden within the only place of marginal safety that overlooked the perilous drop. What had been merely minor intrusions prior had become bothersome.

"How am I supposed to live a normal life after any of that? How can I when what I have now just seems even more fragile than before?" Her chest hurt and twisted, like a massive hole had been gored into her - whatever feeling she tried hard to drown out felt like it was trying to claw it's way out of her, breathing becoming labored, those wisps growing in intensity and cruel light, shadows of torment projecting upon the dark wooden floor as her hands covered her face, "What's the point of being among them if I can't do anything to save them? How can I live with... Why was I even born like thi-s..."

Her words broke with a crack, silence befalling her parted lips.
She could hardly breathe, her body trembling with indescribable pain. It was like she was being strangled, her hands making an aimless move to touch at the nothing holding her throat.

The shapes had ceased their purposeless, agonized movements. They stood side by side at the window to partake the spectacle inside, baneful eyes looking upon nothing more than a monster that dared to wear human skin. It was as if she was being crushed by an incredible weight, her simple attempt to reach to the only other who didn't gaze upon her hatefully ending in her falling onto her side, that worthless hand sprawled in Mazda's direction as her pitiful gaze looked helplessly at him.

This sensation was familiar to her. She'd experienced this sort of situation many, many times here. It usually passed after some time, because what else was she supposed to do? She was alone, there wasn't anyone for her to reach to, all she could do was wait for the pain to pass. No matter how many times, the pain was all the same within this realm of helplessness.

But she wasn't alone this time. And thus, as if by some yearning instinct, her lips weakly uttered to the other presence, "...Help."

She didn't know what to do, but ask.

"If you have done it all before, then stop doing 'it.'"

Such chiding, absolute words from a being that had seen reality in a manner simply removed from man's troubles. But he did not say things callously, without care for Liltotto's well-being; rather, he spoke from the perspective of one who knew all too well what her existence was like, more than any other.

"A normal life? You will never live one. You never would have, no matter the circumstances of your upbringing. That is not what you should aspire to, Liltotto. You carry in you the spark of the divine, the most powerful being to have ever walked the realms. Divine lineage, divine power, is your birthright."

Mazda's gaze was soft as he looked to the woman he saw as a younger sister, the harsh rays of the sun having given way to a gentle glow. He offered a hand of support to her as she had sprawled out, taking her hand in his.

"I will naturally help you. Does the body not assist itself?"

...
"... Cool.."
A weak response would follow that extended hand, her own digits wrapping around his palm, the only source of warmth in this cold darkness.

Gently held as she fought against suffocation and the weight of the dark sea's toll on her body, in conflict with the very space formed from her mind and soul. Those words, the feeling of another near her, were enough to gradually pull herself back onto some ground, instead of her consciousness aimlessly floating about with no concept of direction or meaning.

But after several heaving breaths spent in that collapse, the strength was found to push herself up - at least to her knees. The pain didn't simply evaporate of course, it just felt less burdensome to shoulder within such precious time. Those hateful gazes of long past memories still burned into her; borne of ostracization and that oppressive mire of guilt. And the man before her's words...

"..Would've slapped you.. if I h-heard a no after all that bullshit you just spat at me," It was a sentiment spoken somewhere between genuine frustration and friendly jest, her voice chilly and unsecure in it's strength, "First you.. tell me how great I have it being what I a-am... Then you turn around and s-say I can't have any normalcy because of what I am..? I know I was sayin' some dumb shit myself a bit ago... But..."

Pant, after pant, after pant... It sounded rather difficult for her to breathe. Yet, her lips parted,

"...Maybe I can settle for a little normalcy. At least a portion. Maybe... I can't live totally normal, but it's not like.. i'm barred from it. I've lived it to some extent or another already... What I don't know shit about is the 'divine power birthright' stuff..."

Though it sounded like a struggle still so, her breathing seemed to come to some calm, hardly audible above her voice,

"..Maybe I should learn both.. and figure some middle to them.. It doesn't gotta be all or nothing, especially... Since I wanna protect who and what makes me feel normal. So help me with that."

"You hardly seem to consider 'normalcy' particularly appealing. A life where you are any typical human, unable to change the course of the world and protect those who must be protected. It is not 'normal' to do such things."

There was still no condescension in the voice of the sun, though Mazda continued to carry himself as though what he was saying was obvious, simply the natural course of things. For him, there was no other way to think of the matter. Besides, what good would it do now to be forceful, when she was already so transparently fragile?

"There is nothing on that matter that I can teach you. What can the tongue teach to the stomach, any more than the hand might teach to the eye? I speak, and the language of the Soul King is spoken. You, the stomach, cannot do as I do. Attempting to become like me, when you instead have your own heights, is folly."

As Mazda spoke, she finally managed to right herself into a stable position, though her breathing was irregular, tension ever present. Regardless of anything felt, her hand still grasped his own, eyes worn and half open. Her free hand was clenched so tightly, nails digging into her palm, as if to keep her in this moment. She’d will herself to speak once again,

“Wanting… To be able to protect people is plenty normal,” Labored words forced themselves from her lips, “If anything... That’s natural of humans… The Quincy didn’t come about training themselves… T-to get rid of Hollows for fun.”

Head lifting, she’d look directly at him with what she was to say next, “..But when I say ‘normal’... I also mean… Being able to live, instead of survive. Having friends. Learning new things... Eating nice food… Having a home… Being in love…”

That awful sense of guilt rose back up in her chest to drag her down, “..I just keep having this fear… That one day i’d wake up, and become that monster everyone used to see me as… That i’d stop caring… And all i’d have left is that insatiable desire to fill an empty void that can’t be filled.”

There was that sound… No, it wasn’t a sound; it wasn’t something she heard per se, it was something harder to describe… The word she settled on was ‘feeling’. That ‘feeling’ she occasionally had here, the ‘feeling’ she pushed away, as it was calling her to the place she least wanted to venture; off the cliff into the maw of darkness below. Still, it’s calls reached the cabin, the windows shuddering in it’s desperation.

Frustration overwhelmed that sense of guilt once again, her chest burning as her lip curled,

“..Yeah, you’re right; I can’t be like you,” Her weary gaze lifted to the window, past the shadows cast, to the abyss, “I dunno what my heights are, or how to get there, but i’m willing to take a risk and do something i’ve been afraid of.”

Slowly releasing his hand, she’d push her aching body to a stand, meeting hateful gazes as she’d walk to the door, almost stumbling. Her hand was trembling on the doorknob.

“..I feel like i’m asking a lot here, but could you come with me? Even if just the edge.”

She could shove her feelings back down and do it completely alone, she had survived plenty of things by herself. But ignoring what she really wanted here didn’t feel right, even if her only company present didn’t get why she’d want it, or would even turn it down. At least she put it out there.

"It is normal to want that. It is abnormal to truly become capable of it."

Even so, Liltotto's ideas of what else qualified rang true to Mazda, in some degree or another. Friends, love, matters he had lost in this new form. Did he miss them? Yes, dearly. He had grieved, after all, when forced to leave the living realm behind.

"If that is what you desire, however, then it is only right that you seek it out. Pursue what you will, Liltotto, and I will support you in my entirety. It is good and just, after all, for a brother to support his sister's dreams."

Mazda followed Liltotto without any hesitation, his radiance present even now in this desolate place. After all, he was a creature without fear, without doubts.

"All that I would ask, in exchange, is that you would deliver a message should you cross paths with my dear Moon and Stars. Nothing overlong; simply that I love her."

There was much to such a message, in the mind of Ahura Mazda. A long message meant little to one such as his beloved, who saw the world in a far different light than he. But, ut was meant to assuage Liltotto's own doubts, as well, a way to convey to her that he understood perfectly well what she desired. That he wished for her to live that life of earnest happiness, which he never might have led.