Discord and Disonance (Yuzuru/Hiroe)

A lot of people were not too happy with Yuzuru at the moment, but for the most part he didn't really care about what they were complaining about or what they were mad about in regard to what he was doing. No, at this moment he was merely just doing what he did, and very little else. He had isolated himself further and had focused almost squarely on his studies, pissing off his family who were all too happy to remind him of their arrangement, and were all too surprised to be ignored. Music didn't matter at this moment, no, the only thing that mattered to him was seeing his dream of being a shinigami like his brother come to fruition. He had hung out less and less at his normal spots, choosing to avoid them out of necessity of seeing her again. Of seeing the person that he had wronged.

Best efforts to forget about the event had failed and for the last week the only time he got even a moniker of peace was when he was studying or practicing to improve his shinigami skills. Teachers tried to interact with him, but they became white noise. Some of his classmates tried to interact with him, he burrowed himself into a book about kido. It was better this way, he thought, after all he didn't want to embarrass people or make them feel awkward. He instead wanted to be the best Yuzuru Satoshi he could be and that best version of him was an isolated man who kept to himself and got better at what he wanted to be better at. Sure, money was getting tighter, and rent was getting closer to being due, but Yuzuru was content with his role in life.

Even if that role placed him at odds with his family or his comrades, he was fine just focusing on school, and little else. He would still attend the music classes his family had demanded of him, but they were hardly his focus after all to not do so would mean they would probably put him back in his cage. And that would be far worse case than being exiled from the academy or being a socially inept idiot. That would mean no more dreams or ambitions. Just be what his family wanted him to be, a robot who played music to strengthen the Satoshi name. He shivered at the thought of what they would make him do if he failed to meet their standards, but those were thoughts for another time. Right now he needed to focus on his own self-training.

Standing alone in the fields outside of the school, Yuzuru began to state incantations of kido that he had been studying while also practicing the hand gestures that were apparently helpful, but looked ridiculous. A small puff of flame shot out from his open palm and sputtered out into nothing before making contact with a makeshift dummy he had constructed from rocks.

"Dammit..."

He muttered under his breath, rubbing his temples, and shrugging his shoulders a bit. Nothing was working when it came to Kido, not a damn incantation, not a single hand gesture, and definitely no amount of effort was working. It was like he was at odds with himself. Sure, he hadn't been sleeping much, and sure his hectic schedule was wearing him thin, but he had to succeed. He sat down and in a fit of anger, not something that he usually felt, he flung his copy of the kido textbook against a nearby tree.

Yesterday had been an awkward one for Hiroe. It was fairly uneventful outside of her typical academy fare. The studies, the training, practice and repetition; A routine day, filled with routine habits. Nothing too remarkable. The fledgling Shinigami was hardly bothered by that. What really threw her off was, well.. her attempt to assist Yuzuru. She really wanted to drag him out of that low-confidence space, show him he could be just as cool as anyone else here in the academy. Truth be told, she thought her tactic of forcing him to look at her and keep eye contact was a sound one, in principle at least. Men and women liked confidence in a person, didn't they?

Eye contact, standing with a firm and determined posture, speaking with flare and charisma. That was how Hiroe ended up with her own group of friends. She wasn't a popular noble, but she managed well. So why did she feel... guilty? He was the one that swooped in to kiss her. There wasn't anything wrong with what she'd did by trying to instill confidence and he did a good job. Maybe, just too... Ah whatever, she hated this!

She could hardly think as she walked through the courtyard as she looked for a place to train. Then, her ears picked up a familiar voice, listening to the incantations. Each of them seemingly voiced with frustration. Striding towards the noise, she saw him there, and the guilt came back. Poor guy... wait, no. Agh! Hiroe sighed softly as he threw the book at the tree, quietly walking out to pick it up as she gazed at him. God, this felt really awkward... almost too awkward.


"H-Hey..."

He continued to rub his temples as the frustration and negative emotions washed over him. Why could he make no headway? Why was he struggling with something as basic as this? If he couldn't figure out what was wrong with him he would never become a shinigami, he would never be able to make his brother proud, or be free from his family's obligations.

"Ung...alright you can do this."

Yuzuru slapped himself on the side of the face to get himself to focus as he stood up to his full height and turned to go retrieve his book only to spot a familiar face already going to retrieve it for him. There was a moment of confusion that seemed to hang uncomfortably long as Yuzuru was understandably confused as to why Hiroe was there. Hadn't he made her feel uncomfortable yesterday? He had overstepped his bounds and pushed her away, at least that is what he thought, but now here she was greeting him. Awkwardly greeting him, but greeting him none the less.

With bags under his eyes and lack of sleep making him quick to anger and frustrate, Yuzuru looked away from her to the non-scuffed up target dummy that had been the focus of his ire only moments ago.

"Hello...Ms. Miyashiro."

He said his greetings, but didn't say her first name. First name conversations were reserved for friends and in many ways he didn't view himself as her friend. She deserved better than someone like him who had clearly tried to do something that she had been against. He had messed up and he deserved to pay the price.

Woah, that reply felt cold. Distant even. Hiroe was genuinely shocked, really. She didn't expect the brightest reply, considering his confidence might have plummeted to the depths of the earth, but neither did she expect Yuzuru to reply so indifferently. Miss Miyashiro? What could she say? She was aware that it wasn't entirely her fault, but still, seeing him this way... it tore at her heartstrings. Hiroe didn't know if she had strong feelings at the moment for anyone, but Yuzuru was a genuinely appealing friend. He was fun to tease and challenge, and he seemed quite understanding whenever she spoke at length about her own issues. Sighing softly, she gazed at him afraid to approach him, afraid to speak until she decided to say something.

"I'm... sorry."

She didn't feel that she had did anything wrong, so why was she apologizing? He leaned in to kiss her, that much was true. Even so, perhaps he was merely trying to see how confident he could really be? No, wait... that wasn't. Agh... this was giving her a headache.

"What are you apologizing for? I am the one in the wrong...I made you feel awkward, but when I..."

His words caught in his throat as he took a step back from her, seeing that he had caused her this level of distress, and that he was even making her apologize? It did something to him, it hurt him more than she probably could realize, and he looked down at himself. His robes disheveled and his face probably looking no better, he probably looked something horrible. He let out a sigh, he hung his head a bit more in shame, and rubbed his temples with his left hand as he tried to articulate some kind of thought. To try and fix this, but at the moment he was drawing a blank. Something was telling him to try and convey his emotions as best he could, to try, and mend bridges instead of burning them down, but he felt like crap.

He had wronged her, made an untoward advance, and now he deserved to pay the price, but something just kept nagging him to just move forward and tell her how he felt. Explain his actions and be the man that would eventually be worthy of some level of trust and friendship again. So he took a deep breath and focused, he furrowed his brow, and to those unaware of who he was as a person he would appear very intense in that moment. Finally, after about a minute of awkward silence, Yuzuru looked up at Hiroe, and began to speak his mind.

"You know, I've never been around anyone as beautiful as you. Being so close to someone who is far above me, who shows actual interest in me, and cares about what happens to me was...well it was extraordinary to say the least. I was overwhelmed by a feeling that I have never felt for anyone in my life..."

He struggled to speak, even chuckling a bit, as he felt something continue to try, and push him a bit. To be as honest as he had ever been, to be as forthcoming as he had ever been, and take some level of pride in the fact that what he was saying was coming from the heart.

"And then when I leaned in and you tapped me on the shoulder...I panicked. I...felt like I had done something unforgivable to you. I don't have any friends, I don't have any social skills, and I am somebody who doesn't understand the emotional impulses at times that seemingly come in waves when I'm around you. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to make you upset, and I sure as hell don't want to be the reason you are ever uncomfortable."

He let out a sigh, his eyes drooping to the ground, and his hands going to work on trying to readjust his robe. Trying in some vain attempt to make himself appear professional and more in line with who he thought she thought he was before.

"Yet I did that...I did that to my only friend...to someone that I have impulses that I don't understand for. And it hurt me...more than probably you know or even I care to admit. So, I tried to distance myself, and focus on my training. But it seems I even failed at that."

Yuzuru said as he gestured to the textbook that Hiroe was holding.

"I don't know...maybe I'm not cut out to be a shinigami or a friend. Maybe I would be better off going home."

He said with finality, laying things as bare as he could, and as respectfully as he could. He usually kept himself guarded and isolated, but this time he felt assuredly good. It was like lifting a huge weight off his shoulder and putting himself at ease, he didn't mind if she pushed him away right now, and told him to never address her again. Because he had spoken his mind, he had been honest, and now he didn't know how she would react. Why did this whole "relationship" thing have to be so hard?

A shade of red was slightly visible in her pale cheeks, golden eyes utterly shocked by these feelings he chose to express. On one hand, she was genuinely proud of him for being honest and choosing to face it head on. On another, she was thrown for a loop. Was he falling in love with her? Impulses was a pretty fierce term. There was a crush, and then there was actually falling in love with someone. Yuzuru, being the man that he was, Hiroe could not tell for certain where those passions lied. She couldn't particularly be blamed if she viewed it as a crush. Hiroe had a few of those in passing.

Light little attractions but that's all they ever were. That was common. Impulses implied so much more. Hiroe gazed down at the book and then back at the man. She felt terrible. If she had even had an inkling of his feelings, she wouldn't have forced him to stare at her. Hiroe didn't understand males anymore than they did her. However, she couldn't let him fall any deeper. He seemed to be in a hole, and for him to escape from it, Hiroe would have to do something to reassure him that he hadn't done anything particularly wrong.

She would set the book down beside him, offering her arms towards him, warmly smiling in his general direction. It was a lot to take in, and she'd probably address it in a minute, but now, she would offer him a hug.

"C'mere, big guy."

For the most part, Yuzuru had no idea what love really was. Sure from time to time he would play music on the subject matter and that music was beautiful to listen to. But deep down inside, Yuzuru had no idea how that felt, and in a lot of ways that weird feeling that he had been feeling for a while when around Hiroe kind of reminded him of the music he played. She at times made him feel more nervous and in certain ways made him want to act completely outside of his comfort zone. While many would view that as a bad thing, he didn't really mind acting outside of his comfort zone if it meant he could spend more time with her. Was that what love was? He was unsure and maybe in a lot of ways she was unsure of him as well.

When she spoke to him warmly, he felt that impulse again, and looked at her with a warm smile on his face. Still, he didn't want to push her away again, and he wanted to understand what he was feeling more than anyone else. So he did what anyone would do in this situation and pushed those impulses aside, hugging her as gently, and firmly as he possibly could. There was a tremendous size difference and she felt so small to him, so he was careful in making sure to apply just the right amount of strength in this hug. Not that he had ever experienced the type of hug he was trying to hand out to her right now. His parents had never really done much coddling or loving, they had always been cold, and indifferent to his needs as a child, only really giving him attention when he had accomplished a task of some import to them.

"I'm so sorry, I won't ever do anything to make you feel uncomfortable again. Please don't leave me."

Trauma spilled out like a weird fountain. He shook as he remembered all the times he failed, all the times his parents had locked him up, and told him to do better or he would be discarded. He was an instrument to his parents, nothing more nothing less, and the only person that was precious to him in this whole world was taken from him at such an early age. His brother was dead and since then he had no one to rely on, no one to talk to, and no one to direct any of his adoration toward. But now he had someone else precious to him and he didn't want to ever hurt her or make her feel awkward again. He would do everything in his power to make that a reality, no matter the cost.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."

He kept muttering as he shook and held her in his arms.

Hiroe heaved a breathe of exhalation, warmly embrace Yuzuru. To be sure, it was an act of compassion. She wholly embraced the idea that Yuzuru wasn't familiar with any of this. His feelings, his impulses, his general frame of mind. To come from his background, Hiroe was honestly surprised he wasn't a runaway. She couldn't bear to live under such a suffocating household as was the one he was raised in. His parents were despicable. They made him like this, made it difficult for him to even understand what affection felt like.

If she could physically curse anyone, it would certainly be them. She held him tightly, patting his back, listening to him beg and plead with her not to leave him. Normally, she would've told someone in this position to get a hold of himself. Here, she allowed him to release these emotions, spill his emotions out, and reach some of closure on these deep-seated emotions. Reassuring him further, she'd sigh again, patting his back as if tending to a tearful child.

"Sheesh, Yuzuru... you could've expressed that before you ran away. I felt nervous. I didn't know how to react. It came out of nowhere, but I wasn't uncomfortable to a point where I'd leave you behind or anything. You followed your impulse - whatever your heart told you at that moment - and while I was caught off guard, that in and of itself took courage. Speaking to me like this takes courage. I'm not gonna leave you, okay? You'll always be important to me, so please... cheer up. Don't lose sight of your dreams. Don't lose sight of making your brother proud even if he isn't here to watch your progress. I believe in you, Yuzuru..."

Not having anyone had hurt for so long, not just in a romantic sense, but in a sense of having no one to relate to had made him close himself off. It had made him appear to be standoffish and unapproachable, his physical appearance had not lent itself well to this, but his lack of social graces had played a big part in it as well. Now holding the only person he felt any sort of connection with in his arms, he didn't really know how to respond to this well of emotion that was springing from him, and he didn't really know what he was feeling at this moment. Still, hearing Hiroe tell him that she would never leave him and ask him to try to push toward his dreams, he knew it was a good feeling. He cried a bit, but not too much as he got the reassurance he had desperately needed for years, but it didn't feel right that she seemed to be treating him as some big child.

The downside of showing this level of vulnerability was he doubted that she saw him as anything, but a big blathering man child at this point, but he wanted her to see the real him. Flaws and all. What she did with that information or how she reacted to it was her business, but at this point the level of reassurance he got from her was a welcome change from the negative assurance he got from his parents. Still, something inside of him told him to be strong at this point, to try, and show Hiroe that he was more than just a child in need of a pat on the back. He didn't know what to do, but he was happy to just be hugging her, and to hear her words at this point.

"I don't know what my feelings for you are, Hiroe. We should probably stop hugging now..."

Yuzuru finally said, as he tried to let her go in an attempt to not embarrass himself further. Truth be told, his face was a deep shade of crimson, and it wasn't just because of he felt so awkward right now, but more so that he had just hugged the girl who was the center of his affection. Still, that raised the question of if he loved her or not. He didn't know to be honest, but he supposed the best way to find that out would be together as opposed to separately.

"So, what do we do now? You know how I feel about you. You are special to me in ways that I have never known anyone to be special to me...I need to come to terms and understand what this all means. I don't know how to describe it. Its almost impossible to do so."

Yuzuru rubbed the back of his head, his own emotions confusing him, but none the less he felt happy that they were out in the open. Still, he wondered how she felt about him, and that caused a level of anxiety. Sure she had hugged him and told him that she would never leave him, but what exactly was that? It sucked not being socially skilled like her and he internally cursed his family for not preparing him for this, but he needed to figure things out. He needed to know. Still, it was her choice to choose who she loved, and who she was friends with. It was not his place to lock her in a cage because if he did that he would be no better than his family and that made him pretty sick to his stomach.

Hiroe nodded her head as she slowly pulled away from him. That was understandable. She didn't particularly disagree with him. If he was talking about impulses - which in and of itself was kind of odd - perhaps it was better to lower the level of affection here. Still, she had to think of something before he lost himself in a terrible bout of worthlessness. Hiroe didn't know how she felt about him, or anyone really. Much of her focus was geared towards her dream, towards tapping into the soul of her Asauchi, reaching that precipice she had always desired. She never once lost sight out of that.

Romance was fun, but she wouldn't let it get in the way of her grind. If she wanted to be intimate with anyone, it'd probably be her Zanpakuto. The stronger the connection she could get with that, the more satisfied she'd be in the future. Even so, Yuzuru asked a fairly legitimate question. How would they proceed from her? She wasn't ready to commit to anything yet. She wasn't lovesick or exactly dying to have a boyfriend, as amusing as the idea was. Yuzuru seemed to be in love with her, at least from the way this all came across. She had to think about that long-term.

"I think those feelings are what you call love, so you might as well say you're in love with me. Truthfully? I'm flattered. Any woman hearing that would probably feel the same. I don't know what to do with that or how to help you. I feel that's something you'd have to come to a conclusion on your own. I seem to be the only woman you know, so maybe you can go out and try talking to other girls, perhaps? But... hm..."

Hiroe scratched the back of her head, leaning against the tree as she sat beside him. Ah... hm. What could she do with this? What if he didn't want to do that? What if he only felt that way about her? At that point, what would she do?

"Pursue another woman. Befriend another woman. Do what we've done so far. If, you feel, at least that you don't feel the same way about them as you do me... I guess I'll let you try and court me. Ask me out on a date or something like that. I can't promise anything, though. I won't go and tell you I'll wait for you nor will I say I won't keep my own options open and go out on a date myself, but I don't want this friendship to feel awkward, so I'll let you... as the term on earth goes.... shoot your shot? Yeah, that."

That was the way she'd go about this. He couldn't claim to say she was the only woman if he went and spent time around someone else. Puppy love didn't equate to true love. Hiroe had crushed on several of the males in her academy and even found a woman or two appealing aesthetically, but she hadn't felt strongly about someone as Yuzuru felt towards her. It was foreign territory, to be sure.