ARE YOU OKAY? [Makoto, Shishiyuki]

"I see. I suppose that makes sense."

Whether or not she believed it was a mystery, to herself most of all. It came back to that uncomfortable feeling she got from her teacher. Where it was hard to gauge whether she was lying or truthful but that also came down to her habit of overthinking even the most basic things like this. It didn't really hold much place in her mind as to where these techniques came from.

She was the type of person who didn't need to have complete context for this, it was like how her superiors in her division had other things going on behind the scenes. To try and force herself into things that didn't concern her was something she regarded as a flaw and subordinates that were a little too curious for their own good didn't sit well in her book.

"How did you learn them? Is this the way you were taught as well?"

It was a pretty remorseless way of teaching that she had deduced based on how she was being taught to watch death matches and try to understand the techniques.

Shishiyuki gently shook her head at that question, eyes still on the horizon as the two of them walked. Of course she had not been taught in this way. Her father and her masters had not known these urges as she did. This was not a manner in which she would teach anyone else but Makoto, as someone else who understood that violent desire.

"I was taught in an academic and regimented manner. My teachers instructed me in all techniques, but did not demonstrate them on others if they would inescapably cause harm. Learning to apply them properly was as much a part of the curriculum as learning the technique at all."

There wasn't much reason to hide any of that, so far as Shishiyuki was concerned. If anything, it only pained an all the more bland and unremarkable picture of her family. A martial arts school which taught with all the same clinical safety as Shino Academy did to its youngest students? It would not exactly draw much attention.

It didn't really make sense how she was supposed to feel. Did it upset her that she was being taught like this because Shishiyuki knew she was a violent soul rather than the way a normal person would be trained. A little bit. It made feel like she'd be stuck like this forever, became violent and she'll die with this seething hate in her chest too.

Still, she felt uncomfortable to ask if they could not train like this. It felt cowardly to want to avoid it but it felt like it was acceptance to be in this situation and surrounded by it. She felt stupid for it all. It made her want to let out her frustration on something and that only made her more frustrated like a vicious cycle that fed into itself again and again.

"...Why are you teaching me like this? It's slaughter."

The last bit slipped out, Makoto only meant to ask why it had to be like this where it was in her face. Declaring it slaughter was not something she meant to call her teacher out on, she thought it was and in some twisted way she liked seeing it as much as she hated to watch it. It made a faint bit of worry creep into her while waiting for Shishiyuki's response.

Shishiyuki stopped walking forward, then, though her gaze did not immediately turn toward Makoto. That was quite a good response, one Shishiyuki had been unsure she would hear. She looked toward Makoto after a moment or two, eyes directly meeting her student's with what was, by all accounts, a much less stern air than normal.

"It is, yes. Hold that thought in your mind for the rest of your life. That there is no value in mindless killing."

Had Makoto not spoken in such a way, Shishiyuki would have certainly continued on with this journey, with killing whatever vagabonds encroached upon them, and she certainly would have considered this nothing more than the teaching of another killer in the making. But this awareness was precisely what was needed.

"Hakuda is a killing art, no matter the style or the practitioner. To dedicate oneself to its study is to accept that your hands will be stained with blood. Many who follow it are simply indifferent to this killing, and some precious few consider it only a necessary evil. But those such as you and I, Makoto, for whom the desire to cause harm is ever looming, there must be an understanding that prevents us from acting on this urge beyond a mere intellectual understanding."

She began to walk once more, though not further into the wastelands. Instead, she had turned back, gesturing for Makoto to follow. They were through in this place.

"To simply know that this desire is wrong is not enough to curb it, to control it when one's own body is a weapon which can snuff out a life with ease. You must always feel within the depths of your heart a disgust at the thought. Something emotional, instinctive, which will stay with you even when reason has been lost."

How to handle it, Makoto didn't know how she was meant to react being told to never let go of those words. She had always acknowledged it was wrong, ruined her image of herself that she did in fact enjoy such an awful and wrong subject.

"I know.. I know it's wrong but I like it. I'm a terrible person."

Saying things out loud was something she hated, when she vocalised her inner thoughts she felt like they were manifesting right in front of her and becoming real rather than something she could just deny the reality of inside her head.

Direction wasn't something she thought too hard about. Shishiyuki made her tracks, painting the route that Makoto would follow without needing to be prompted or instructed. For the whole way back she couldn't get her eyes away from the back of Shishiyuki's head. It was all so confusing, beating her head against a wall wouldn't compare to the headache she got thinking about Shishiyuki.

"You are not a terrible person. We do not choose what it is that brings us pleasure. If such a thing was at our disposal, I should think neither of us would feel as we do."

Shishiyuki had ruminated on these matters for much longer than Makoto had been alive, and while she could not say that she had completely come to terms with these feelings, it would be a lie to say that she did not have a fairly complete understanding of this worldview. It was not wrong to desire violence, not in and of itself. What was wrong was to inflict it upon others purely for the sake of one's own gratification.

"Do you seek to harm others apropos of nothing, Makoto? Do you engage in violence merely because it pleases you? Or, as I have seen, do you hold these urges within you, bottling them and keeping them from seeing the light of day? We are not so neatly defined simply by what it is we feel an urge to do."

She'd not spoken on these topics with anyone before, and so Shishiyuki had to admit, at least to herself, that even she had a small bit of difficulty vocalizing her thoughts on the matter.

"I do not simply wish to teach you hakuda, Makoto. I wish to help you come to terms with your desires."

That was correct. If she had a switch to be rid of her violent feelings then Makoto would press it without a second thought. Noble ideas of overcoming one's own struggles and growing through challenges given to her? She didn't care about stupid things like that.

"...Of course I restrain myself, I wouldn't be much of a person if I didn't have self-control."

It was the next part that made her glance away. That was the hard to believe part, why did she care? People didn't do things out of the kindness of their heart it was always the same thing. Someone wanted something from you and once they had what they wanted then you got tossed to the wayside like garbage.

What though? There was nothing she could offer Shishiyuki. Did she just want to play with her? Did she want to show remorse for a feeling of guilt from past actions? Stupid wild theories which made her headspin with possibilities of varying validities.

"I understand, Lady Shishiyuki."