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Little Supernovas in my Head
Mon Jul 23, 2012 1:41 am
Hi there!
You all mighta notice the sudden xat ban, and be like >wtf. But I asked for it, as funny as it sounds, because I know my impulse control is zilch. Even if I say I take a week off xat, I'll be back in like 3 hours. So yeah.
I'll be gone for 168 hours - which is a week. So, I'll see y'all on xat next sunday. If you need me, I'll be available on site. I'm also doing this no skype week.. which will wreck my brain, but I can do it right? If you need me for asap things, I can get on the second chat box : but I'll be doing my best to get my mind off all my social problems.
Considering my crack and blow up today, it kinda makes it obvious to me that I'm getting WAY too invested into you guys emotionally, and it's causing shit. Yeah.
Anyways, I need this break - maybe I'll get back to staff after, or stay a member for a bit, but I can't even sleep because of this headache anymore. I just.. hit rock bottom, so I hope everyone will understand.
And for once, just click the spoiler to see how I felt. And maybe think amongst yourselves, why would I feel this way? If you need more info, just pm me I guess. I'm shutting skype off when I go to sleep tonight, so it'll be there all night.
Later gators.
You all mighta notice the sudden xat ban, and be like >wtf. But I asked for it, as funny as it sounds, because I know my impulse control is zilch. Even if I say I take a week off xat, I'll be back in like 3 hours. So yeah.
I'll be gone for 168 hours - which is a week. So, I'll see y'all on xat next sunday. If you need me, I'll be available on site. I'm also doing this no skype week.. which will wreck my brain, but I can do it right? If you need me for asap things, I can get on the second chat box : but I'll be doing my best to get my mind off all my social problems.
Considering my crack and blow up today, it kinda makes it obvious to me that I'm getting WAY too invested into you guys emotionally, and it's causing shit. Yeah.
Anyways, I need this break - maybe I'll get back to staff after, or stay a member for a bit, but I can't even sleep because of this headache anymore. I just.. hit rock bottom, so I hope everyone will understand.
And for once, just click the spoiler to see how I felt. And maybe think amongst yourselves, why would I feel this way? If you need more info, just pm me I guess. I'm shutting skype off when I go to sleep tonight, so it'll be there all night.
Later gators.
- Aivee's Heart State:
- I guess what really fanned the flames was the feeling that nobody actually gave my comments serious thoughts.
They just shrugged it off as if it didn't matter, as if I didn't matter a goddamn bit.
and I've been feeling that way for a while : people can say I affect them all they fucking want.
But speaking something and then acting something are two majorly different things
and actions speak louder then words.
But when my whole time growing up, all you hear is ''you're immature''
you tend to develop an aversion to that stigma.
and litterally, it just felt like everyone was treating me as if I was immature, a stupid dumbfuck kid.
I'm just tired.
it isn't the first time and honestly?
I'm getting tired
of trying to hold myself together for people that don't even see the efforts I'm pulling out for them
and just condemn me for things I do.
I'm kinda done, because I'm human yaknow?
I can only go so far on pure will alone.
which is all I've had, really.
I always have to be strong, so the very second I'm not, everyone attacks me.. and I hate that. I can't do it anymore.
I can't be strong all the time anymore.
but everyone wants me to
and don't want to accept when I'm not
nobody wants to see the Aivee behind the mask that I throw up
and it hurts.
because it feels like nobody wants me.
nobody really wants /me/ they just want my mask.
and that reality.. hurts more then anything else in the world.
'm not going back.
I can't. I said I was done.
and I'm keeping it for sure this time.
it hurts, but I said it.
and I gotta keep my word.
what makes me sad is
that almost no one's gonna bother trying to see what's really wrong with me.
they're either too scared or just gonna leave it.
when I'm hurt, when I'm mad
is the best times to get into my shell
after that.. I just shut it out.
say I'm okay, even if I'm not.
It wasn't really heat of the moment
I've been fighting these feelings for months
Months.
you can't tell me there isn't something wrong about that.
sure my insecurity does play some role in it
I ain't denying that it's partly my fault
but I don't think it's just me either.
I know I'm an insecure chika, and I've told mostly everyone that by now.
What doesn't help, is that I care about you guys. a lot.
so whatever you guys say to me, is.. well amplified if you will.
I hate it when people sweep my outbursts under the rug.
cuz it just seems to tell me it's not important, and that just makes whatever self-loathing I have amplify - I've actually thought that I'm so horrible I can't even get people to care. But that's a self issue in part : but also, if someone's not gonna fix the problem, it's not gonna get fixed and so it'll keep happening.
problem is
if I'm stable
I deny the problem
and already am back behind my shell.
so it's useless to discuss at that point.
since in essence, it's lip service of sorts.
*sighs* I'm just tired of feeling like I'm the bottom of the barrel. that last fish no one wants 'cuz it stinks to high heaven.
I also wish someone would've heard me out rather then outright scorned me or try to prove me wrong. To listen why I felt such and why I was thinking such and then go from there, rather then outright deny and just sorta outcast whatever I said as ''unimportant.''
ChaoQueen Of The Sands- Joined : 2010-06-03
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Re: Little Supernovas in my Head
Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:48 am
so guys, which Staff/member is next on our list to alienate?
Thing's like this happen all around us and to each one individually in different ways. I wondered how long it would take for me to see another Temp leave like this, and I try to help but it wont ever fully heal them.
I don't think you needed to go this far, in fact you may even start to regret it when you wake up the next day. maybe I'm wrong and this is the best thing for you. I'm not you so I can't say anything for certain but what I can say is what I said all night yesterday:
'Do what makes you happy, I'd like to see a smile on that face again'
You can't make everyone happy. It's impossible. You can't keep everyone, that too is very difficult. Some people need to get hurt to live on. A bit of ignorance goes a long way too, but too much kills. It's a lesson we need to learn, and to look after one another instead of shouting at their faces.
JJRower of Rock. And Souls.- Joined : 2011-03-03
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Re: Little Supernovas in my Head
Mon Jul 23, 2012 7:58 am
Well... If you feel it is best, then all we can do is trust that you know what you're doing.
Look forwards to seeing you back and hoping you've found a more stable foundation.
P.S. Don't let the sharks bite <.<
Look forwards to seeing you back and hoping you've found a more stable foundation.
P.S. Don't let the sharks bite <.<
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
- Buddha
- Buddha
~Amaya~Female of Dual
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Re: Little Supernovas in my Head
Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:14 am
We'll miss chu, aivee.
We will miss you a lot. ^^
We will miss you a lot. ^^
- GuestGuest
Re: Little Supernovas in my Head
Tue Jul 31, 2012 6:51 pm
Extending this.
I'm actually not gonna go in the xat much no moar, so skype me if you want. Anyone that doesn't have it just ask Chaozi.
I'm actually not gonna go in the xat much no moar, so skype me if you want. Anyone that doesn't have it just ask Chaozi.
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Re: Little Supernovas in my Head
Sat Jun 29, 2013 2:58 pm
«MOVING THIS TO ARCHIVES»
Seeing how this leave is fairly outdated, and it's taking up space in active departures, I'm going to go ahead and place this thread into archives. .
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