The Art Of Gen-Kido (Hannah, Erica)

There was a long pause then as the pink haired woman did some serious thinking. An internal battle between her desire to save and her innate disdain for taking a life. In the back of her mind, she knew that what Hannah was saying was true. Erica’s hesitation to fight could well be the death of another, the sheer opposite of what she wished to achieve. Perhaps she should just stick to the infirmary, healing those who needed her and focusing on her Kaido rather than anything else. She would be comfortable, she would be protected, she would be safe but what about the people injured on the battlefield? What about the others who needed her aid? Those who could not reach her? For all the men and women that she could save, there would always be those who couldn’t reach the 2nd Division in time. It was then that the simple realisation dawned upon her that she should have known from the start.

There was more than one way to save a life.

It was at that particular point that a scent would fill the air, coming from the Zanpakuto that was hanging from her hip. A sweet scent that would calm the nerves and hesitation of the Shinigami and help to focus her mind. It wasn’t something that she’d been able to do by choice but her blade had always seemed to know when to release its power for her sake.

She made a decision then and shook her head, backing up a few paces.

“Please put up the barrier again, Hannah.” She asked, a determined tone to her voice.

"No"

Short, sweet, and to the point, Hannah's commanding tone did not mess around.

"You've got a though of pushing yourself into the battlefield, so you can help more people and do more healing. I know, I had the exact same thought a long time ago. But violence is not in your nature, forcing yourself will just get you into the exact situation previously described. You'll need to accept the horrible truth that every medical Shinigami comes face to face with at one point in their life"

Hannah would step up to Erica, and hold her face in two hands. Not the warmest, pretty skinny, but there was powerful emotion in those blind eyes.

"You can not, save, everyone. Do not try. Rely on your brothers and sisters and do your best in your best situation. Do not force yourself out of it, or you risk another's life. Kill yourself all you want, but never ever let your feelings of inadequacy get another person killed"

The determination that Erica had managed to summon up shattered like glass as she listened to the almost brutal words that Hannah said. Her face fell once again as the honest truth filled her ears. It was a bitter pill to swallow and she made no effort to stop the blonde woman from holding her face, finding herself looking back into the eyes of her elder. Only now did she realise the condition that Hannah had, the pink haired Shinigami’s eyes widening as she found herself gazing, yet, she was not taken aback. Her training and time in the infirmary had instilled in her the professionalism that was required to not baulk or hesitate when facing a patient. In that regard, her resolve was rather strong, it was just a pity that it didn’t extend to other areas of Shinigami life.

As if by reflex, her hands would rise and place themselves over Hannah’s. Unlike the blonde’s though, Erica’s were trembling, as the misery started to overcome her. She’d not considered the possibility that her powers would not be enough and had comforted herself in the knowledge that no matter how foul the wound, she could repair it with Kaido and her charming manner. Soon enough, tears would start to flow down the cheeks of the pink haired girl, a clear sign of just how powerful an effect Hannah’s words were having.

“I don’t wish for my own death, I wish to prevent others from meeting theirs and if I can’t save everyone, then I’ll save as many as I can. I want to be able to help those in the field, to support those in need and I want to be able to use Hadō without picturing the face of the target every time. I know that I can grow beyond this, I just need a shove in the right direction. I’m never going to jump for joy when taking a life nor will I boast about my feats but if I can get to the point where I can stand on a battlefield and do what needs to be done then I’ll be satisfied with that.” She replied tearfully, unable to hide her feelings.

Hannah would pull Erica into a hug as she started crying, letting her bawl into Hannah's shoulder while stroking her hair gently. Here and now was better than a more pressing or time sensitive situation.

"Such is the way of life. Oft cruel and without care" Hannah would speak, gentle and soothing. "But, don't push yourself where you do not belong; the battlefield will not miss one person. There are those Combat Medics who can be out there, and are out there. You do not need to be one. The Infirmary here in the Seireitei, is always looking for more people. That is where you excel, that is where you will do your best work.

If you truly are wild in your need to be out there, then make sure to do it slowly and with great care. Ease into it over time, and then take small baby steps. Solo patrols are better for that since you aren't with anyone, so you can mess up however you want and have few lasting consequences. But never throw yourself into it wildly. That just ends badly for everyone"

Melting into Hannah’s embrace, Erica would let her shields fall completely, sobbing hard into the blonde woman’s shoulder as she cried her eyes out. She wasn’t sure what to think anymore and struggled to understand just what the right path for her was. Erica was happy where she was and everyone she met in the infirmary always seemed to speak so glowingly of her. She was never nervous or anxious there and showed a level of confidence that seemed to brighten up the room and her patient. Every day had been a blessing for her and she truly loved her work, but was that enough? Was she doing enough to truly help the Gotei? Did her work even count towards being a Shinigami at all? Everyone at the academy had always spoken about how the duty of one was to defeat hollows, master their Zanpakuto and defend the Gotei from threats. She wasn’t doing any of that and at times, it was hard not to feel as though she was worthless.

Those questions began to reverberate in her mind, causing her crying to increase as she desperately struggled to handle them. She didn’t know the answer and soon enough, the pink haired woman found herself having to ask Hannah, her words rather hard to hear.

“Is it enough to spend my days healing in the infirmary? I feel at home there but in the back of my mind, I feel as though it is not enough. Like I’m an insult to the Gotei for not trying to climb out of my comfort zone. Am I an embarrassment for not enjoying combat as so many other Shinigami do? I’d like nothing more than to spend my time healing and perhaps creating Kaido of my own.”

It was the core of her troubles. Should she be trying to become a ‘model’ Shinigami or the one she wanted to be?

"A better question to ask would be; what force can survive without their support? If there was nobody to bring the battered and the broken back to their feet, how long would the Gotei be able to maintain a presence in the Living World? Hollows are dangerous creatures, without remorse or restraint, which can leave some terrible wounds on a person. Without professional aid, a lot of Hollows will end a Shinigami's career in one wrong move"

Hannah would keep Erica in close while talking, knowing what it was like to break down like this.

"Ask yourself which is more important to the Gotei. A woman who can maybe do one fight, or a woman who can make a thousand people fit to fight again"

It was difficult for Erica to understand anything that Hannah was saying at first, her despair flooding through her veins and blocking out her sense of reason. All she could hear were the same questions through her head. She’d never felt as miserable as she did just then, her typical smiling face replaced by pure agony. It just wouldn’t stop and the ferociousness of her pain felt worse than her physical wound, it was mental and emotional torture. The pink haired girl was practically clinging to the blonde woman, anchoring herself and trying to pull herself from her misery. It made her realise just how long she’d be carrying her emotional baggage around for, baggage that at times she’d barely even noticed. There was just something about the way that Hannah had spoken earlier which had brought it all rushing to the surface. Like water bursting through a dam.

Eventually though, the waves of pain began to lessen and she could finally actually think about what Hannah was saying to her. The teacher’s words were like a barrier that shielded Erica from her pain, pushing it away. Her head would tilt slightly, appreciating the gentleness with which she was being held, Hannah’s warmth helping to defrost the Shinigami’s cold and depressed heart. She thought deeply about the questions asked of her, the sounds of her crying starting to fade away as she tried to pull herself together.

“I can help the Gotei more by doing what I am now.” She finally answered, her voice a little hoarse due to her crying. “There will always be Shinigami that need my help and I will be in the infirmary every day to take care of them. I won’t worry anymore about what other Shinigami are doing and instead focus on what I am, improving the skills that I love.”

"Good Girl" Hannah would coo, patting Erica's head. It was good to let it all out and find clarity in the other side of your despair. "Never let anyone push you where you aren't meant to be. In this, a little bit of violence is helpful, but if it is truly not your nature, don't let them make it become your nature"

Hannah would pull out a handkerchief from her skirt pocket and hand it to Erica.

"Be who you are, and stick to that with all the fire in your heart"

Taking the offered tissue, Erica would gently dab her eyes, sniffing from time to time still. It’d all come out so quickly that she was in a bit of a tailspin and yet, she felt as though a weight had been lifted from her. She finally felt as though her doubts had left her, leaving her with the happy knowledge that she was doing exactly what she should be. It was amazing how just a simple realisation could cause such a change but it did wonders for her. The sweet and cheerful aura that surrounded her was starting to return and a small, watery smile crossed her features.

Trying to find a little humour in it all, she’d say. “This wasn’t the lesson that I had in mind but I think it was the one I needed.”

"Often, one does not know where they are going until they arrive there. And can be surprised at the destination when they do" Hannah would flick a finger to get her papers sorted out via air currents and then flown to her, and then extend her hand.

"Now, do you wish to be talked back to our barracks, or do ou want to take a more scenic route and contemplate life going forward?"