On This Long Moonless Night, I Dream Alone

It had been a few days since the feeling initially washed over him. Something had changed. He didn't know exactly what had changed, but he knew that...well, something had. Everything felt different, yet looked the same. Yet, in everything that felt odd and different, there were things that ached every single time he was reminded of it as he sat up in bed, turning his head, seeing...nothing. Just a cold, empty half of the bed, the covers only slightly disturbed by his own wake.

She was still gone. He was still a demon.

Tonight was one of many restless nights, one where, despite the exhaustion and tiredness that he felt, there was too much on his mind to sleep. Trying to figure out what had happened and caused everything to feel strange and off, struggling with another bout of desiring to see the woman he loved one last time, figuring out how he was going to turn back into a human. It was all just...exhausting.

He sighed, rubbing his eyes as he got to his feet, picking up his jacket from the bedpost, slinging it over his shoulders as he quietly made his way down the stairs and out of the house, sitting down. He rummaged through his jacket pocket, pulling out a packet of cigarettes and lighter. His thumb gently ran across the dragon-themed pattern along the side, before he flipped the lid open.

He didn't waste time flicking the spark wheel, letting the smokey scent of the grey haze wash over him. The billowing cloud brushed past his lips and cheeks as the chilly midnight wind caused his jacket to rustle across his bare chest.

No matter when or how many times he indulged in these small tastes of death, it only gave the slightest of numbness.

He wanted to just, talk out loud, as if she were there and could hear him. But, what more was there to say? Everything he wanted to say, he had already noted with that letter, long since set ablaze and left to ash.

...Did he even want her back?

Part of him didn't. He knew that it would just delve back into what it had been before: her disappearing for long periods of time with no explanation, only to come back changed in so many different ways and telling him nothing. Yet, he still missed her. He missed being next to her, holding her. He missed the times he saw her smile, the times when she made him feel like he mattered.

If nothing else, he wanted to see her, one last time, to be able to say goodbye.

Instead, he knew nothing. He didn't know where she died. He didn't know how she died. He didn't even know if she was buried. He wanted to see her again, even if just to be able to bury her, to know that she at least had that much. Even if he was the only person in the world who gave a shit, he felt that she deserved that much, at least.

Vanyel sighed as he stood up, taking one last drag from the cigarette as he turned around and walked back inside. Maybe Mana would know someone. She and Calypso had a somewhat positive relationship before things ended, didn't they? Better than Algos, that was for certain. He stubbed out the cigarette on an ashtray in the living room, then silently made his way back to his room. Climbing back in bed and pulling the covers back over him, he slowly turned onto his other side.

Nothing had changed. The other end of the bed was still as cold and empty as it always was, and always would be. Vanyel just closed his eyes, and prayed for a dreamless slumber.

He didn't want anymore heartache tonight.