So do not Fear, for I am With You (Helle/Open)

The waves crashed against the steep crystal cliffs as they always do. The sea breeze continued to flow, undisturbed by the happenings around it. The sounds of the world sung in its chaotic symphony, gracing the coast of The City of Lights. However, the city did not sing back. In fact, it could not sing back, for its beautiful walls that reflected the sun’s glow, captured the refreshing winds, and carried with it a joyous tune did not exist. What does exist is the shambles of a civilization, ravaged once more by forces unstoppable.

However, she could have stopped them. She could have stopped him. If her own childish unstable mind had not damned her own existence, she would have had the power to combat the man who laid siege to her whole world. Instead, all she proved capable of was hobbling away to safety with the rest of them. As a Director of the Sternritter, all she could do was watch as her own men fought and suffered.

The biting wind brought her back from her mental turmoil, only for her emerald eyes to perceive the boundless sea before them. She stood precariously close to the edge of the cliff, the city far away from her. Her body, weak and frail, seemed barely capable of even keeping her upright before the jumping waves and harsh salty winds. Slowly her head fell as more torment befell her mind.

A story of her life: a parentless child left in the hands of stubborn Elders who saw her as a tool. She spent her days training in solitude, barely knowing the gentle loving touch of a mother or the stern love a father share with his children. She was not even allowed to partake in any activities with other kids her age. It wasn’t until she had forced herself free from her confines that she appeared before them, and, instead of finding friends, she found nothing but harsh stares and cruel whispers. She learned that day that she could never be one of them, but that simply meant she had to become better than them. If she became stronger, cooler, maybe they’d accept her. Fate is cruel enough to repeat itself.

Today, she had done much the same. She had boasted about her abilities, abused them, knowing that the people who cherish their strong savior. She had obtained not only power, but the intimate trust of her superior. She truly was a young girl in a candy shop. Now, she’s only comparable to a broken machine, thrown in the waste bin for recycling. She did not learn from the last time she felt her heart explode inside her body, for she brought it upon herself once more. When she learned she had lost what she thought only hers, she let herself become weak and foolish enough to pray death upon their heads. She threatened the one thing she swore to protect, and now, she is but a relic. Would her parents be happy with her? What would they say? What would they think? She even left the one who trained her to rot in whatever oblivion he now exists in.

As her head fell, cloudy eyes focusing on the rampant waters below, she felt her hair come undone, blonde locks shielding her face from the world as she felt her eyes sting. The wetness rolling down her cheeks did not come from the sea, and she watched as it rained down on jagged rocks. Her heart in her throat, pumping wildly. The roar of the world around her became a distant noise as she could only hear her own panicked breaths, nothing but static in her head, whispers creeping ever slowly over her vision, turning the world into a sickly black and red. Slowly, her right foot moved, her toes hanging over that edge. Slowly, she became closer and closer.

The world would be better off without someone so useless, a failure in everything. What would her parents think if she joined them? What would they say to her? What would he say to her? What would everyone think? Would they mourn her? Would they move on? Replace her the next day? Remember her as she lived: a selfish woman who lost it all in her quest for everything? Even now, with each step, she only knew selfishness. This life of hers isn’t hers to take, but here she is ever closer to Death’s embrace. She can taste the blood in her mouth, her lip torn by her own incisors. She can hear God calling her name.

Just one more step…

"What are you doing?"

Ninsianna knew the words to that question even as they left her mouth. It wasn't one intended to recieve an answer. It wasn't even spoken in a chiding tone, as she might have delivered to nearly anyone else in these same circumstances. No, for all her collected nature, Ninsianna was still a living creature, still someone with a capacity for empathy. She understood all too well that Helle was suffering. Even if she herself was in agony from what had occurred, Ninsianna understood why Helle would have found herself in this position. That was why she did not chide her, did not speak harshly.

She simply asked a question, because she wanted Helle to think about the answer.

No more words were spoken, but she walked closer, her eyes moving between Helle and the ocean beyond them. Much as Ninsianna wished to say more to her dear friend, she wouldn't do so. Not when she had already asked such an important question, and when Helle's response was so vital.

Her foot paused, the air beneath it as solid as actual ground.

The waves crashed into the cliff once more, the wind picking up. That very moment enough to blow the hair from her face, revealing the lack of soul in her emerald eyes. Out of all voices to hear, Helle wanted this one to be the last to ever save her. Shame washed over her, hugging her from behind like a heavy quilt, its embrace burning despite the cold encompassing her mortal shell. She dared not move, dared not look, her thoughts running through response after response. Some proved comical. Others dead serious. At least that much was enough to put a small grim grin on her face, as if accepting the grave reality of this situation.

"...I'm... I'm doing everyone a favor."

"By taking a dear friend away? You and I must have rather different ideas of who would be done a favor by this. I think my daughter and I would find no favor in it. Only grief in having lost someone so dear."

Ninsianna's voice remained calm, avoiding giving away just how deeply this moment terrified her. For she understood all too well that this was a genuine threat before her now, that she could not simply expect this to go over easily and to call it a day. Exactly what she had feared had come to pass, in that brief window where she had not been present to prevent it.

"I know that we are not the only ones, either. But I think that you know that too, Helle. That you would be dearly missed."

Again, of course Helle knew this. She thought about all of that before she began walking, before she accepted this fate of hers. However, this wasn't how it ended in her head. There wasn't supposed to be any reconsidering. Once the deed was done, it's done. Everyone would feel the way they would, but she wouldn't be there to suffer the consequences of her actions, and maybe that's just the woman Helle is.

"I'm selfish, Ninsianna. Always have been. Here I am, taking away everyone's happiness, but maybe you guys deserve it for ever getting close to someone like me."

Each word stung her throat, an acceptance of just how fucked up she actually is.

There were many things Ninsianna could have said to reply, but they all felt far too rational. Too logical, too cold. None of them felt appropriate, as if they were what she ought to say. Because, ultimately, this was not a rational matter. This was not something she could simply debate Helle on and prove to her this was a bad decision.

"Perhaps you are, Helle. But everyone is selfish, in some capacity or another. That is the nature of being. Even I can hardly avoid it, for all my rationality, else I never would have thought to have a daughter."

But that wasn't the end of it, was it? Ninsianna wasn't especially good with delicate emotional situations like this. They were not nearly methodical enough for her liking.

"I would not have spent so much time with you if I were not selfish. I simply wished to bring you happiness. Whatever I deserve for becoming close with 'someone like you,' I would accept. For the Helle that I have come to know is not merely a selfish woman. She would not have shown such kindness as she has if that were the case."

Kind?

"And where did that kindness get me? Where did that kindness lead?!"

Irrationally angry, vile in her throat, Helle turned her body, her lifeless orbs staring directly at the Danava. Her disheveled look bled with insanity.

"Where has any kindness led?! My parents died for me when I was just a baby! Why didn't they take me with them?! Why was I left all alone without kindness?! All I wanted was to be loved! No! All I wanted was to know what it felt like to be accepted! Not even that! I wasn't even allowed that! I suffered a heart attack at the age of fucking 12, just because I wanted one single friend! What did I get!? What did I fucking get from trying to be nice, Ninsianna?!"

Of course, her excited emotions led to her body recoiling. Her heart had taken a hard hit, leaving the blonde to fold into herself and cough. Much like before, blood leaked from between her fingers as she caught the worse of her episode, yet still it leaked onto the ground below. Looking up, pained, her breath now ragged, she didn't stop spouting her anguish. Not even her body failing her would stop the outburst she's held her whole life.

"This power. The power I once had. I just wanted them to say my name, just once. Someone to call me cool, to invite me to their lunch table. However, I returned to tales that everything I once knew was destroyed, everyone I wanted to impress gone. Then he... Azmi... He... I thought he was someone... Someone I could finally feel it from. He cared from me. He took my first. Then, then he dropped me like I wasn't good enough. He dropped me, looked at me like they did. He left me for her, for that mess of a woman. I tried so hard to be perfect, yet someone who had nothing but failure behind them was able to find love. And I was rewarded with losing everything."

Her nose started to bleed, her words becoming sluggish as more blood filled her mouth and fell from her. However, even then, she did not stop. Even as she found herself on her knees, she did not stop.

"I preach protecting the weak, uniting the world... All I really wanted was to be praised, to hear someone say my name and love me. Trial after trial, I endured, and this is all I have to show. This is all I have to give. Nothing but a broken mess! A pile of fucking filth on the-"

Her sentence cut itself off as she vomited, more blood before her. She found herself unable to move her mouth, her throat scorched by her own hot fluids. All she could do was look down at the ground, her red reflection staring back at her. Oh, how she wished she had just jumped.

Much as she wished to be, Ninsianna wasn't a healer. She couldn't help Helle with her physical anguish, and for all that she wanted to, she didn't know what she even ought to say in response to Helle's outburst. It was tragic. it was something that she would never wish on any child, and that this was the result made Ninsianna truly sick. But her own feelings at the moment bordered on the inconsequential--

No, that wasn't true, either. Moving to Helle, Ninsianna wrapped her arms around her, unconcerned with the mess that the blood would cause. She could handle it later.

"If you truly cannot stand to continue, if you would simply wish to move on in the cycle, then that is ultimately your right. If the pain you suffer is so great that I could never hope to see it assuaged, I would not dare to force you to continue. If that is your wish, then I would offer you a peaceful passing, that you can at least be free of your agony in those final moments"

Ninsianna hadn't held anyone so genuinely, apart from her daughter, in a very long time. But she did not want Helle to suffer so, and this was all that she could truly do. Helle had already said what it was that she wanted. Ninsianna would give it to her, especially if this was to be the finality that she so insisted she desired.

"I love you, Helle. You are very right, that you have been mistreated beyond measure. That you have suffered when you certainly did not deserve it. And if it were in my power, I would certainly take all of that from you without even a moment's hesitation. But you are much more than mere filth. You are not simply a broken mess. You are a young woman who has struggled, and who has carried herself in spite of it."

Her hold on Helle tightened just the faintest touch, but she meant those words. She understood that to live was simply suffering for some. Perhaps even for the woman in her arms. But she would still be distraught to lose someone so dear to her.

Her eyes widened. Those are words she did not expect to hear. However, those three words punished her more than anything else Ninsianna could have said. During her time of upmost selfishness, the woman holding her decided to one up her. It is what it is. Though, as her eyes slowly grew too weak to stay open, the only things allowed to fall from them are tears. In fact, she couldn't help but smile, a pure smile contrasting her bloody visage.

"...A bit late, Ninsianna."

A woman who has lived longer than her, seen more than her, and probably suffered more than her. Helle found herself feeling so small, like an ant on a leaf. Here she is, causing this woman even more suffering. Well, endings are usually bittersweet. However, Helle found herself wanting more than just an easy pass. Despite how much it hurt to talk, she moved her lips once more.

"The earing you wear, Ninsianna. It is the same as Arcadia's. It was you who saved her from Mazda's hold, wasn't it? Why? If this is it, I would like to know a bit more about you, your past."

She even wanted to ask about Inanna, but they did not have time for that. She was not allowed to walk off into the abyss, but it seems her frail body still wished for death. She can feel her heartbeat changing, slowing. She doesn't even recognize this as the usual heart attack. Maybe that little confession was enough to soothe her body, a safe carriage into the next life.

"I know. I am sorry. I ought to have said it sooner."

Ninsianna was not terribly strong, but she did not need to be at present. The five discs which made up Utu manifested around her, ready to help and carry Helle where Ninsianna's own body could not. But she did not wish to simply yank the woman upward. She wasn't even certain if she ought to try and move her.

"She resembles a woman I loved long ago. I would all too gladly share my past with you, Helle, but it is a rather long story. It would take a long while to share."

It wasn't in Ninsianna's nature to be indirect, but she didn't have it in her to simply state the situation. It would have pained her far too much.

"Shall I tell it as we walk? Or would you prefer to lay down? Whatever would make you happy."