Wish you were Here, But You're Not [Solo] [Santa]

The sensation was....jarring to say the least. At first, she didn't notice a thing, and yet some small mote within the whole of her being suddenly felt as if it was being shaken.

She didn't understand what it was that was happening, and in an instant she could feel the sliver in her mind that was Ajora attempting to figure it out as well. And in the turmoil, it dawned on her just what it was that was occurring. Something was happening with Mazda, his presence felt somehow through every object around her all at once. And she heard his voice, speaking words that she didn't understand. And for once, his words did not comfort her.

And just as suddenly, from her perspective, it was over. She had no idea what had happened, but at the very least it was over. A soft, gentle sigh escaped her as she wondered what had happened. She'd never felt such that energy so ...thoroughly. What had he done? And almost immediately, she wondered if perhaps he had done something to soul society?

She wasn't concerned, it wasn't as if there were any shinigami wh could challenge him. She smiled to herself and the air peeled away infront of her, stepping from the spot she'd been settled and stepping almost directly into a familiar space. And empty place that had once served as a vary important place in her heart. As the air closed behind her, she took just a moment to look around into the empty place and remember the last time she had called out to him. IN truth, it HAD been a while since she'd heard from him. HE had been busier than usual, and she felt a soft, gentle tinge of excitement as she felt a smugness to her.

Wouldn't it be romantic to call him here again?

"Mazda." She called out to him, and smiled.....waiting.

And she waited.

Pausing for a moment as she expected a tinge of ...something. There was always as ort of ...senesation whenever she called to him. She had always wondered if perhaps he would use some word to sense her whereabouts, or perhaps her condition. Or perhaps it was simply the sensation of the sun turning his metaphorical gaze in her direction before travel. The weight of his consideration.

And yet, she didn't feel it. That dull tinge never came. But so too did she not feel his approach. She took a moment and glanced around, her expression shifting to a bit of surprise as she took a moment and felt something tingle up the length of her spine. Was something holding him up? It had happened before naturally, sometimes it took a while for him to show up, and so she found herself smiling and chuckling to herself as she imagined that he was possibly meeting with someone. It must be something important to garner his whole attention to say the least. Though it was strange, her heart was racing in her chest, some instinct kicked off, but she soon calmed herself enough to smile and find a seat in one of the chairs. Folding her hands into her lap as she decided to wait. Even if perhaps she felt a little ...embarassed.

Was this not a good place to call him to?

She tried not to worry about it, and rather she sat dutifully as she waited patiently.

Waiting for him to show up.
The moon waiting for her sun to rise and bless her with the morning.

It wasn't immediate. It was several hours before she began to feel questions bud within her mind again. Ticks in the back of her mind that told her that this wasn't normal. But she simply told herself that everything was alright. she would be patient, as was the duty of the Moon.

Her sun would rise. No matter what.



But as the sun set.... and rose. The true literal sun. A slow and cold weight slowly began to grip within Santa's chest. First it was confusion, and ultimately she decided to take it upon herself to figure out what was going on. She closed her eyes and spoke his name one more time. And as it left her lips, she reached out toward the part of herself she'd bequeathed to the god. The piece she had given to him in exchange. IN this very space. With the promise that she would forever be able to find him.

And she felt...nothing.

Nothing but the first, cold pang in her chest as she felt a brief moment of sheer panic. Something had to be wrong. Something wasn't right. And yet as she focused harder and harder, even as she began to pump her energy into the effort. Even as she tore the air around her. Until the air screamed with the low yawn of garganta opening around her and giving way to the furthest reaches. Openbing up to Hueco Mundo. To the Soul Society. Even to the Cathedral she'd made within the Valley of Screams. To try and shorten the distance between her and wherever he might be. As thought to wipe away some interference. And just as quickly, the air yawned back shut, and she was sweating as she felt dread clutch her heart.

She didn't feel him.
He was gone.

And in that moment, she remembered the very news he had once delivered to her. The very news that had driven her from that point to further herself as far as she HAD. And once again, she felt tears burn their way into her eyes. Her hands clutched at her chest and she slowly hunched into herself. This couldn't be right. It wasn't POSSIBLE. It was Mazda. The Sun. The Light above. She'd DONE this so that she could never lose him. So that he would never be lost. That she would NEVER need be unsure of that which she cherished. He was the strongest. She'd only grown MORE sure of that the more time she had spent with him! Nobody could have ended him.

But he was gone. She didn't have to ask someone. She didn't need to call out pleading that someone would heed her and give her the news that would hurt her. She had given that task to herself.

And she hated it.

And as hot salt stung her eyes and ran down her cheeks in soft lines of dew. she slowly sank to her knees. She bowed her head. Clutched her hands together, even as her shoulders shook. As her heart ached. And her tears stung. She mustered all of the strength she had inside of her. All of her will, her focus. All od her Desperation, that had been the totality of her existence as a hollow.

And she pleaded.

"Mazda....please."

The words were.....confirmation. And some small part of her....hated when she felt that within her. The faintest glimmer from that piece still inside of her. As she heard that soft....gentle apology cast her way. His Final Moments.

Why couldn't she be stupid? Why did she have to understand what he meant when he said that? She'd changed.... so much. And she knew that the old her would have smiled. Would have leapt up to her feet....clutching her chest in joy that she could still hear him. Still bear this tiny part of him.

But she understood this all far too well. This was but an echo of what he was. And as that apology trailed in her heart, her expression twisted into slow despair. He wasn't busy. He wasn't lost. He was gone. Her hands gripped together tighter, and she felt the soft, hot patter of her tears over her knuckles, still on her knees. As her chest tightened up, and she slowly shook her head.
"What do you mean? You make it sound.....like you knew this was coming." Her voice strained as she struggled to keep down that sadness.

"You were my sun. I know... that I wasn't ....everything to you. The way you were to me." She struggled, shaking her head slowly. "I didn't save you ...the way that you saved me. If you had to ....I know you would have killed me. For the ...the good of what you had to do. I was prepared. To die..... or ....somehow ...that I might have to do something about you. I'm just a mortal. Just another damn twisted hollow. And You were the sun." She shut her eyes tightly, and felt her heart quake in her chest. Her eyes slowly opening up.

"But you made me feel like the moon. You made me feel special. You weren't supposed to go on without me." Her hands shook as she forced the words out of her mouth, as much as she just wanted to crumple to the floor, and weep in silence. "I only accepted this piece of you... because it made us even. I never thought.....that this would be all that was left...." She brought her hands to her chest... and clutched at her heart where she had always kept that part of him.

"This is where you became everything to me. This is where you and I became one." She sniffled, and slowly looked up to the ceiling above her, and then out toward the window at her side. To the dull....voiceless.... uncaring sun that rose outside.

"How do I say goodbye to myself?"

Oh how it stung to hear him. And still...she coulnd't help but cling to her chest....almost digging her fingers in. As if to hold that spot more tightly might let her feel his flesh beneath her hands just once more. And she paused..... slowly opening her eyes as she listened to those gentle words that echoed from her soul.

The Soul King? She could feel the slow slip of information that coursed through her at the name. Ajora knew plenty about that, and she couldn't help but slowly clench her fist. This was all....for the Balance? Her knuckles grew white as she closed her eyes and the muscles in her neck tightened. And those tears flowed all the more freely. And yet.... as he continued to spoke. His words soothed her. She didn't know if she should believe him. Maybe Ajora would have told her that she should not have. Because......after all.

This was not Mazda. This was Mazda....without SO much that had made him Mazda. This was the attachment he had given to her, this gift that was just for her. And she slowly rose up to her feet, the air peeling apart before her as she stepped into it's waiting maw.



"I wish I could still believe that..." She smiled gently to herself, as tears still freshly poured down her cheeks, still holding onto her chest and sighing softly, imagining her beloved sun in her arms. "Once upon a time....I would have been over the moon to hear this. My love. My Sun. To holds you forever. But we both know that you aren't the man that I fell for. You're.... akin to a memory. An Echo. But I guess.... I can't really blame others...for just being a remnant." She admitted with a soft smile, raising her head as they arrived. A vast brilliant pale castle. One that had taken such time to prepare. That had so poorly once held the destructive remains of yet another of the World's most terrible enemies. One that she also.....had cherished more than most. But not so much as she had cherished Mazda. And to that she smiled a soft and bitter little smile.

"You know.... we barely knew eachother for .... a year? Maybe even less than that. I wonder if you knew just how short our time together would be. I wonder....how much we really knew eachother. I never knew the burdens you clung to. I had no idea where you even came from. And even you... my Benevolent Sun.... knew almost nothing about from whence I'd come. I wonder sometimes if Ajora keeps that from me as well." She sniffled softly, a gentle and rueful smile as she walked past the Coffin which had once held Algos' remains. And instead stepped up to the throne behind it. One that a part of herself had sat within. To watch over what had once been her world. But truly....what could have been considered 'All she had Left in this World'.....seemed to change so very quickly.

"Do you know where we are?" She asked softly, smiling as she asked such a thing. "You probably know more about it than I do. But this place.... Ajora says it's called a Valley of Screams. I wonder if that is a lie..... it's always so peaceful here. It feels like a place full of ....people. I could never figure it out. People yet to be born.... people who faded away.... maybe they simply were never allowed to be born. But every one of them.....was all but forgotten. I've made a place here....because it keeps me from feeling lonely." She noted gently, closing her eyes as she let out a soft and gentle sigh. "This. Is where I laid to rest your most hated enemy. When she was extinguished..... I felt that these lost and forgotten souls could keep her company." She sighed, shaking her head slowly as the grip on herself slowly lessened, until only the fingers of her left hand remained resting over her heart.

And as she looked upon that throne, for just a moment.... she considered simply sitting in it. To simply rest here. She was so tired. Could she not simply sit here.... and spend her days with what she had left of Mazda? She smiled to herself. "I wanted to make a world where I wouldn't have to be separated from those I cherished. I was prepared even to challenge you for that. If you had told me what you were going to do. I might have even tried to stop you. Just to keep you to myself. I'm such a selfish girl, aren't I?" She shook her head, and looked to the throne. Within it's seat slithered pale ivory that crept up it's length like ivy and slowly slithered into the shape she wished. Using just a small part of herself to grow her garden. Into a likeness she had enjoyed so very often. Until before her sat a pale statue of bone. The Sun she had become the Moon for. And in that very same moment, a flower peeled from her chest. Gentle leaves of flesh budding from her sternum. A beautiful blossom made from herself. Ant at it's very center....shined Mazda. All that was left of him.... at least. And as she held that flower aloft, her tears slowed to a stop, her eyes slowly shifting from that bright yellow to the pale blue he had once fallen in love with. A veil of thin particles cascading from her form as that skin tanned by the light of the sun gave way to her own pale flesh.

Ever so gently, she reached out, and set that flower in the statue's hair, it's roots anchoring to the likeness that she had grown so fond of.

"You may not be really Mazda. But I still love you all the same. So much... that I don't think I can bear to keep you close forever. I don't think....I'd have the strength to do anything but cling to what's left of you. To close my eyes.... and hear your voice telling me it's alright." She shook her head, and sighed. Oh how much she still wished to do that. To spend a thousand years in his small remaining warmth. "But I can't let that happen. Just as much as I can't just throw you away. So I'll leave you here. Where I keep everything that is precious to me." She smiled, gently reaching out .... and caressing that pale facsimile along the cheek. It wasn't quite as handsome as the real thing.

"You have given almost everything for this world. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of eternity looking after me. The Santa you fell in love with wasn't the one that broke down and wept on her knees. It was the woman who picked herself back up. I would never rob you of her." She wiped her eyes until they were dry. Until the tears no longer stained her face.

She turned around, and stared out into the thin glass window that Ajora had helped her make. One that looked out into the soft, pale darkness that the rest of this little valley consisted of.

"You have given me a gift. I don't know just how much. but the world feels....different. Less in pain. If nothing else..... its a step toward the world I've always wanted. The world I decided to make, the night that you saved me. You've done so much more than pave the way. In the end....I guess I still couldn't achieve my goal without your power. No matter how much I didn't want it's help." She smiled at that.

"Wait for me here. One day......when my work is done. I'll bring you back. I'll make a world that could accept even the cruel sun into it's arms.

I promise."