Fear Not My Abyss [Liltotto/SOLO]

Like a haze of white noise, a ceaseless patter of rain struck her window as she lied on the couch, the dull roars of thunder clashing in the distance, briefly lighting the dark sky with streaking hands of light. The past few days had been on the contemplative side for the woman, even in her quiet moments she felt restless and full of thoughts and feelings she hadn't had in... Well, ages. For a being who lacked the need for sleep, it was proving to be tiring, thinking of her weeks here, the people she met, the feelings towards those people, all manner of avenues involving those people...

It was pushing her to the point where she was entertaining the idea of meditation; she was never a fan of it, something about the practice always proved to make her uncomfortable and disassociated, but she considered perhaps a little disconnect would help at least distance herself from what she was experiencing, at least til she could figure some means to quiet her mind down.

Soon, the lights were off, the only source of visibility being the dull glow of the window across from her, until her phone screen flicked on with her touch, tapping through a few screens to pull up a kind of video that always seemed to put her at ease, soon the rain and the pulsing rhythms of the ocean emanating from her phone were all that accompanied her.

"..God this is stupid," She'd mumble as she'd lie down, already feeling a sense of reluctance towards the activity, but decided such reservations were her being childish. She'd remember all those dumb instructions the videos or the occasional companion would give, closing her eyes, relaxing her body in a comfortable position, and focusing on her breathing rather than her thoughts.

But rather than ceasing at that familiar feeling of drifting, she let herself slip.

And sink.

And sink.

What followed could only be described as the absence of thought.

Darkness surrounded her, but even that wasn't correct - she was the darkness, yet at some level, acknowledging it at the same time.

It felt so odd, yet so familiar, like a memory buried so far in the back of her mind that it could not be so ordinarily or readily retrieved. Only in a state like this would it become obvious to her. The songs of deep currents, the weight of water pounding down on her form, the darkness of the only thing that had ever managed to swallow her whole.

Her eyes slid open, awareness regained, yet she did not feel how she typically did... She felt large, spread out, unfocused, the only definite shape being a sea of simple eyes with dark pupils, hands, and tendrils reaching up aimlessly to grab anything unlucky enough to venture too closely. She didn't look upon her form with terror or worry, but rather curiosity,

...What is this?
My form.

It wasn't quite another being answering back It was her voice, or rather a voice that felt like her's, but at the same time it didn't feel like the same instance as her. The same being, yet feeling so different.

What am I doing?
Feeding.
Why is that?
I hunger.
Why?
I am the abyss. No matter what I take, I cannot be satiated.
Why have I decided to fall so far into myself?

It was becoming increasingly difficult to tell which instance was asking what, but both voices were momentarily silent in thought.

I feel conflicted.
Why is that?
The World has changed. The Quincy are renewed. I do not understand why I cannot feel restful.
I know why I do not feel at ease.
Why is that?
I fear.

Both voices were silent for a moment once more. Perhaps even afraid to divulge on that feeling, but...

What do I fear?
I fear myself. I fear for others. I fear for the world.
I feared that man. My kin of ill origins. His power, his ideals, his pride. It ultimately ended him. I hold that same fear for the newling, his time may be shorter than he is willing to consider if he continues as he is.
I feared for the Quincy. It was only a matter of time before the reapers figured how to wipe them away. They are the ones affixed to the throne of reality, not we. We are but bugs, parasites to the world they hail.
I fear... I fear... I cannot help but fear...

Once more, silence met the two instances.

... And what did that fear bring me?
Nothing but suffering.
I feared being more. All that I held dear was cast into the maw of death.
My mother was reduced to nothing by their blade. All I felt that day was a weight greater than the sea could ever place upon me.
I feared being found. I hid, I wasted decades in slumber, decades I could have spent bringing my people back together. There was time... If I hadn't assumed them lost...
...Is this how I wish to live? Trapped beneath the weight of my regrets and sins? A hostage of the past? Sitting idly by as the world falls countless more times? Afraid of what I may become if I dare step out?

...No. I have held so little faith in myself for far too long. I am not enraptured by arrogance and power. I will only destroy myself if I allow this stillness to continue.
Then what do I wish to be? If change is to befall me, what may I become?

Silence held her one final time.

Their guardian.
The past will stifle me no longer.
I must grow.