Feels like Forever [Alastair, Sophie]

Alastair had of course meant to say it as soon as he walked in the door, but the problem with his statement had already soared well over his head. The thought that she might misinterpret it was lost on him, and that was perhaps why he bristled as she shooed him away. It had just been a mistake in the heat of the moment, after all, and he was reading too much into this. Despite the confusion, he was not stupid enough to dig his heels in and collapsed back into the sofa at her request. Truthfully his body was still tired, a dull ache that clawed at the ends of his nerves.

His whole expression softened as the conversation shifted to talk of Jefferson. He sat forwards on the sofa, hunched over the end a little as if he was bundling himself up, and looked first to Sophie before turning to a distant stare at the far wall.

"It wasn't a battle."

There was a chill to those few words, making them far darker than they needed to be. A rasping to his tone that blended annoyance with despair. Sophie might note that, in all the time they had spoken since they had met, it was the first time he had abbreviated a word. A curious little tick, but one that he had kept in check until this very moment. He turned back to look at her, and there was something truly raw about how he held himself like he was on the verge of revealing something deeper. Something that still ate away at him from the inside. He exhaled, a long and exacerbated sigh before his mood settled again.

"Casualty rate at eighty percent, walking wounded a further fifteen. I have seen combat before, so have you, but this was not that. It was a butchery. We went in blind, understaffed and underequipped, and paid the price for that hubris."

His words hung in the air for a moment before he sucked in his chest again and offered up the meekest of smiles.

"Sorry, Sophie, I did not mean to drop that on you. I guess I had just been bottling it up and you were the first to really ask."

How did she respond to that? Sophie never really thought of herself as good at taking care of people. It's why she wasn't doing medical work in the Vandenreich outside of combat. Teaching people were fine because there wasn't really that aspect of her work so it took her a bit to try and think of what to say.

After a bit of thinking she thought that an action might say more than her words could and she leaned in to pull him into an embrace, being the only girl in the her family didn't really help her with comforting people. If anything she probably would've been told to suck it up and stop crying but that definitely wasn't going to be what she said here.

"It's alright. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you to be honest."

He knew he had said too much, he knew that he had as soon as his mouth had shut. It was his own selfishness that had brought him here tonight, dropped all of that on Sophie at barely the slightest hint of some acknowledgement. She was nice and she liked him, at least enough to let him into her apartment at the drop of a hat, and he had chanced it all on a few stupid words.

All that and more played in Alastair's head, masked behind a smile and a deep stare. He went to talk again, his lips just about parting, and then she pulled him towards her. Ill thoughts dissipated slowly as he tumbled into her arms for the second time tonight. The gesture spoke volumes about where her head was at, and he had not driven her away with it.

"It was not a good experience, and I just needed to get it out of my system. But I am glad I came back to you."

He was not used to being open with anyone. Even with himself. Was it relieving, having someone that he could talk to about things like this?

It was a little nice like this, not exactly what she was anticipating for their next meeting after his departure but she couldn't really say that she was upset about it. It was really nice this way. She was thinking a little bit about the coming back to her, how much was he thinking of her in the butchery? Was she like an inspiration.

Sophie smiled a little bit to herself while thinking about it.

"Me too. You can stay here a bit if you want. Would you like something to drink?"

It wasn't that she was going to break the embrace immediately but she'd note whatever he asked for to go make when one of them did pull back.

Holding her there, or rather being held by her, Alastair felt his heart begin to race. For all the effort he put into masking his expressions and burying his feelings, he could not hide his heartbeat. Perhaps she might notice, they were rather close after all, but it was not exactly something just anyone might notice. She had always been on his mind ever since that first unorthodox meeting, maybe not at the forefront but certainly lingering somewhere at the back with enough of a presence that it could be said she had kept him going. Though those were thoughts that he had no intention of sharing quite yet.

He did not even want to move but raised his head up to meet hers when she spoke. It was probably the closest their faces had been, not that he had any outward intention of doing anything more than responding but the point was not lost on Alastair.

"As long as I am not an inconvenience, I would like to stay. As for a drink, just something hot might be welcome but there is no need to rush."

There was a funny feeling as his head moved, not unpleasant but just a teensy bit alien and different. It was a small surprise but she didn't flinch or react to the feeling. It just surprised her a little. Craning her neck just a bit to look down at him.

"It's alright. I don't mind."

She had the thought in her head that there was actually work sitting there on the table she should be doing instead and that this was in some form or another, regardless of how well-meaning the gesture was for an excuse, procrastination on her part.

"I'll make something later then."

Quietly thinking about the scene a bit more it occurred to her that she never really had any guys here. Besides subordinates that were delivering things to her but that didn't involve coming inside. Actually he was the first one and that made her feel a momentary feeling of vulnerability that her inner world that her room represented was on full display. She did clean up before he came in right? No... not really.

At least he wasn't going to be going in her room so it wasn't like he'd see the mess of clothes on the floor and bed not made.

He held her gaze until it seemed like her mind had wandered elsewhere, before returning to his previous position. A quiet exhale escaped his lips but he settled on her shoulder once more. It likely should not have been as comfortable as it was, the angle they were at was somewhat impractical, but Alastair did not seem to care. Eventually, his eyes did fall upon the paperwork that covered her table and a small feeling of guilt grew within his chest.

"This is not exactly the second date I envisaged."

He thought about laughing but, instead, just let the words hang there. It truly was quite different from their previous meetings. Suddenly so personal and intimate. Though it was not entirely his own doing, the tone of their relationship had shifted ever so slightly. A little more than work colleagues.

"It did put a few things into perspective, brushing a little close with death that is. I do not know when I will be quite done processing it all."

Second date huh? It was a bit like that she supposed. Weren't you supposed to go out on dates outside rather than something like this? It was a little nerve racking to think about. Was she doing it right? Should she say they should go anywhere? That'd be really awkward to bring that up now though. It was making her beat her head for navigating this situation. At least she was dressed now though. That was the saving grace for her.

"If you told me I'd have done something better..."

Now she felt sheepish like she should've been better prepared for this moment.

"Could I help you process it? I know I'm not really a therapist or anything but I don't like leaving people to fend for their own."

"You do not need to do anything more, the fault is mine for stopping by unannounced."

There was a tension to the atmosphere that seemed to weigh upon them both as they sat there, perhaps it was a mutual worry that they were doing something wrong.

Had it been a mistake to come here?

The beat of her heart against the side of his head as he leaned into her shoulder told him otherwise. He had chosen to come here rather than be at home, alone with his thoughts. That was because he wanted to be with her. To be with someone that cared about him, to be with someone he cared about. Did she know that he felt that way, now did not feel like the right time to even bring it up anyway.

"Jefferson... I do not really know where to start... Why did I come back when so many of the others did not? Eats away at me a bit."

She smiled at him while staring at his face, just looking at his features. It made her heart race just a little but he didn't notice right?

"Sometimes things just happen. There's no real explanation but I think we try and make reasons for it like we survive for a reason, it's fate or that we were lucky. I think things just happen because they do..."

Sophie was never really the type to believe in some higher power or predestined path to decide that who lived or died. All you could do was just keep on fighting and fighting and more fighting. Every day was just another battle to keep breathing.

After a small moment of letting her answer linger she had to avert her gaze and the small blush spilling on her cheeks. She really wished that she wasn't so hesitant with things like this, things like what?