A Perfectly Normal Conversation [Minerva, Abalia]

Abalia gave Minerva's explanation her full attention, and as she listened, only one thing came to her mind:

She had, surely, never felt this way.

She had never been excited to see Desmond return home, never experienced any of this warmth or certain elation at his touch. She had accepted it, allowed it, even enjoyed the feeling of intimacy in the moment--but, it could not possibly have been compared to the love that she had claimed it to be. it was almost difficult for her to grasp, in all honesty, if only because she had become so complacent in it.

"I see. That sounds thoroughly pleasant, Minerva. I cannot say that I have been with any others but my husband, but I can only say that I have certainly not felt anything such as that."

It was almost resigned, the way Abalia answered her. What else could she say? She did not wish to be dismissive of Minerva's words, and she was quite genuinely glad to know that she and Julian could share that, that Alex and Nelliel likely had such passion as well. But to be faced with such a simple, firm understanding that she did not love her husband bordered on agonizing for one such as Abalia. It felt...

"I feel as though I have failed myself."

Not words like that, it was painful to hear from Abalia. The passionate little lovebird that she was felt miserable for the woman and only make the hug tighter while she tried not to grimace for her when she said that she felt like she had failed herself.

"No... Don't say that, Abalia. Please don't feel that way."

It was more for her than the woman in her arms, someone with as much empathy as her couldn't handle it to imagine her so miserable and pained.

"Listen. You haven't failed yourself, you're so strong and kind. Don't blame yourself for this, you tried. You tried hard to convince yourself and you shouldn't regret that, ever. If you hadn't tried then you'd never know, you'd have spent your life wondering if you could've loved him rather than if you had tried."

It probably didn't do much to help her feel better about the fact she hadn't been able to, all Minerva could try and do was help her accept that fact and come to terms with it. History was written now and the ink didn't get wiped away.

"Do you really yearn for love and passionate romance? Please think about it, Abalia. If you don't want it, then please don't try and force it into yourself because you think that is good for others... it's not, for you or him."

Minerva didn't want to say it, it wouldn't help. It'd only hurt her more if she put into words how cruel she thought it was; if only because of naivety did she think Abalia did it, but it was tragic in her mind. Some poor man that most assuredly loved her with everything and rather than let him accept the reality of her she fed into that fantasy and made him think she did, or could return those feelings.

"I did try, yes. I tried rather hard, if I am being honest, and I think that is the worst part of what I have done. That I put forth such efforts into something I never truly believed could succeed. I lied to myself, to those I called my friends, and to the man that I married. I find it difficult not to think ill of such actions."

Unlike Minerva, Abalia had no qualms about speaking in this way. She did not mind being so openly and directly critical of herself when she felt it necessary, and this was certainly a time where it seemed appropriate. To have built so much upon the back of delusions made her feel as though she had abandoned her most fundamental morals.

"No, I do not. I never have, and I doubt that I ever will. I had never even considered a future with any sort of lover until the day I chose to marry. There is no appeal in it for me, no drive to hold another in my arms or any sort of passionate desire. Had I lived the rest of my life without so much as a kiss, I would not have even for a moment been disappointed or felt an ounce of regret."

Abalia was perfectly willing to let Minerva simply hold her closer. She found such a presence rather comforting.

"I simply wished to know that I had within me the same heart as those I sought to protect. But I think all I have found is that I have nothing of the sort."

She bit her lip when she heard the brutal words she didn't want to say come from the source instead. Minerva held her and thought for a bit, letting seconds drag onto minutes while calmly thinking about Abalia. It seemed grim until she smiled to herself and ran her hand through Abalia's hair soothingly.

"You know, Abalia. I think that's the best part about you."

Shifting her position so that she could be pull the woman up from her bosom and to her face before kissing her on the forehead and giving her a bright smile. Maybe the kiss was a little cheeky retort to her comment of going her life without a kiss. Minerva meant it though like how she would kiss the children's heads reassuringly.

"You're the most noble person I know. You know what I think? I think that you can't find that love for a single person because you can't imagine someone more important to you than everyone else. The people you stand up for and do everything for, you care about them. You can't tell me you feel nothing looking back at all your accomplishment, the way you're bringing new light to the Rukongai and the people in it. The children that are lost in the cruel nature of the cycle of reincarnation and left to fend for themselves."

This felt right. Try and help her what she hated about herself as a positive thing because it was. If she truly felt the love like Minerva did for Julian then that person would always be more important than everyone else. Minerva could hide behind her noble cause and everything she had done for the Rukongai but even she struggled to see the point where if she was offerred Julian in the past but give up the coalition's cause because she knew that she would give it up for him.

"Julian is my world, Abalia. If I lost him I would feel empty, I wouldn't be the me I am anymore and life would become a tedious, a miserable shallow thing for me. My love for him is like a flock of birds but if those birds flew away and I never saw them again..."

Her eyes were watery just thinking about it and it choked her up a little, enough that she didn't continue but she hoped that Abalia understood what she meant. There was nothing wrong not wanting love, there were upsides to a cold heart and she shouldn't hate that about herself and so she tried to get her composure back enough that she could get her next bit out...

"Please, don't get lost in your agony. You're such a special woman."

Minerva's words could not have been more correct. Abalia herself had all but spoken them years ago, that she could never favor one person so greatly over all others. She had simply taken herself to be incorrect, but that had been a foolish notion.

"I have always cared for the people. The common good, the happiness of those who cannot secure it themselves, will forever be my greatest pride and my most fervent aim. I suppose pursuing love and passion, simply because I am reassured that surely I can feel it, has only guided me away from those ideals. I have been too selfish, far too selfish."

It was quite apparent to her that Minerva was becoming very emotional on this topic, and Abalia certainly had not intended for that. Perhaps in part because it only further reminded her of what she could not feel.

"I will do my utmost to remember your words, Minerva."

"Don't think of it as selfish. It's not an easy thing for anyone to be confronted with, love isn't something you should be upset about that you tried to have."

The hopeless romantic that she was didn't like to hear it, it wasn't right that she should be beating herself up over this but she felt like she had conveyed what she wanted to convey and was content to just lay on the couch with Abalia in her arms to give her that intimate comfort that Minerva knew she didn't take as much emotionally out of but hoped that she understood why.

"Would you like to stay for dinner, Abalia? Yuri has put a lot of effort into trying to develop her cooking skills."

Dinner was the smallest thing she'd offer, the woman in her arms was welcome to stay the night as far as she was concerned except that she might wake up with a little child sneaking in with her if it did happen. Minerva was just content to spend more time with her though. Things like this were nice, those perfectly normal conversations people had.

"I suppose not. Perhaps I hold myself to impossible standards."

That, ultimately, was maybe more painful for Abalia to admit than anything else. That she simply could not be everything she sought to, that it was unreasonable even for her to take on every responsibility she could for the sake of others. She had done her best, and her best had simply not been enough.

"Dinner does sound pleasant. I would like to go home briefly and bring Nastya over as well, if you do not mind. I think it would be good for her to see other children."

This place, for lack of a better word, felt like a home to Abalia. It reminded her so very much of her days before the Gotei, before Vastime, when she had simply lived as a woman of the Rukongai and done what little she could in that position. It was difficult for her not to wonder, in light of this conversation, if she had been closer to happiness in those days.

"I think you do and it's not good to have such high expecations of yourself. Remember, you are the Captain Commander but you're not perfect."

Minerva was one of the people that didn't believe in perfection being attainable, even if she heard people layer her in envy and compliments about her body when she was younger she had never felt like she was perfect. There were still aspects of both her character and body she wasn't happy with until she grew to accept those things were part of her.

"Of course! Yes, yes. I'd love to see Nastya and how much she has grown."

It was organised and set, now Minerva was getting herself up and out of under Abalia. It was a nice embrace she thought but the woman of the house had work to do now while grinning at her guest. She was looking forward to dinner.