Finding peace and ones self [open]

Flames surrounded him in every direction as he neared the light at the end of the tunnel. Screaming could be heard around him as he moved forward, and finally he was out. Humongous hands wrapped around him, the screaming had stopped and the flames had died down somewhat. Able to see through them now, it was at that moment that the man turned him so he could see where he had come from. Laying on the bed before him was the remains of the woman who had given birth to him, turned to nothing but ashes.

“AAAAAAH!!!!”

Aish Iramasha jerked awake, panting heavily as his red eyes quickly zoomed about his surroundings. He realized he was in a wide open field just outside the entrance gates on Iramasha Island. Slowly he pulled his legs to his chest, emotions swirling around inside him. It was the dream that he always had here, the moment of his life that would haunt him forever. With a soft sigh Aish laid his forehead against his knees, black jeans separating flesh from flesh. His red hair fluttered in the breeze as tears formed in his eyes despite his attempts to hold them back. Slowly his time on Iramasha Island had wittled down his emotional fortitude, and no longer could he withhold the torrent of emotions that were held within him. As tears streamed down his face, he raised it to the sky, pain marring his features as his voice called out to the sky.

“WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW ME THIS? WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!”

His shouts finally finished, his head slumped back down on to his knees. Tears streamed freely down his face, the emotions pouring freely from the young iramasha. After a few minutes, he sniffled and then mumbled softly words he meant for only his ears.

“I hate being on this stupid island…”

"Aish Iramasha..."

A single name left the lips of a single male, the wind coursing and surging across the plains. The male, without any doubt, was a ninja. That much was plain and clear. He was a sneaky ninja, as there was no way for Aish to detected his approach, despite the fact that he was sitting on a boulder directly to the right of the individual. "Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are catharis, as the wise man Aristotle once stated." The male breathed out, his garment even something of a ninja.

"For some time now, I've noticed your stress. What are you truly stressed about? What do you have to truly be afraid of? Is the answer to these questions something you truly, truly desire to leave your system? Are you searching for catharis?" Kabuto Iramasha asked the young male before him. His purple eyes were aged with experience, and were deemed fit to look directly into those of the male should he look up at the Iramasha. "After all, you are not the only one to have suffered. Suffering is universal. That is what catharis means. Would you like to hear my 'confession'?" He asked the male before him, his lips not in a smile or frown, but simply laying upon his face.

By confession, he of course meant the story of his life. A long and bothersome thing to most, but to be able to expose all of it, to reveal those burdens to another, was the greatest way that Kabuto Iramasha had ever found to resolve his sadness. "When I am finished, you may do yours as well, if you desire. You do not know me well, but I know you, but not all of you. Information is my passion, but I am also an Angel. And the suffering you carry within your bosom has been concerning me ever since you appeared on this island."

The male's eyes were gentle, and if Aish were to look him in the eyes, he would be met with an almost fatherly expression. Truly, Kabuto did this best of all. Being a father was the one thing he never got to do in life, but dealing with the young and children was his greatest service. It was such a concern that had lead him to this male known as Aish Iramasha, and why he felt equipped to help the young being.

Aish’s head jerked up as he heard his name, a growl leaving his lips. His face contorted in pain with a slight mix of anger, he looked upon the man before him for a few seconds before returning his head to its previous position. Despite all the emotions flooding him causing him to want nothing more than to lash out, he knew deep down just how horribly that would go. He had been practically forced to join the iramasha guard by Toki, and his stay here could be made awfully unpleasant. Attacking this certain man would most definitely do it. Instead he listened, emotions churning beneath the surface as the man spoke. Why did this idiotic iramasha believe that he would talk to him? It was well known that Aish hated his stay here on Iramasha Island and hated most iramasha as well. To believe that he would trust this fool? No, it was not something that Aish would have normally done. However, his heart ached to tell someone, to divulge at least one of the secrets that pained him. Sighing softly, Aish spoke, his voice soft and slightly muffled due to his body still being curled up.

“What do I have to be afraid of? What stresses me out? There are plenty of things, plenty of pain that wanders in my past. The horrors there, the ones I can’t escape, they’ll haunt me for all eternity, in a way that death never will. Go ahead, tell your story, but don’t expect anything from me in return. The only way I’d even consider telling you everything is if you got me out of this stupid, idiotic job and off this shitty floating hunk of dirt.”

With that said, Aish slowly lifted his head, resting his chin on his knees. Looking out at the sky beyond, a look of longing formed on his face even as tears continued to fall from his eyes. Half his mind would listen to what the man had to say, the other was filled with his troubles and thoughts of the open sky.

"…" The male was silent as he viewed Aish's reaction. In all honesty, Kabuto knew that self-control was both a blessing and a curse. It was what had allowed him to keep his life after his wife was slain, but it prevented him from gaining vengeance over her death. In all honesty, he didn't know what he even wanted to think.

"...Sounds like there's two things you need, then." The Angel Iramasha said gently as Aish finished explaining to him, before seeing him lift his head up to look at the sky."Well then, my confession." The male stated as he laid back on the rock, his hands sliding behind his head.

"I was born an orphan. I have no mother or father to bind me to family ties. As such, I have no direct relatives, and no direct contact with anyone. I grew up alone, totally and completely by myself. However, I made due. My ability to use and gather information was, at the time exceptional, so I could make a living for myself. Alone. There was nothing there. It was an empty existence, hollow. All I did was kill my targets and layer the one room I could afford with cards of information. I was not happy. I was simply making due."

For a moment, the male paused. He honestly didn't know what Aish was thinking about it, or what his own circumstances were like before Kabuto met him. However, it was true that the male saw him as yet another child of the Iramasha, and he'd seen enough tragic stories with children of the Iramasha to last him a lifetime.

"The one change that happened to me was the day I met my wife. She worked with me, and was the first person who attempted to get to know me, for me. The rest o the squad largely ignored me, but she… Her curiosity lead her to me, and that's likely what led her to her death." The male paused for another moment, before sitting up, looking Aish in the eyes. "I loved her, and she loved me. WE married, and I was truly happy, probably for the first time in my life. My room became clean, all the massive amounts of cards that held information that I didn't need being thrown away and discarded. We were looking into getting a house, I finally felt a sense of ambition, embracing the fact that I was an Angel Iramasha… And then we found out that she was pregnant with our child. Not just one, but two, twins."

He paused once again, as the words became more difficult for him to get out. This was what it meant to perform a confession the likes of which Kabuto was talking about, concealing nothing, no matter how painful or shameful. "Then she… she was put on maternity leave. But her squadron still was going on missions. I also tried to prevent her from going, but my wife… her work was largely her life. She was approaching the delivery date when I came home one day after seeing her squad off for a mission… and she wasn't… there." The male almost choked, his gaze looking down at the ground now, totally sitting up.

"...She had gone with her squad to complete the mission… and when I chased after her… they had been ambushed. Her entire squad was slaughtered, and her… she laid there, her stomach slashed open… our children, unborn and incomplete, laying there in so much of their mother's blood. They were all dead by the time I… arrived. Rage, hatred consumed me. I hated the ones who had done tis, and I hated myself for letting her go. For being involved with her, for causing her to be burdened by our children in her womb…"

The male paused, his eyes unable to be seen off the refraction of his glasses. "...After that is blank. I worked, and only worked. The deal for the house I was trying to get fell through. I couldn't put any effort into anything but working. The information cards didn't return because I wasn't making any. And one day, I woke up on a hospital bed. A hospital bed, on earth. There, I met a man named Shadin Yuudeshi, who imprinted his network's link within my mind. That woke me up. For the first time I looked around, and realized that my people were in chaos. Yes, I hated the system that had killed my wife, but the system alone was not to blame. It was also myself for not staying with her when I knew more about her than anyone. I allowed myself to become blinded, so I decided to try to change that." The male finished, before looking up at the sky.

"My friend Koichi had children. Real children, and I became their godfather. I love them like my own, and fear for them growing within the household of the Demon Iramasha. I can't run from my purpose, the purpose I've found of aiding those damaged by this hellish island we call home. I am not an Angel, I am an Iramasha, and to me, that's what matters…' The male finished at last, before drawing his own knees up to his chin.

"A purpose and a sense of belonging… both are needed for mental stability to be achieved. Is that not correct?"

As Aish listened to the man’s story, his heart ached with pain, memories of his own past dragged up by the man’s retelling. Sure, Aish’s father had never been confirmed dead, but he had up and vanished after Aish’s birth. For once in his life he felt he could speak of his pain, allow himself some relief from the horrors of his past. Should he though? He had done this to himself, he was the one who brought this situation about. He was a murderer, a cold hearted killer, for who else could kill their own mother? This man also hated the system, or so he said, but perhaps he was right in saying the system was not to blame? And so he made his decision, and once the man finished his story, Aish spoke up.

“If both a purpose and a sense of belonging are needed for mental stability, then I will never be mentally stable. My tale is one that started long ago, several life times ago. Why you would even bother attempting to help me is beyond my understanding. I’m a murderer, have been ever since I entered this world. I arrived in death, my own flames burning my mother to ashes from the inside. It seems fitting though, doesn’t it? For the phoenix to be born unto the world, a life must be given. In fire and ashes the phoenix shall rise, wings unwilling to be restrained. Fighting against the cage, the phoenix shall find solace in companionship, unable to find love without knowing itself. Well, after that my father disappeared and I grew up alone. I saw as time passed, my eventual death drawing nearer and nearer. Did you know my lifespan is exactly fifty years long, to the second? I can always see it, my life dwindling away as the years pass on, the passage of time as my flame dims. Anyways, I think I’ve told you enough for now. I just want to get away from this stupid island. Having to relive my mother’s dying screams the night after a rebirth is enough for me, reliving it every time I sleep is too much.”

With that said he once more hid his face against his legs, emotions tumbling over within him as tears streamed freely from his eyes. Even as they did he felt his heart lift slightly, as if a small weight had been removed from it. Still there were other weights upon his heart, but at least one had been removed.

"…"

Kabuto was silent, totally silent as he explained himself to Kabuto. The young man's words went from his lips into Kabuto's ears, and the male took all of them in equality. The male's eyes slowly closed at the end of the male's retelling, before seeing the tears that were coming from his eyes. "...Here." The male said as he reached his hands out, hugging Aish and holding the younger Iramasha , gently patting the young man's back until they calmed down again, before letting him go once more, sitting back down on the rock and looking at the ground. It was something he was used to doing for the kids he watched, and as such he knew how to not impose himself on the other but just attempt to make them feel better from the contact of another living being.

"...Motherhood. It sounds like you had a relationship. The only thing… I would say is… look at your motivations behind your words. First…" The male paused for a moment, taking out a handkerchief and handing it to Aish. "...To desire something… is the same as to will that reality, and allows for that reality to become true, some day. I think… You do desire that. You don't want to be like this, lonely and destitute, war all around your body and in your mind. Like any of us… you crave companionship." The male paused once again, before looking Aish in the eyes.

"And… you have this negativity from not having your mother, growing up. But… you cared. You do care, you cared about your mother, and that's what created that pain. What's inflicting you pain… from what you told me… seems… to be yourself. You need… you have to, forgive yourself." The man stated, before taking off his glasses, his bare face looking up at the sky. "I could not forgive myself for my wife's death for a long time. Then.. Do you know what I thought?" He asked Aish, before turning his face around, tears streaming from them as he smiled.

"She loved me… she wouldn't have wanted that… for me… she would have wanted me to forgive myself. Your mother, who would bring you into the world, even with the possible risks…? I think she would have loved you a lot, and you love her… and I think she'd want you to forgive yourself as well. For a person so good in your mind to think you are a murderer due to something out of your con...trol… would they want you to think that way, their child?"

The male asked as he drew his legs up, a soft look coming into his eyes. "...Intention is everything in this world. Your mother intended for you to enter this world. You did not intend for her to die. You did not intend for yourself to be rebirthed every fifty years. By placing this blame… on yourself… your intentions have been drowned out. … If nothing else… could you examine them for me… and tell me… if you truly believe, that you should have these nightmares?" The male asked, before laying his head back.

"In the end of the dreams, you were able to live because of the dreams. The cries of your mother… In the end, they allowed for you to live. Your mother's love… do you think she would have intended for you to be tormented by them? If she had a choice, do you think she would want you to think about what she gave up for you to be in this world? Whether she gave herself up to you, or you took away from her through an intention of your own…. The choice you have is unique. You get to choose, whether your life has been blessed or cursed. What do you truly believe, from those intentions? Because I have never met anyone who could cry… who truly believed they meant to perform a crime."

It was sudden for Aish, the man’s hands wrapping around his body. His muscles tensed as his face froze for a moment before relaxing in to the man’s hug, tears pouring from inside himself as the young devil iramasha finally let go of all the pain he had bottled within himself from the beginning of his life. Tears poured down for a good ten minutes as he clinged to Kabuto, his body leaning in to the warmth of a caring individual. Eventually his tears would slow and stop, the words of the man then starting towards the red head once more. A sad, pained look covered Aish Iramasha’s face, but his heart felt lighter than it had ever felt, for he had finally let out the pain he had been holding on to since his birth. There would still be scars upon him emotionally, but for now this weight was lifted. He listened to the words Kabuto spoke, taking the handkerchief that was offered to it and using it to wipe the tears from his eyes. As the man’s words continued Aish’s head drooped further in shame. He knew he was the reason his mother was dead, but was Kabuto Iramasha right? Would his mother have wanted him to be born even knowing it would take her life in such a painful way? Sure, he hadn’t wanted to kill her, hadn’t truly desired it, but yet he was still the reason she had been taken from this world. He was the phoenix after all, and only by the sacrifice of a life would a phoenix come in to this world.

But then, who was he? Who was the phoenix? He was, but who was he? A whimpering sound escaped Aish as his eyes widened at his new realization. He didn’t know who he was, what made him… well, him. His very identity, the very basis of who he was, was lost to the devil iramasha. Renewed tears flowed from his eyes for another minute before he looked outwards, took a steadying breath, and spoke softly.

“I… I didn’t want her to die… I didn’t want that! I don’t… I don’t know what my mother would want from me. How am I supposed to know what a mother is supposed to be like? Why would she want me to begin with? Who am I that someone would want to give their life for me? Who am I? I don’t mean my name, but my identity, who I am at my core. I don’t know… I don’t know who I am. Even if you asked whether I was male or female, my answer would simply be the biological function of my current body… not who I truly feel I am. I’ve lost myself, who I am, who I want to be, what I want in life… or perhaps I never had any of that in the first place. I never felt wanted here when I was a kid… I didn’t have anyone to really care for me. I knew I was alone from the beginning, and so my life continued. When I was in the living world, I always just moved around, pushing myself with the one drive to destroy this place. Now I don’t even have that. I have nothing… I am nothing…”

The male allowed Aish to take all the time he needed in his crying. It made him glad that he was able to help someone get those tears out, the best he could, before finally he seemed to be finished. The pained look came onto Aish's face once more as the male spoke to him. And then, the male let out a noise, as Kabuto realized that Aish had had a revelation. And truly, that was what he had been attempting to achieve all along; for the male to begin thinking about himself.

"Naturally you did not. But… I think it's wrong that you don't know what a mother is." The male explained, before a knife came out of one hand, deftly cutting off a clip of Aish's hair before the blade vanished once more, holding the lock up to Aish. "… Your own body comes from your mother. Every day, she lives on in you. The physical body is the most obvious reflection of this fact, but there are also the memories. She lives on in you. And because she gave you that life… I would think she would want you to keep living it."

And then the man heard the question at last. "...that, is a special kind of question." The male said at last, before holding his hands up to the sky, to the stars. "When it comes to that question… there are as many answers as there are stars in the sky…. And then, you need to count even more stars than that!" The male exclaimed, before lowering his arms once again, listening to the young man's further worries. "..A pastor's eulogy once read something that I think… you could relate to. 'I decided that I would change the world. ' is how it began. 'But I never reached that high pinnacle… because there was a problem. I was unable to change myself.'" Kabuto explained, his gaze quite serious now.

"'If I had changed myself, I could see how to change those around me. If I could change those around me, I could change those in my community. If I could change those in my community, I could change those in the communities around ours. If I could change them, I could change my state. If I could change my state, I could change the world.'"

Kabuto finished stating, before leaning back once more. [color=purple]"You are only nothing if you call yourself that. You need to decide which star that you believe is the answer. And maybe that takes a journey. Maybe that takes a new vocation. Maybe it calls for you to forgive yourself, and forgive others. Whatever it requires, I have faith that you should be able to do it. Me… and your mother as well."[/colr] The male explained to Aish, as he held the lock of hair up once more, setting it into the male's hands.

"Is there anything else you'd like to 'confess'?"