Raiburari Hiromasa

Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:42 pm

Name: Raiburari Hiromasa

Name: Raiburari Hiromasa

Gender: Male
Age: 614 years old

Appearance: Pitch Black Skin with nuts and bolts covering his body, Raiburai also has golden yellow eyes as well as pitch black cornea, he wears a gas mask with a dial in order to change his breathing patterns and to protect himself agianst poison and harmful gas. Tattoo on his left shoulder blade Saying "No. 7811"

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PERSONALITY

Personality: Raiburari is Creepily Intelligent followed by his usual silence unless a problem needs to be addressed, he is very into his work and can be very inflexible if a matter is very important to him such as science.

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BACKGROUND

History/Background: He now is known as one of the most Intelligent shinigami in the soul society since his father Tetsujin Hiromasa to whom was also his teacher before his death at the hands of a mysterious disease. Raiburari swore he would find a cure for it so that no one will have to suffer from it. He became a Shinigami in order to travel around the world of the dead for him to find materials for medicine. One day while scouting the area with his squad they were attacked by an arrancar, the arrancar killed all of his 4 teammates and left him mortally wounded. While he was left for dead by the arrancar his body was later found by the already old Tyrent and at the time Captian of the 12th Division Mayuri Kurotsuchi who dragged him back to his lab and fixed him using his own technology. Once he was fixed, Mayuri studied Raiburari’s zanpaktou and reatsu his interest was peaked, in order for him to continue his research on him he kept a spiritual medium collar on him and kept him as a slave (Giving him the Test subject number No.7811) locked up in the bowels of the 12 division as its secret weapon in case Mayuri challenged the Head Captian in a coup de at. As time passed, Mayuri abandoned his goals involving Raiburari and died 100 years later. At the time of the Captian’s death, Raiburari soon broke the chains of slavery and escaped from the soul society and lived on the borders of the Seiretei for another 200 years training his abilities and researching to still find a cure for the disease that took his father from him. He later returned to the soul society to continue his duty as a Shinigami. Later becoming Captain of the 12th Division, Head of Shinigami Research development.

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ZANPUKTO

Zanpakutô Spirit Name: Utsukushii Chishikii (Beautiful Knowledge)

Appearance: Long Broad-bladed Scythe.

Inner World: Raiburari's inner world is a deep, dark, damp cave, with candles lite in certian areas, at the deepest corver of the cave is his zanpaktou, its voice can be heard throughout the echo of the cave.

Sealed Zanpakutô Apperance : Raiburari's zanpaktou is brownly hilted, its tsuba having an appearance of the outward branches of a tree with cloud-like patterns in the tsuba, its sheath having an auburn golden brown finish

Sealed Zanpakutô Abilities: Can form energy bursts, that can fuse with ones reitsu, and can then be augmented into his blade as a seeker

~~Release:~~ Aspire, Utsukushii Chishikii

~~Shikai Description:~~ Melts into Users skin to ooze out of the opponents pores in order to fight (Utsukushii Chishikii's shikai has 3 forms of development; Note: The word Aspire means to seek and attain a higher level or greatness signifying the stages his shikai goes through)

~~Shikai Abilities:~~ This is the First stage of Raiburari's shikai, when he releases his zanpaktou, his zanpaktou melts into his body, the black sludge-like liquid pushes the skin located in the middle of his shoulder blades apart in order to form rieatsu powered anti-gravitational thrusters as well as the liquid emerging from the inner locations of his forearms hardening and taking the shape of scythes ranging from 30 to 40 inches.
-Enhanced speed and Mobility

~~Bankai Description:~~ Goo oozes out of every pore in his body to form a 15 foot statue molded and fused to his back with 12 heads and books, the heads open their mouths allowing the user to replicate the bankai's of the specimens hes deafeated in battle and observed and studied (hence the zanpaktou's name Utsukushii Chishikii). The User can only use each bankai for 2 minutes until suffering a 5 minute cool down time before being able to use it agian.

~~Bankai Abilities:~~ 3rd headed stone sages mouths, open whilst opening pages into a book- Release: Naku otoko no merodouki(Melody of men who cry) –Head Shrieks deafing everyone in a 40 mile radius and cracking the earth within the area- -4th heads mouth and book open up- Release: Sanshain no keihatsu-tekina heiwa (Enlightening peace of sunshine) –light emerges from the cracks blinding everything in the area- 7th heads mouth and book opens- Release: Tengoku no setsudan suru Killshot (Severing Killshot of Heaven) –The head shoots out 5 beams of energy aiming for the heart, head, liver, kidneys, and stomach of opponent-

Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:04 pm

Application Checklist

Name [X]
Appropriate Age [X]
Gender [X]
Appearance Present [O]
Appearance Described in Appropriate Length OR Picture is Visible [O]
Appearance is Not Claimed [-]
10 sentences for personality [O]
History is of appropriate length [O]
Powers are not Godmod/Overpowered [O]
Powers are described reasonably enough [-]
Application/RP Sample is not in First Person [X]
Skills are not filled in (Omit if a Hollow)[X]
RP Sample Present (Omit if this is not the first character) [O]
RP Sample is 10 sentences [-]

Comments/Notes:

Raiburari Hiromasa Df2bed64df831de7cb8df7ff30d137021228520690_full

There are a multitude of problems with this app. I'll start with the two most obvious, then go on from there.

First off, there are parts of the template that are broken. I see no skill sheet, or the Shinigami header. While we do encourage using your talents to make custom templates, that only applies if ALL the needed information is still there.

I have no idea what the point of the second post was. Was it to reference things that you DIDN'T post in the main application? If so, why not just put them IN that post? It seems entirely pointless to have that there. Maybe I'm wrong, but consider moving the information, please.

Now, for appearance. Our guidelines strictly say that you need at least 5 sentences (that's one paragraph) for appearance. Or a picture. You have two sentences, and no picture. This needs rectifying.

As for personality, with the commas where they are, you have ONE sentence. For this section to meet the minimum, you need at least ten. I'm sure there's more you can add on to this.

On to background, I have a few major problems with this:

First off, one does not simply just "become" a shinigami. There's an academy for a reason. You need to add in the details that LED to him becoming a shinigami. He didn't appear out of thin air as one. Nor does one just start as a spirit. If he was born as one, say so. If he lived as a human, died, and BECAME a spirit, say so.

Second, your usage of a canon. Firstly, you need permission from staff, and more specifically, the HOLDER of a canon, to use them in an app. Especially when they're this heavily involved. Secondly, Mayuri ISN'T DEAD HERE. In fact, I have him. And he's not dead. He's still Captain of Squad 12 too. That, and he DIDN'T take on any hidden experiments of THIS nature, NOR would he ever hold any possibility for a coup of any kind against the captain commander. Thusly, this history, or at least most of it, is invalidated. Even if it wasn't, it's only 10 sentences. The minimum is 15.

Now, onto abilities.

Sealed Zanpakutô Abilities: Can form energy bursts, that can fuse with ones reitsu, and can then be augmented into his blade as a seeker

I don't know what you mean by this. If you mean that it can fuse with someone's reiatsu and allow him to track them, that's a big nono. ESPECIALLY if it's not voluntary for the opponent. You could, potentially, have the energy itself have a tracking quality, but it'd need limits on how long or how far it can travel.

Genius Level Intellect and Master Strategist
-SHINIGAMI RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT INSTITUTE (SRDI) it is required that he is able to follow his subordinates as well as help them with any questions. He is also a decedent off the Hiromasa family he was taught many things by his father as well as having complete and utter access to the Library of the Spirit King; a location available to only a few outside of the Royal Family.

No. The only organization with ANY access to the Spirit King's dimension is Zero Division. None of this SRDI shit. Not happening, sorry.

Hakuda and Shunpo Master
-Unlike the previous Squad 12 Captains before him, the use of Hakuda and Shunpo come easily to him due to his Shiohin Lineage (From his mother’s side) as well as having a vast knowledge of the Body as well as the physics of movement

Two issues here. One: Mayuri WAS extremely fast. So that whole first section is invalid. Second, the Shihoin lineage died with Yoruichi. She has no kids, and is a lesbian. She did NOT pass on genes, and even if she did, you'd need permission from Agito to use her lineage.

THE SPIRIT STITCH
-A technique of the Hiromasa Family that was passed down from Generation to Generation, it is a reiatsu based thread-like substance that can be produced by the fingertips. The Spirit Stitch allows the user to stitch a torn off limb or keep a body that’s organs have been exposed in combat alive until receiving medical treatment. Raiburari uses this technique sometimes in his experimental surgeries , he transfers his spirit energy into a dead corpse in order to jump start their bodily functions for a short time.

Okay, part of this is okay, but the dead corpse manipulation is usually a no-no. Necromancy is treated like a plague of sorts. We'd rather you not try it until we know you can be trusted. Hang around, rp for a while, THEN try implementing a power like this in. Maybe then it'll go over better.

MISAKI HIROMASA;NO.1023
-A macromolecular genetic Shinigami made from the genetics of Rose Kuchiki and Himself. The Primary function is to assist him in battle against Kidō based opponents as well as give his love Rose Kuchiki the child she could never have.

Macromolecular and Atomic Displacement Research
-A type of research and science never used before in the history of the Soul Society, with this research he is able to create new elements, compounds, tissues, organs, and overall enhance organisms without the use of a mod soul or gigai. Due to this research and being able to develop new compounds and modified epidermises(skin), it has exceeded the limitations of the gigai used by shinigami.

I included these together for the same reason. One, atomic/molecular research HAS been implemented. We HAVE a shinigami here who RUNS on radiation, for christ's sake. Mayuri has tapped into the molecular as well. Two, you can't make a SEPERATE character within a character. Even if it's a genetic shinigami.. or whatever. You need to make an NPC template for this function. Another thing is, there you go with the canon lineage. There is no "Rose Kuchiki" here. If you want to include the Kuchiki line, you'd need to ask an admin, but outright stating a member of their family exists, when it DOESN'T, is a no-no.

The Quake Step
(Formula: 299836.57 m/s +50 fps/(30fps)) Using his macromolecular research as well as combining the enhanced speed of light by the use of the cellular atomic elements and their electrons combined with the maximum level of frames per second the body can perceive in both an adrenaline like and normal state as well as the maximum rate that the muscles can move with an enhanced heartbeat, he has developed an enhanced version of the flashstep by 50%. The after effect of the Technique is a cracked surface upon starting and stopping due to the body’s momentarily enhanced weight as a result of muscle movement.

I'm always iffy on enhanced step techniques, as I hate anyone going "I'm faster than the other guy." This one looks fine, but just watch who you challenge if you start throwing the e-peen around on who's faster. Shadin'll smack your shit.

The Last Breath Serum
A serum created by Raiburari using macromolecular research. The compounds in the formula attack the central nervous system of the body shutting off the axons, the messengers of the central nervous system to the medulla oblongata, a specific section in the brain responsible for the heart and lungs. By cutting them off it in minutes deprives the body of blood flow and breathing. This effect mixes with the movement of the test subject’s body and thought process and in the process ultimately robbing the oxygen from every muscle in the body due to the halt of breathing and blood flow. Raiburari uses this serum in battle in order to kill his opponent and preserve the outer shell that is their body for research

Erm.. I'm going to have to say no to this. The only way that we EVER allow the CNS to be affected is with certain people using electricity. We do NOT allow toxins, serums, or formulas that cause inescapable death. Much for people who JUST came to the site. If you intend to have a serum that causes death of any kind, you need to have a way to negate it, or counter it. BESIDES an anti-dote, because that's bullshit.

Moving on to Zanpakutō now.

Zanpaktou’s Spirit Appearance:50 foot, 12 headed Statue containing each a book. each of the heads bore an incredible row of fang like teeth those looking for ripping and tearing flesh off of bones as well as the statues all had crack-like marking running down their eyes to signify crying of some sort all bearing the emotion of sadness and grief on their face

If you're going to describe the appearance in words, please have at least 5 sentences. A paragraph. The minimum. Otherwise, use a picture, but this is not acceptable.

Shikai appearance: Melts into Users skin to ooze out of the opponents pores in order to fight (Utsukushii Chishikii's shikai has 3 forms of development; Note: The word Aspire means to seek and attain a higher level or greatness signifying the stages his shikai goes through)

Again, you need at least a paragraph, or a picture. We know what the word "Aspire" means. Don't treat us like idiots.

-Enhanced Hakuda
*The intense speed of the Shori is able to condense the pressure around the air surrounding his forearms ranging from 5 inches in diameter around it. The friction caused by the movement of his arms combined with the pressurized oxygen generates a heatwave around his forearms and fists. Upon impact of the hit creates a cauterizing heat that chars the opponents inner organs on contact. Raiburari calls this technique "The Shrine's Fire" and can be used to enhance any hakuda by tenfold.

You can't char inner organs on contact. Not in a hell's shot. Especially not when starting as a base shinigami. You need some limitations on that, or specific ways to negate that kind of heat.

-Enhanced Durability
*Due to the nature of the armor, it takes alot of pressure, usually of that of a Bankai or intense Kidō to break it completely. Once broken by a piece, the ooze that manifests the armor will surround the opening in about 3 minutes (1-2 posts)* Note: The Rekindling of the armor requires lots of energy. Raiburari can only do it about 3 times before having to fight while opened*

A bankai or an intense Kidō? In shikai? Try.. no. A higher-tier character, or a strong enough character at a LOWER tier, could probably punch a hole in it. We don't work on forms = power here, your skill earns you strength. In here, only the mind can grant you power. You need to cut that back. ESPECIALLY with the type of offense you're giving him.

-Raiburari's armor condenses tightly as the thrusters that supplyed the anti-gravitational backlash tightens and cracks the armor all around him as he then sprouts from the coccoon like armor that was his zanpaktou to reveal a more humanoid form, its eyes widened completely with have crack like tears under it signifying crying as well as the sharp fang like teeth with a massive shark like complexion of the mouth, resembling the facial features of his zanpaktou's spiritial appearance except for the fact that Raiburari has a 5 inched horn-like piece in the center of his forehead. His more condensed and humanoid body had a frame like pattern to it once agian, resembling clouds but this time all linked across his body by what appeared to by vein like rieatsu based patterns glowing with his navy gray aura resembling the nerves in the circulatory system. Raiburari has only used this form of his shikai when he can no longer find a way to defeat his opponent-

New Abilities of SEIKA:

Molecular Composition and Undertanding

-Due to the enhanced vision of the Seika, Raiburari is able to break down and understand the molecular and bio structure of his opponents technique,this specific power gives him the ability to think up new ways in order to defeat his opponent by using all equations of his knowledge in order to stop his opponent-

Okay. FIRST THING'S FIRST: SHIKAI DOES NOT HAVE A FORM-BY-FORM BASIS, SAME WITH RESSURECCION FOR ARRANCAR. It IS A FORM, it does not OPERATE IN FORMS. You cannot have a "form of shikai". An upgrade from shikai is BANKAI. Not a seperate form. BEsides that, breaking down things on a molecular level isn't a power we'd give freely, not in shikai regardless. Using equations of knowledge isn't a power either, this doesn't belong here.

Weakness: Water/Ice Based Techniques as well as some restriction Kidō and bakudo

Okay. "Restriction Kidō" IS Bakudo. That is redundant. For that matter, if ya get hit by a bakudo, it's binding you. You can't be weak to "some" of it. Unless you state specifically that you can deflect it, it's binding you. Sure, you may be able to escape it, but at base level, it probably won't happen. You're not Ichigo.

Bankai describsion: Goo oozes out of every pore in his body to form a 15 foot statue molded and fused to his back with 12 heads and books, the heads open their mouths allowing the user to replicate the bankai's of the specimens hes deafeated in battle and observed and studied (hence the zanpaktou's name Utsukushii Chishikii). The User can only use each bankai for 2 minutes until suffering a 5 minute cool down time before being able to use it agian.

I don't know what it is that's keeping you from matching the minimums we've set, but it's getting on my nerves. Maybe it's just the way you punctuate, but I only counted 2 sentences here. Without a picture to go with, you need 5. At the VERY least.

Example of Bankai attack: 3rd heads mouth and book open- Release: Naku otoko no merodī(Melody of men who cry) –Head Shrieks deafing everyone in a 40 mile radius and cracking the earth within the area- -4th heads mouth and book open up- Release: Sanshain no keihatsu-tekina heiwa (Enlightening peace of sunshine) –light emerges from the cracks blinding everything in the area- 7th heads mouth and book opens- Release: Tengoku no setsudan suru Killshot (Severing Killshot of Heaven) –The head shoots out 5 beams of energy aiming for the heart, head, liver, kidneys, and stomach of opponent-

This... is godmod. There's no other way to put it. First off, you can't deafen EVERYONE within a 40 mile radius. You can't even deafen ONE thing in a 40 mile radius. NOTHING is certain. The only way this would be possible is if there were ways listed to escape, avoid, or otherwise counter it. Same with the blinding. Can. Not. Happen.

Beyond that, this entire bankai is automatically bullshit. You want to use multiple heads? We need detailed descriptions on EXACTLY what EVERY ONE OF THEM DO. You CANNOT give loose, godmod examples on THREE of them, and call it a day. This is not only shoddy, but also against our rules, as detailing is one of the very foundations of the site.

Even forgetting all the above issues, we do NOT give out shikai OR bankai automatically unless you reserve a position deserving of one or both. Which you did not do, and judging by this app, you would not get approved for. Yes, you can add them to your app, but please, strike them out. You have the bolded text for what it is struck out, we need the whole thing done as such.

Oh, and you didn't fill out the RP sample either, we kinda need that or else the app gets denied anyway.

All in all, this app needs a lot of work, and if you wish it to be approved, please, get to it.

Until then.. Denied.

Tier:

Raiburari Hiromasa Rejection-anime-demotivational-poster-1205392766

Tue Feb 14, 2012 6:04 am

Not really much to add here in this application other then the fact this character is a complete jack wagon and the creator needs a good bitch slap before trying to make something this mind numbly irritating.

But, I'm not here to pick apart or kick an already dead horse (as deformed, underdeveloped and horrid as it may have lived), I'm simply here to move this application into the denied section where it rightfully belongs until the owner decides to man up, fix the long list of changes and come back to us with a character that doesn't scream complete and utter FAGGTORY.

Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:56 pm

Moved to archives because this user has left!

Raiburari Hiromasa

Raiburari Hiromasa

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