Rashomon [Makoto, Shishiyuki]

"..."

Her dull expression lit up for a second and it was like a spark that brought her back to life though it was mostly in frustration that she became so animated again.

"I'm tired!"

She admitted it as much as she didn't want to. All the weariness she felt, the way she never stopped working and felt like she was just running on a hamsterwheel. Always trying to go forward but with no success.

"I'm tired of being deprived of sleep, I'm tired of working myself to the point of exhaustion for the sake of trying to improve. I'm tired of trying to engage with people and looking for reasons to like them. I feel like I'm a liar, putting up a facade for people around me because I don't want to be a barbaric monster. If you know the answer then tell me, tell me how to not be this way because I'm running out of things to try."

Makoto just leaned over the kotatsu, sighing at the whole thing while looking away from Shishiyuki. It was a lot more snappier than she wanted it to be.

"I'm sorry."

"Anyone would be tired, living a life such as that. Do not feel as though you need to apologize."

There was a brief moment of hesitation for Shishiyuki, if only because she wished to reach out to her. Ah, but she still wanted to reach the crux of this issue first, to have it handled before she brought things toward that. Was that right? In truth, she didn't really know.

"If I may be so bold, Makoto, I think the reality of the situation is that you are simply trying too hard. You say that you are doing your best to engage, seeking reasons to like those you meet. Why should you? Not everyone likes everyone else. You are not simply seeking to improve, you are holding yourself to an impossible standard, and lashing out at yourself for being unable to meet it."

Not that such a thing was especially surprising. If anything, it was exactly what Shishiyuki would have expected from Makoto.

"It does not matter if others dislike you, if you dislike others. If there are those you see you as a monster, so be it. Even I, for all my effort in maintaining the illusion of elegance and grace, still have those who consider me far different. I accept this as inevitable. I cannot tell you what to be or not to be, only that there is no benefit in trying to be something that others wish you to be."

"It's not about liking everyone individually, I don't want to look at someone and my first thoughts to be distrust or loathing for them in my head just because they're another person. I don't want to have to feel uncomfortable or be paranoid around others."

She gave a small smile though it looked sad, for some reason it felt like she handled everything better before she let people into her life and started to consider people as anything more than acquaintances. Saki, Abalia, Shishiyuki. She wondered if maybe having people that meant something to her messed with that balance since she didn't want to fail then and so she worked harder until it became too hard.

"Yet if I am a monster, it doesn't matter if it's hidden. I... I don't want to be one. I think of my mother and the kind of person I am. I can't stand it, I can't stand what she'd think if she saw the kind of woman I've become."

As she finished there was a small pause but it didn't last since she interjected to clarify something.

"It's not about what others want me to be, it's about the person I want to be. I should be proud, I should look at the fact I've served in the Gotei for such a short amount of time and made it to Fourth Seated Officer. I should look at the fact I have my shikai and am a capable shinigami at this young an age but it all feels worthless to me. None of these achievements feel satisfying when it doesn't change the fact I am no different to the woman who I watched start a massacre for her own satisfaction."

"I think that the reality of the situation, Makoto, is that the only path forward is to simply force yourself into situations which you will undoubtedly hate. That sort of distrust can only be undone by allowing yourself to trust in the first place."

Reaching her hand out, Shishiyuki touched Makoto's shoulder, gently but confidently. It was simply a reminder of her presence, of her existence.

"You and I do not trust one another simply because that is how things are. We have put faith in each other, yes? You must be willing to believe in others in the same way that you believed in me, even if not to the same degree. It is not simply a matter of being pleasant, of tolerating them. You will have to make yourself vulnerable, and I am aware that is no easy task. But if this is what you truly want, to feel differently for those around you, then that is the only recourse."

Of course, Shishiyuki knew that she was giving advice she herself had never especially taken. That in her thousand years, she had put her trust in precious few people. But she, at least, had a duty that had driven her to do so. Obligations to her family that kept it from being practical. And, besides, having made mistakes simply meant she wished for Makoto not to make the very same ones.

What a terrifying thought, being vulnerable, giving people trust and having faith in the better qualities of people. It felt harder than the idea of being given a suicide mission, the very idea of dying didn't come close to the utter misery she experienced at being taken advantage of and abused by people of greater power. Dying was at its core easy after all, it was to continue living and suffering that was harder.

The hardest part of that advice was that it ran contrary to her own promises, the promise to herself that she'd be strong and triumph. The power to be independent and confident in herself so that she couldn't fall into the trap that her younger, more naïve self did and yet Shishiyuki was telling her that this was the only way to continue forward to what she wanted.

She understood though, it was as simple as wanting her cake and eating it too.

Makoto naturally wanted to inquire about how one could go about trusting people or strategies though reconsidered asking Shishiyuki. That seemed like it would have its own issues, the next best thing that came to mind was Saki. She was always friendly with people and so trusting. Her insight was probably spectacular.

"I suppose you're right."

Thinking back to how she came to trust Shishiyuki and that made her feel stupid, just kiss her. That was a brilliant idea in the heat of the moment which only made her feel like a fool the more she thought back to it. All of her friends seemed to be the persistent sort, Elyss was pretty persistent too. It reminded her of how Saki snuck past her walls by insisting on being around her but that girl also lacked the same boisterous attitude she saw in the redhead.

"Sorry, sorry for being so gloomy..."

"I hardly think an apology is necessary, Makoto. This is a natural emotional state, especially given your thoughts on the matter. If anything, I feel I ought to be the one apologizing for not being able to offer anything more than my words."

This whole affair seemed one that Shishiyuki had little way of stepping into, short of simply forcing the issue. But she had already done enough of that simply by making Makoto open herself to the discussion in the first place, and she doubted that prying past the woman's professionalism would be helpful in this.

"There is nothing wrong with worrying that others might take advantage of your openness, or that you may be harmed by it. But I think all of those I have known who are happiest are those who have opened themselves to others. That is something I think of rather often, when I consider what to do next with my own life."

She supposed it was only fair that she open up a bit in turn, given the conversation.

"Well, I still feel bad. The first time I see you in months and it's just more problems."

She mulled while sipping another mouthful of tea and watching her reflection in the tinted liquid. Too much to think about and hardly the decisive attitude to do it. Fighting was way easier than this kind of situation, the choices in combat could be made instantly for her but things like this were painfully slow and doubt ridden.

"I guess... there's no harm in trying it."

It felt like a lie as she said it, no harm in trying it when all that she could think about with opening up to people was how they could or would try and take advantage of her.

"Everyone has problems, Makoto, and you are no different in that respect. If anything, I am quite thankful to know that you trust me enough to speak with me on the matter."

Makoto's hesitation was still quite apparent, but Shishiyuki didn't quite feel as though she ought to simply reinforce the idea that it was the correct path. She knew quite well that trying to push anyone too hard down a path would only breed resentment toward the idea, and that was the last thing that she wished to do in this scenario.

"Shall we discuss something else, given the time since we have last met? You are correct, it has been quite a long while, and I hardly wish to make you ruminate on this single topic for the whole of your visit."

There was still the matter Shishiyuki herself had wished to speak on, but given how things had already gone thus far, she felt it would be in poor taste to bring that up. Well, there would be time for it later.

'Sure, what's been keeping you busy in my absence. You mentioned some developments?"

Makoto asked while taking another sip of her drink. It was a nice thing to keep her body doing something like a distraction of sorts. Just a little preoccupation to desist any unwanted behaviour that might convey her anxiety. She wanted to appear strong and confident at the moment.

"Ah, yes. I've grown at least a bit closer to some of my family. I cannot exactly say that one of them is the sort that I would call a friend, but her apprentice is a bright young man. You may know of him from your time teaching at the Academy, a boy named Kasha."

Shishiyuki smiled a touch at the thought of having made some semblance of a companion, though of course she would not say that either of the Kashas could compare to the companionship she had with Makoto.

"I have done my best to think about my own life, and my own situation. I think that there is much I ought to open myself about, as well. Much that I ought not keep to myself."