Rashomon [Makoto, Shishiyuki]

They had succeeded, so why did she feel like she'd failed or that she was unsatisfied? Looking back at the entire mission she felt only loathing, especially as she recalled the callous climax of their encounter. The perplexing question as she reflected was a simple one, did she hate him because of the fact he was a person or did she hate him because of the fact he was an obstacle?

It just didn't find an answer and it only made her feel more powerless in herself while staring up at the ceiling of her room. The presence of Saki was frequent but passed like a hazy blur to her, her work was finished on time but for Makoto it might as well have been late with how promptly she'd normally attend to it and she'd receded from teaching some of the subjects she would for the Academy but she was still too proud to take a temporary leave of absence. That sense of pride refused to do that.

She finally dragged herself from laying down with her thoughts, getting presentable and staring at the piece of paper on her desk for a little longer before shaking her head and leaving the small space to go back outside and head towards her destination and see her teacher. It made her feel bad that she'd put it off, she just didn't want to interact with people like this - especially not her teacher who meant so much to her and had faith in her. This melancholic state or put on a facade that she felt like she did far too much of trying to be the person she wanted to be: reliable, charismatic and friendly.

The best possible shinigami she could aim to be but that wasn't how she felt she was. It felt like all of her growth towards that goal was built on unstable foundations and only going further would make an even bigger disaster when that tower fell down.

Shishiyuki's days for the past while had been relatively dull, uneventful, though she supposed that they really hadn not been all that different from the rest of her life. Training, teaching the younger Koizumi as well as at the Academy, studying and the like. All of it was entirely normal, but there had been something missing that she knew all too well.

Of course, the mention that she had a regular visitor did pull her from her thoughts, and Shishiyuki went to greet Makoto as she arrived with a polite bow and a small smile, the usual facade that she wore in public.

"Welcome back, Makoto. Would you care for tea?"

There was much she wanted to discuss, but it was rather plain to see that something was amiss with her. Shishiyuki would certainly rather handle those matters than any of her own business.

There was a faint smile in return though it was so quick and small that it could be missed. She took a moment to think about it, though she was pained to accept that there wasn't much thought towards it. She just nodded her head and looked away sheepishly, Shishiyuki would probably be disappointed if she knew what she didn't want to admit.

"Yes, please."

She followed along and while her posture was straight, presentable in all ways besides the fact she was distant and distracted.

"Have you been well?"

Makoto asked while staying a little behind rather than attempting to walk abreast.

"I have, yes. Most of my time has been spent teaching, though I've made a few positive relationships in my family since we last spoke. I did not anticipate it, but I certainly welcome it."

Of course, to call her rapport with Kasha a "positive relationship" was something of a stretch, but she was willing to call it that given the two's mutual understanding. It was not nearly comparable to what she shared with Makoto, of course, but it was something.

"And you, Makoto? You certainly seem to have something on your mind."

Inviting Makoto into her quarters, Shishiyuki realized this was likely the first time in a long while that she had brought anyone here. She had company at the estate rather often, but here, in her personal branch of the manor, was a place few came. Despite her generally pragmatic demeanor, and her focus on her work, it was remarkably elegant in its decor, oriented neatly according to principles of feng shui and general traditonal aesthetic. She readied a pot of tea, gesturing for Makoto to take a seat at the kotatsu. It was winter, after all.

"Eh? I suppose I do. It's nothing though."

She hoped it would pass, it was like she was clinging to handling it herself but she didn't want to burden Shishiyuki with anymore of her woes. The woman had already done enough and so she tried to wave it off. There was something peculiar about the room for her, it was weird being in someone else's environment when she tended to remain in her own domains where possible.

Taking a seat and sitting under the kotatsu, she honestly didn't even feel the cold that much but did so because Shishiyuki told her to. She wanted to keep Shishiyuki talking about her family relations but the topic honestly just made her think back to when she went to see her abandoned house and the guilt she felt seeing it all.

"Um, it smells like good tea you have there."

"Is it truly nothing?"

While Shishiyuki tended to let others handle their personal matters, particularly when they actively chose to keep them to themselves, it was not the same with Makoto. The two shared a bond that Shishiyuki had felt with no other, and regardless of what that truly meant, she would not abide the woman dealing with whatever this matter was on her own.

Setting the tea down, Shishiyuki chose to sit at the side of the kotatsu next to Makoto's, rather than across from her. It was not much, but she did not wish to maintain any more distance than was necessary.

"You were gone for a long while on your assignment. I suspect it has to do with that, am I correct?"

"...Yes."

She wanted to lie or just insist on dropping the topic but she bit her lip in frustration when she found it impossible to do so when Shishiyuki persisted in its pursuit. It felt hard to vocalise anything and her thoughts just wanted to insist that she didn't want to discuss it or talk about it. Like everything else it could just pass in time!

"Now, could we talk about something else? Please."

Her hand went to bring the cup to her lips but she barely lifted it off the table when she saw that it was shaking out of stress or fear, she couldn't tell if it was the subject or the shame she'd feel if Shishiyuki's opinion of her changed with the context of her actions.

"You know as well as I that speaking about anything else would be a waste of time, Makoto. You cannot focus as well as you otherwise would in this state. In all the time I have known you, I have never seen you like this."

Truthfully, she wanted to reach out and take the woman's hand in hers, but at the moment she still needed to remain firm. It was vital that they not avoid the issue, even if it might have otherwise been reassuring.

"I am not here to chastise you, or to judge you for what you feel. I simply do not wish to see you in such a state. It is one that I think you yourself would be displeased with, is it not?"

"Fine. It's because I'm still the same, I hate people no matter how much I act like it's not the case. I act like a person despite the fact I'm nothing but a raging animal. I'm an awful shinigami that hates my peers regardless of how much I wish I didn't."

She said it plainly as how she felt, and the way she said it was as if she was just giving a lecture rather than pouring out how she felt or what was haunting her. There was no misery or despair, no shakiness to her tone.

Makoto knew that Shishiyuki was right, she hated the way she felt and was disatisfied but after the handling of Roman she just felt she would always be like this and the only way forward was to accept it rather than be able to rid herself of it like she wanted.

"And so you simply accept this of yourself? Allow yourself to exist in a state which benefits none at all? Why? You are far too driven a woman to simply accept something such as that."

It was something of a piercing question, Shishiyuki knew, skipping past any of the meandering that might have come with such a deep topic of conversation. No, the two of them were close enough that it would have been disrespectful of her to do anything other than be quite brutally honest.

"Are you afraid of putting forward the effort? Afraid of the possibility that you might fail? What leads you to simply accept this about yourself, even knowing that there is no benefit to anyone? I will not even address the matter of how greatly it harms you. You already know that much, whether or not I tell you."